Has anyone ever been to mediation before?

[OhMalley]

I'm going to mediation with my emotionally abusive ex partner over visitation for our DC. I have to have an initial meeting first in which the mediator will decide whether we are suitable or not for mediation. Having spoken to them, they've said it's likely we will have to do the mediation as he doesn't have a conviction for abuse and he's never been physically violent with me. They may suggest shuttle mediation instead.

I've got my MIAM soon and I'm quite nervous about it. I'm nervous about the mediator dismissing the abuse, taking sides, doing what's best for my ex and not my son etc.

Has anyone ever been to mediation before? My ex has turned me in to a paranoid mess who doubts every decision I make so you can imagine my confidence isn't the highest at the moment...

I know the mediator is just there to facilitate discussion but I'm really quite weak at the moment.

You need to prioritise your MH. I felt totally unsupported in mediation but I was mentally quite strong and was able to be a very good advocate for myself. The goal was to draw up a parental agreement and when it became clear he wasn’t interested in having anything written down that he might have to commit to, I gave everyone a months notice that if there wasn’t significant improvement I would stop and he pulled the plug.

Sadly, the mediator wasn’t very firm and I felt that the discussions and agreements we had about where my boundaries were, were ignored. The mediator was very results oriented and i get the impression that he thought there was a greater chance of achieving a result by applying more pressure on me. I saw differently and pulled him up on it at every opportunity.

My advice to you is to go for shuttle mediation and have someone there to support you. If shuttle mediaton isn’t available, I would strongly suggest you don’t go. In addition, look into Parallel Parenting agreements which are agreements tailored to high conflict relationships.

Mediation is very difficult (impossible) where one partner is abusive - doesn't matter whether that abuse is physical or mental. The abused person cannot speak freely. I think you should request shuttle mediation instead with a friend or relative there as support, so that you can speak openly without fear of intimidation or belittlement from you ex.

Big hug to you. It is really grim when you are feeling so worn down by your ex.

Your ex does not give a stuff for your children and to my mind they need to be protected against your abusive ex as well. Mediation is often used by abusers as a stick to further use against their chosen target, in this case you and in turn your kids. He will use this to further exert his power and control over you which is what abuse is all about. Such men too hate women, all of them.

No, no and no again to mediation in your case OhMalley.

You are not safe to do mediation (even shuttle mediation) at all here, who suggested this course of action in the first place?. He will not co-operate with this process and will simply use this to further beat you up with along with manipulating the mediator who really does have no idea when it comes to abusive relationships here.

I would contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and the Rights of Women organisations if you have not already done so and talk this through with them.

To use mediation is to subscribe to the mistaken idea that abuse is related to "misunderstandings" or lack of communication. If discussion and compromise, the mainstay of mediation, could help in any way most domestic violence situations would be long ago resolved because victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly. Mediation assumes both parties will cooperate to make agreements work; the victim has always 'cooperated' with the abuser; the abuser never cooperates.

Mediation can be and is ordered by judges/courts, as can counselling and mental health evaluations. They are tools in the abuser's arsenal to be used against the victim as often as he chooses. In order for mediation to work and to not make situations worse the parties involved must have equal power and must share some common vision of resolution. This is clearly not present when domestic violence has taken place in a relationship.

Mediation practitioners must be alert to the need to interview partners separately with specially designed questions in order to determine if abuse is or has been present. Many domestic violence professionals can train others to screen safely for domestic violence. To not do so risks unsuccessful mediations, at best, and increasing the victim's danger by colluding with the abuser, at worst.

A person who has been terrorized by an abuser is not free to participate in a mediation process with him, even if the mediator(s) assume or believe that they "understand". Being truthful about any of her needs or experiences in the abuser's presence or proximity practically ensures that she is in more danger later.

The mediator is left with a no win: either the victim's danger is increased, or she is not fully or truthfully participating, or both. The well meaning mediator may actually encourage the victim to feel safe enough to share information that could seriously compromise her safety. In any case the whole intent of mediation is lost.

To engage an abuser and a victim in a process that implies equal responsibility is damaging to both. The victim is once again made to feel responsible for the abuser's behavior, and the abuser is allowed to continue to not accept full responsibility for his behaviour choices.