&so it goes on!!

[babayjane67]

Hi all
I've posted about dp before recently.im 52 he's 54 he works ft I work pt.we have a 10yr old DD.i have adult kids with their own families.
We've been together 12 yrs this year known him for 14.
Things finally came to a bit of a head this weekend when we had a stand up shouting match at each other&I angrily said things that have previously been bottled up.all done in front of our DD who went up to her room &stayed there.i feel bad about upsetting her.i did talk to her afterwards though when I first went up she told me to go away so I did but then she came down a bit after&we hugged&I told her it wasn't her fault I wasn't angry at her etc.it was between me&her dad.
Dp&myself didn't spk to each other the rest of the day or night.he stayed upstairs.
I broached the subject with him next morn before dd was awake.told him we needed to talk&sort things out.that the almost constant bickering&getting at each other has to stop that I can't go in like this for another 10,20 yrs.its not fair to us&it's not fair to our dd.said that we have to work it out to either be a happy couple together in a relationship or happy away from each other&bring up DD that way.
When I've tried to talk to him before about our problems he either usually ignores it or goes straight on the defensive&throes it back at me.he initially did this&then every time I brought something up he didn't acknowledge his part in it or apologise or anything.he just went straight to putting it bk in me.when he brought something up I either apologised or said no that's not how it is whatever.i dunno I'm not explaining it very well sorry I'm still trying sort it all out in my own head.
We couldn't finish the talk as DD got up&he's bk to work today so can't talk again til we're on our own prob tomorrow.ive told him I don't want it brushed under the carpet this time we need to get things sorted.so not really sure what I'm looking for here just a hand hold maybe?I've not told anyone in RL yet.

Anyone?

Maybe try couples counseling, that way a third party will be able to help guide the conversation along. Are you angry over petty things that have been bottled up for a long time and now don't seem so petty, or are they truly some major issues that have to be dealt with?

Thanks for yr reply toddman.its alot if petty things yes&also a lack of intimacy&communication which are probably the biggest things

I have thought of& going to suggest some sort of couple counselling but don't honestly know if he will do that to be honest.

When you say lack of intimacy are you referring to affection, and expressions of love or the actually act of sex.

Communication difficulties - can you 2 talk about subjects and reach a conclusion, or does it usually remain an impasse.

As for suggestion counseling, if he knows you are not happy with the condition of the relationship and want it to change. Ask him what does he want out of the relationship and if there is any area that he thinks needs worked on. If he gives you information here, then suggest going to a counselor to work on the relationship together.

Yes proper conversations about things.plus generally talking together,having a laugh together.he doesn't do small talk,only half listens to me when I'm talking.
We haven't had sex for about 6yrs now but that's not all down to him.i had lots of gyny problems.i was also getting bored though as it was usually me 99% of the time initiating it.theres no cuddles,kisses.he only ever kisses me if he's going to bed before me.if we go together there's nothing!
Yea if he doesn't think theres much wrong in the relationship I guess counselling won't work.

When I said to him that I want us to try&sort things out&be happy either together.he just said who is??

To let you know and to be clear I'm a guy, so that's the perspective I'm coming form. Looking back at your original post you 2 have been together through his 40s and your DD is now 10. I can see were a lack of full on intimacy may happen, with having a little, tired, work stress, but that should not really be that big of an issue with a 10 year old. Has some hidden resentment built up in the relationship, which is now coming out. The no sex for that length of time would be an issue to me TBH, but a bigger concern is the no cuddles or kisses. What happens when he gets home from work and he greets you? Also, could there be an underlying health issue with DP? 54 seems awfully young to casually go off sex (young to me anyway).

That's ok Toddman nice to have a man's perception.
Yes I think maybe there is some resentment built up to be honest on both sides.
I think it all came out in anger this time because I tend to keep things inside&he's always been difficult to talk to&how he's react d with me over things in the past that I've asked him to do or whatever has taught me to keep quiet&keep the peace.
I have said to him a couple of times through the relationship does it bother him having no sex&he just said no not really it's just like when I was on my own so.
To be fair to him he did try&initiate it going bk a yr or so ago but I just got turned off half way through&told him I'm sorry I don't want to anymore.he was fine about it.so I can't blame him for not am trying since but it was a long time before then since we've done it.
It is the lack of communication&affection that worries me the most.tgat sort of intimacy.when he comes home I always say hi hows yr day been etc.he sometimes asks me how mines been but not often.he doesn't give me a kiss unless I make the first move to then I get one.

Am hoping we can talk today when he's bk from work but he's not due bk til 2 then he leaves at 3 to pk DD up from school.so will prob be more like tomorrow before we can!
Ive got a feeling he thinks it's all gonna be forgotten about&it won't happen.
I'm not gonna let it all get glossed over this time though.we NEED to sort things out!!
Think it's worrying me more than him to be honest

If you can separate the two for a moment, sex and affection, the lack of which bothers you the must? I know for me it would actually be the lack of affection that would have me the most upset. That would eat at my soul and start to get into my head, with thoughts of what's wrong with me, but don't do down that road, don't let the resentment build. Definitely have that talk, and I'll probably be flamed on this press him for answers, don't settle for quick replies. Keep asking, Why? Get him to try do dig deeper into what is really going on in your relationship.

You can’t fix a marriage on your own. If he’s not willing to see the part he plays in this then you’re onto a hiding to nothing.

Suggest marrige guidance and take it from there

Yu haven't had sex with each other for SIX YEARS?

Who are you both fucking?

Toddman yes it's the lack of affection that bothers me the most.theres no closeness.i did say that to him at the weekend&he said well we've never been like that!we were much more at the beginning but mostly down to me I have to say.i always knew if he was wanting sex because he'd ask for a cuddle in bed.thats the only time I ever got one!
Yes we are definitely going to have that talk&I do want proper answers.we can't go in like this! Im just not sure he thinks the same way.
Whoknew we aren't married but yes am going to suggest counselling but only if he's willing to accept his part in it all otherwise I don't think it's gonna work!
Nottheford I'm not fucking anyone thankyou& im pretty sure he isn't either!!

Well, if you're able to get him to talk to you let me know how it goes, I'm very interested. I hope you two can get so resolution to the problems, and make your relationship stronger. Good luck.

Thanks toddman.i asked him last night about having the talk this afternoon as he's home early&our DD is home from school later than normal so we'll have more time.hes agreed though not enthusiastically.we will see how it goes.i will let u know.

Well we talked yesterday afternoon.it went ok ish. I had to start&was bit difficult getting much out if him at first but he did open up a bit&told me what was bothering him about things I do.i told him about things he does I don't like.also needing more affection, communication.he said well if u stop doing such&such then I'd feel more like giving affection.i said well you've never been very demonstrative anyway except for at the beginning.he doesn't seem to remember that though!
He won't entertain any sort of counselling.when I asked him why he said because it won't work&he doesn't believe it's needed.we talked for about an HR&a half.then we went quiet&I guess he thought it was over as he then put the TV on.i could &maybe should have said more but I didn't I left it&let him carry on.i held my hands up to some of the stuff he said I do that he doesn't like&apologised.he didn't really apologise for anything I said he does & I don't like though he did say he doesn't mean things to come across as they do&wouldn't do it knowingly.
So we are both going to try&do things differently&take in what each others said.stop doing whatever pisses the other one off &see how we go.
I can't say I'm 100% convinced it's going to work but I'm going to try &be positive about it all&hope we work out ok.
I don't want our relationship to break up but I also don't want to carry on with it the way we have been so we will just have to see how it goes.

Now that you've had this talk, can you draw a line in the sand so to speak, and start fresh. Honestly try, without resentment of the past, and allow the opportunity for change and improvement to occur? Oh, and it won't happen over night, it will be baby steps, sometimes i step forward and 2 steps back, for him and sometimes even for you. But, hopefully you both were honest and meant what you were saying and want to improve your relationship. I hope everything works out for you two.

Thankyou Toddman so do i&thankyou for yr helpful replies.