Desperately need advice on dealing with immature partner

[mkmo]

I am left feeling exhausted, disempowered, and defeated after every argument with my DP. I will be grateful if anyone can shine a light on what I can do differently.

My DP and I live together and have done for over a year in a very small one bedroom. We get along very well most of the time. The problems start whenever there is conflict, usually petty things. I am just left so hurt my DP's response.

Every time I confront him about something I am unhappy about, he goes into utter defence mode. He will get angry, and say all sorts of nonsense just to prove that he hadn't done anything wrong.

Some of these situations are really really small and others less so. This is much less about individual situations and more about his response to my confrontation. What should not be a big deal leaves me feeling so unloved and empty.

For example, we were watching a movie on a laptop and when it ended I wanted to see the credits but DP did not and wanted to look something up on the computer. We only had a couple of minutes of the movie max and when he clicked out and I clicked back onto the movie he pulled my hands away and held my hands so he could go back to looking something up without me stopping him and I didn't get to see the movie credits. I later told him this upset me because I didn't get to see the credits and because he used his strength to stop me doing so, I didn't stand a chance he is a strong guy.

Later on that day I told him ' i am upset about earlier that I did not get to see the credits, I feel I didn't stand a chance when you used your strength against me and it made me feel disempowered'

I know it is small and an apology would have been lovely but I don't necessarily always want an apology. It wouldn't bother me if he spoke it through with me and gave me his point of view but he didn't, he got angry and defensive.

'its always me, I'm always doing something wrong"
"you're such a hypocrite you looked up something in the middle of a movie 3 months ago"
"I don't have time for this, you attack everything I do"
"its never you is it, you are just a perfect person"

He will go onto rant for ages telling me everything I have ever done wrong which is remotely related and it's exhausting. He will then be mad about the conversation for max 48h, often less. He will only stop being mad when I do a gesture which could be seen to be in place of an apology. I get over arguments after 5 minutes so this reaction is ridiculous to me. I am just desperate for his mood to stop. I am left being in the wrong for upsetting him.

I have told him in the past over a nice dinner how his responses make me feel and he's told me he understands but it doesn't change the way he reacts.

I have started to confront him less to prevent these reactions, but this doesn't feel right.

I also want to say he is a very lovely guy the rest of the time and we love each other very much. Any advice on how I can handle these situations in the moment will be appreciated.

Advice? Run. The hills are that way>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

He uses his strength to get his own way, you are starting to raise issues less to prevent his reactions: This is not a healthy relationship... You can do better; and anyone deserves better.

He's abusing you.

He's controlling (mentally and physically).

He's immature.

Get rid of him.. It's only going to get worse. You will not be able to change him.

Sorry.

The fact that conflict over really small things is spiralling tells you that you're not communicating well at all. He's engineered a situation where he can go nuclear at the slightest complaint from you, and eventually force you to back down by apologising (or equivalent). This absolves him from the need to listen or to adjust his behaviour.

While it might seem petty to disagree over small things, it is these details that make the difference between a relationship that is long term happy, and one that is long term exhausting. Unless you can resolve this, I would start to think very long and hard about whether this is really the relationship for you. (Trust me, it only gets harder when the responsibilities you share increase to owning property and bringing up children).

It’s not that he doesn’t get that his behaviour distresses you, it’s that he doesn’t care that it does. What can you do, leave. He’s sending you a very clear message that his wants trumps yours. Why would he stop behaving in a way that benefits him and when you are learning to bend to his will?

You can’t control his behaviour, only reduce your exposure to it.

He's lovely except for when he's being a total cock. Yeah, that means he is a total cock.

Why are your standards so low? Why haven't you told him to fuck the fuck off?

You can't handle someone out of being a selfish person who wants the little woman to shut up and do as she's told.

His personality is not a good fit for you. The solution is not to change him. The solution is not to change yourself. The solution is to say to yourself hmm, living with this person has shown me that we are incompatible, that's a shame, it seemed like he was a keeper at first. then you leave him and find someone who is compatible with you.

Thanks for your input but I would like to work through it. It is really hard to get the whole story of a person in a single post. I know he is a lovely guy. I have been in a controlling relationship before and this feels very different. This is more than he is childish and stubborn and can't admit that he is wrong and will do anything to convince himself otherwise. When I confront him he sees it as an attack and gets very defensive. He is the same way with his siblings.

I would just like to clarify the laptop situation was more of a jokey situation when it was happening. He was holding me back with what he saw was a joke. He had no idea I was upset until I confronted him. I think he knew he was in the wrong and got upset and defensive because he couldn't admit it to himself. I don't think he will do it again.

Next time it could be him holding you while he gets his own way in other ways op.
Ltb and don't look back.
Plenty of time to be dealing with a stroppy teenager when you have dc....

He’s not a lovely guy. A lovely guy doesn’t use physical restraint to stop you doing something harmless that you want to do.
Good guys don’t blame you for their behaviour.

"I have been in a controlling relationship before and this feels very different."

That's what they all say!

Do the Freedom Programme.

The holding of your hands thing is a massive red flag. Ive put up with rubbish partners for far too long before and no one is perfect but this is really a huge deal.

No adult should ever physically restrain or hold another in a relationship. That is abuse. Arguing verbally is one thing, comon but to use your strength to out power someone else.
I think you know it crosses a line , that's why it upset you so much.

It shows a serious lack of respect.

Obviously you don't want to leave a partner you are attached to. Your first choice, before leaving would be for him to behave way better . But is that likely? He should be massively apologetic , there is no justification for him being physical.

Sorry but that is the truth.

He won’t change. He is who he is and this is his way of dealing with conflict.
You think you can talk about it with him or make him realise but this doesn’t really happen. It will most likely carry on like this or get worse.

mkmo

re your comment:-

"Thanks for your input but I would like to work through it. It is really hard to get the whole story of a person in a single post. I know he is a lovely guy. I have been in a controlling relationship before and this feels very different".

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why do you want to work through it, he is not yours to rescue and or save from his own self here?. This will be your undoing here, there is really nothing for you to work through here and he is not your responsibility.

All your words you write now are those of an abused woman.

Its not really different because this time you have gone from say a grade 8 abuser to a grade 7 abuser. You've simply gone from one abusive man to yet another; albeit a different type of abuser but abusive all the same. The commonality here is the abuse being meted out to you and because your boundaries and relationship bar are so low this second man has decided to take advantage. He targeted you like your ex abuser did.

Abuse like you describe can and does take a long time to recover from and your own recovery now will only start when you are free of this current man.

OK you want to work on it. So, you must be more awkward, more defiant, more insistent on doing what you want when you want, more angry when he dismisses you. If he is another controlling man you need to flush that out as soon as possible.

Remember, it isn't a case of you finding the right way to make him change his behaviour. That is impossible. You sound like you still think like an abused girlfriend, I must try my hardest to find the right way to make him see that being horrible is wrong

All you can do is flush out how deep his controlling nature runs so you can decide whether you can live with it.

People don't change personality. Not you. Not him. Any "working on it" that is based upon changing major behaviours is doomed.

but I would like to work through it. It is really hard to get the whole story of a person in a single post. I know he is a lovely guy. I have been in a controlling relationship before and this feels very different.

No, he isn't lovely, the situation you just described is something a lovely guy would not do.

Yes, I would have guessed that you had already been in one controlling relationship. What's that in the post pinned to the top of this board - something about just because you've got away from a grade 9 abuser, that doesn't mean you've struck lucky by moving on to a grade 3.

You cannot 'work through' someone being a nasty twat.

This won't go well and you need to get out.

One of the things that is non-negotiable for me in a partner is that they can resolve conflict in a reasonable way. It really surprises me when I read about others for whom that didn't seem to be a baseline.

I couldn't be in a relationship with this man.

How can you work through something when the guilty party takes absolutely no responsibility for their actions??

....You can't

You'll spend the rest of your days running around in circles, trying to appease his moods, and apologising for things that aren't your fault.

Does that sound like fun to you?

It's a no brainer imo...

He isn't going to change

You cannot ''work through this'' because that is not his agenda.

HIS agenda is quite clear reading this. His agenda is to TRAIN you to never challenge him. You challenged him wanting to see the credits. That wasn't what he wanted. He did what he wanted and he used physical strength to prevent you viewing the credits. OK, to give him the benefit of the doubt, he didn't realise how upsetting that was until you explained it to him. But you explained it to him and he used it as an excuse to attack you again, on the grounds of you attacking him!

How can you alone work through that?!?! You can't. Because working through it is not what he wants. He wants you to either put up and shut up or fuck off I'd say. He probably would prefer you put up and shut up and just stop challenging him. He probably references how well you get on most of the time when you never ever challenge him

Thanks for your input but I would like to work through it.

You are in a relationship with an abuser. They don't 'work things through'. They just ramp up the abuse.

My top tip for managing a relationship with an immature partner is to not be in a relationship with an immature partner.

Get a grown up instead.

I agree with LeesPOstersareinframes.

I was in an abusive relationship as well and a baseline for me is resolving conflicting requests/needs and clearing up misunderstandings in a very respectful way.

PS, I'm coming back to this for more!

Even if it was a jokey situation and he just cannot say sorry, that paints a picture of a person with a damaged self-esteem and a big ego.

If you've been in an abusive relationship in the past your own self-esteem is probably not as healthy as it could be and you are probably a bit of a people pleaser so being cast in the role of you being obligated to please him to a degree probably goes unnoticed. But if he cranks it up a notch and ''will not say sorry'' that shows his sense of himself is so fragile you will never be able to get through to him.

It is precisely that inability to say sorry that makes a person unable to work with you and meet you half way. He won't say sorry because he'd have to think about himSELF for a few seconds and that's terrifying to some people who coast on ego

I recommend the human magnet syndrome by Ross Rosenberg. I think it would really resonate with you.

I would just like to say that I was in a relationship where he was also very childish and always believed he was right and it is mentally draining. For me the best thing was getting out of it and was a whole weight off my shoulders but I understand that you want to work through it.
The advice I would give you as I tried this for a bit is if he is acting childish, just treat him like a child as dealing with it like an adult would may not be where he is at (males take longer to mature unfortunately).

Overall, I would say Run this sounds so draining and petty and at the end of the day it should be you two against the problem not him against you all the time.

So he's lovely except when you have any needs that conflict with his. In which case all his needs trump all of yours? That about right? Nope noppity nope. Bye bye.

In the meantime take some self defence classes and learn to break holds. A weaker person can break the hold of a stronger person with technique and training.

Leave. Get out of this. There’s nothing here for you. Leave.

WHO the hell apologizes when they've done nothing wrong simply to end an argument because their partner REFUSES to behave like a human being? 48 hours of a silent treatment? So you're prepared to have children with this guy and god forbid you say something to him due to post natal sleep deprivation and he argues with you then leaves or refuses to speak to you for two full days? Wow that sounds depressing