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Relationships

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Original poster

Nervous about moving in with in laws

25 replies

Blueflower22 · 11/03/2019 18:30

Hello ladies,

Not sure if this is in the place and whether it should have been in family

Please can you advise me. I keep having good and bad thoughts about moving in with in laws. We come from a south Asian background where it js normal for daughter in laws to live within laws

I don't want my relationship with my partner to suffer because essentially our home life will be connected to his parents in every way, for example eating dinner, watching tv, sitting on the sofa.

I am worried about these things:
-intimacy at night. What if we want to go to bed early to have sex? Will they hear us ? What about using the bathroom in the middle of night after sex?

-I want my partner to eat my cooking and not just his mums. He says he will but I don't want my cooking to be neglected as I see it as a way I look after him.

-free time on weekends. We may want to do our own things together , but his parents may give him jobs or suck up his time.

I want to dress sexily and with a bit of cleavage showing every now and again. But I won't be able to do this as my in laws are traditional Muslims and consider this inappropriate.

when i get out of my room to go to the bathroom or downstairs to grab something to eat and I'm in my nightie I'll have to cover my legs and my chest area because it's considered inappropriate. I was considering throwing a dressing gown over but don't want to be frowned upon

I'm not sure if I am overthinking. It might be okay. I really do like his parents and love them to bits but I don't know how living with them will be as I like my time with my partner

I'm really nervous. Please can people tell me there stories or experiences.

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 11/03/2019 18:51

Are you about to get married or are you already married?
I don't think you should move in with the in-laws if you are worried.

Hollowvictory · 11/03/2019 18:52

Don't move in with them. Get your own place.

Musti · 11/03/2019 19:02

God no. I wouldn't move in with in laws even if you didn't have to worry about all those things.

TorchesTorches · 11/03/2019 19:08

Don't live with them. I did for nearly a year while we were homeless. It was awful and my in laws are actually quite nice people.

It could have broken my marriage except my husband was 100% on my side, so any moan i had about them he completely agreed with me. We moved out just over 4 years ago and it took about 3 years for my relationship with my in laws to recover. Just don't do it!

MandalaYogaTapestry · 11/03/2019 19:10

Are you Muslim too?

MikeUniformMike · 11/03/2019 19:10

It won't feel like home. Regardless of how well you get on with the in-laws it would test the strongest marriage.

HollowTalk · 11/03/2019 19:11

I wouldn't live with them. Your marriage will be much happier if you live separately.

PotteringAlong · 11/03/2019 19:12

Don’t do it. Regardless of tradition it’s a bad idea for all the reasons you’ve listed.

eurochick · 11/03/2019 19:14

If your culture and religious ideals don't match those of his parents you will find this an absolute nightmare. Why would you do it to yourself?

PirateWeasel · 11/03/2019 19:15

It might be a custom your in laws are used to, but that doesn't mean you have to live this way. Strike out on your own. Your future kids will thank you for breaking the cycle!

Original poster

Blueflower22 · 11/03/2019 19:16

Sorry I forgot to add, we have to due to financial reasons

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 11/03/2019 19:36

Hi hopefully it's only temporary. It won't be too bad if there's a time limit on it. I hope they've got a big house.

Damia · 11/03/2019 19:37

I think in situations like this as long as there is respect and some space between each pair it can work

If you can do anything such as covering up with maybe a full length nightie? Dressing gown? That would help. I wouldn't try to push back at them on things that are important to them if possible

And speak to presumably your mil about cooking. Taking turns cooking for everyone in the house. Or having space to just cook for your partner.

It can work as long as everyone gets on and talks about what is happening and don't get resentful over household things and lack of space

EvaHarknessRose · 11/03/2019 20:12

Ground rules with your DH about having some privacy and time
Poncho to throw on over PJs?
Tell your in laws you are a bit worried about it? See if they have worries too and establish expectations.

Original poster

Blueflower22 · 11/03/2019 21:56

@Damia thanks,

She cooks once a week and batch cooks for the week so I guess I'd have to cook at the same time

OP posts:

Sinead100 · 11/03/2019 22:04

Well no - you wouldn't cook at the same time as her OP. If you're moving into someone else's space, think about the impact on them too- not just on you. You are, after all, impinging on HER home, to save yourself money.
So if your MIL batch cooks at a certain time every Sunday, maybe offer to help her? Rather than trying to do your own cooking, separately, at the same time. It's just polite.

Also - if the people you're living with have certain preferences i.e. that you don't walk around in a nightie - it's good manners to respect that. Again, its just polite.

LifeIsToughMate · 12/03/2019 16:14

Don’t do it even if u end up living in a caravan

Been there. Worst mistake of my life it damaged a perfectly nice relationship

PotteringAlong · 12/03/2019 16:27

You don’t have to for financial reasons. Where do you live now?

PotteringAlong · 12/03/2019 16:28

What I meant to say (pressed post too soon!) is that assuming you’re not currently homeless you have options; you’re just looking to save money. I’d think carefully about how much your relationship is worth to you long term.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/03/2019 16:33

She cooks once a week and batch cooks for the week so I guess I'd have to cook at the same time

No men cooks?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 12/03/2019 21:06

I am going to be honest - he who has the gold Male the rules. You need the financial benefit they offer so you need to accept “their ways”
it will be hard and you will have to swallow down a lot of annoying stuff.

But there are some things you can do to manage the stress for example...
just let her cook - your time tells me you already know she is going to insist and the reality is you will get to do it for 40 years plus. it’s her last chance to baby him.
This is not a hill to die on!!!
The alternative is you end up getting into some weird food war....

Nc1548 · 12/03/2019 21:59

Sounds like a nightmare, can you rent something tiny somewhere instead? Or stay wherever you are now?

WombOfOnesOwn · 12/03/2019 23:04

Historically, patrilocal arrangements (where sons stay put and daughters move to their in-laws' house) have been terrible for women and are used to keep women subjugated and with no power or money of their own. If you need to save up to get away from him, if you need to bolt with your children in the night to a refuge, you will have no way to do this without waking a house of people hostile to your needs.

I have known women in these arrangements. They end poorly.

babba2014 · 12/03/2019 23:13

I'm a Muslim. Are you married yet? Or are you moving there to save? What's the backstory?
You can wear whatever you want but when you are around your in laws in those clothes just wear an abaya and a scarf? Takes a second.

That's why Islam recommends a man has his own separate accommodation with his wife so that she can be free and comfortable and the husband too. No worries about showers and everything hearing you.

BadLad · 13/03/2019 02:58

essentially our home life will be connected to his parents in every way, for example eating dinner, watching tv, sitting on the sofa.

I lived with my in-laws for a few years, and it worked out great. However, before I joined them, everyone realised that the above would throw a spanner in the works, and we would need our own living room as well as a bedroom and bathroom. You will need your own relaxing space.

Can't help with any of the rest of it.

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