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Original poster

Need some advice on my reaction .

28 replies

Fidgety31 · 11/03/2019 09:10

Hi . I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for nearly 3 years . It’s been rocky . We don’t live together or have kids together . Me in 40s him 50s.
He text me yesterday to say he has gone away abroad for a few days alone, to get his head straight (had some health and relationship worries).
I replied saying I feel he has been deceitful and lied to me - as he must’ve known he was going and didn’t tell me . I said I feel very hurt and I don’t believe he is alone as his phone is switched off.
I don’t know if he has gone with friends, maybe even a woman - although that’s the least likely.
But am I being unreasonable by being upset and expecting him to have told me his plans .

OP posts:
Canthearthroughmyglasses · 11/03/2019 09:16

No I would be upset by this too if my bf just sent me s text saying he is gone off and then switching his phone off, what you need to ask yourself is do you want him in your life? Is this all you want to offer yourself? I would question this behaviour too.

Tomtontom · 11/03/2019 09:17

He's said he needs a few days on his own, so you've called him deceitful and a liar. Nice.

Is there a bigger issue here, what are the relationship worries? If not your reply is horrible. Give him a break.

TowelNumber42 · 11/03/2019 09:18

Take these days to get your own head straight. Rocky relationship is a euphemism for a bad relationship with some good times in there too.

NotTheFordType · 11/03/2019 09:18

Well.... it's possible to get up in the morning and think "fuck this I'm going to Cyprus" and just go, providing you've got enough money and a flexible employer.

But that said, it doesn't sound great. 3 years in and it's been rocky for most of that? I'd call time TBH. You won't meet Mr Right while you're hanging out with Mr Wrong.

barryfromclareisfit · 11/03/2019 09:20

Stop.
Step back.
You are both mature enough to give each other space.
Stop worrying. See friends. See other men.
Enjoy his company if he is around. Forget him when he is not.

Original poster
Fidgety31 · 11/03/2019 09:21

I allied him defitful as he rang me Saturday night and said he was visiting friends and was going to drive home in the morning - he must’ve known at that pint he had a flight booked for 7 am . So he lied . He lies a lot.
Our relationship has been very difficult lately and not much fun at all.
So yes he may be truthful saying he has gone alone - but he has lied to me too.
I don’t know how to respond to him when he comes back . I’m too angry .

OP posts:
Tomtontom · 11/03/2019 09:23

Are you actually happy in the relationship, do you see each other a lot when he is here?

There's nothing wrong with taking time out for yourself. But that isn't the issue here, is it?

Original poster
Fidgety31 · 11/03/2019 09:26

It’s not that he has gone away- it’s the way he has done it . Also saying he’s gone alone when my gut feeling tells me that’s not true.
We see each other most days - but he has been feeling down lately and has some health issues which are worrying him.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 11/03/2019 09:31

Oh FFS.

Why do people put up with "rocky relationships" or "on off relationships"? One thing when you're a lovestruck teenager but middle-aged adults?

BeGoodTanya · 11/03/2019 09:33

Why do people put up with "rocky relationships" or "on off relationships"? One thing when you're a lovestruck teenager but middle-aged adults?

This. Honestly, OP, my spectacularly naive sixteen year old self would have binned this guy off as a waste of emotional energy. For whatever reason, this is making neither of you happy. Why not just step away and save yourself the bother of it all?

Original poster
Fidgety31 · 11/03/2019 09:37

I moved to this town and he’s the only person I know.
He’s not the reason I moved - that was a while other story - but I chose here because he’s here.
I feel like if I give up on everything with him then I will have to move away - I couldn’t stay here if were not together as we literally live round the corner from each other .

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 11/03/2019 09:38

Want the number for a removal firm?

BeGoodTanya · 11/03/2019 09:46

Google 'sunk cost fallacy', OP.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/03/2019 09:46

Google 'sunk cost fallacy'
You cannot stay with him.
From the sounds of it, it's never been a great relationship.
Really think about your future.
Do you want another 10-20+ years of this.
Stop settling.
You deserve more and you know it.
Stop making excuses.
End it and move on with your life.
You get one shot at this.
Don't waste it!!!!!

Bluntness100 · 11/03/2019 11:28

I think if your partner tells you he needs space, and has health worries, then the caring reaction isn't to accuse him of cheating and call him a liar.

As he didn't tell you. We have to assume he had his reasons, but both his behaviour and your reaction indicate the relationship is over, after three years you should love and trust each other, not be behaving like enemies,

I'd let him be now, and when he comes back, the two of you need to sit down and talk and end this amicably.

Original poster
Fidgety31 · 11/03/2019 13:45

Yes you’re right I should love and trust him and I guess I don’t trust him .
He cheated on me after 1 yr and I forgave him. I guess I have never really got over it though - hence my reaction now .

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 11/03/2019 15:01

He cheated on me after 1 yr and I forgave him

I repeat. Oh FFS.

Miffymeow · 11/03/2019 15:11

Even if everything else had been good and no cheating etc, if my DP told me he was going away on holiday for a few days with no notice and then switched his phone off, he would be coming back single 100%.

Why would you put up with someone doing that to you? Especially if it's rocky anyway!

AgentJohnson · 11/03/2019 15:28

Why are you still prioritising a man who sees you as an option? Time to move on!

MumsyJ · 11/03/2019 17:25

@Shatnerswig you kill me 😂.

OP, this should be the final straw or don't you think? No point being angry, as from your post, it's like flogging a dead horse. Leave and be happy!

Original poster
Fidgety31 · 11/03/2019 17:48

You are all right. I didn’t respond well to him going away. But he did wrong by going the way he did.
It feels like there is too much animosity to get over now.
I have tried so hard to make things work between us - I guess I didn’t want to admit it’s not working.

He asked for space and time alone and I didn’t give it him. Well he’s got it now. He’s blocked me on WhatsApp so I can’t contact him even if I wanted to.

OP posts:
Needtobuildabridge · 11/03/2019 18:30

He blocked you???

Oh OP, get out now!

MumsyJ · 11/03/2019 21:46

WTF that's cowardly! You haven't even explicitly broken up! Oh well, I think you know what to do now. He's so full of shit.

Original poster
Fidgety31 · 11/03/2019 21:49

I feel like He is behaving like a naughty child who has been caught out.
He is due back on Wednesday. I’m not sure if I am strong enough to not contact him at all.
Like you say - we haven’t even properly broken up.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 11/03/2019 22:33

Op, I think you know it's over, I'm sorry.

He's not behaving like a naughty child who has been caught out.

He's acting like a man who is ending, it. 💐