Feeling very lonely

[newgalssesrequired]

First message on here and would appreciate your thoughts.

I am a dad (52) married for many years and been totally devoted to my wife and two daughters. Oldest daughter has gone through uni now working full time and youngest in uni .

Sex with my wife has been less than I can count on two hands since we married approximately 28 years ago. For many years I dealt with the rejection thinking too tired etc . Reading the sexless marriage threads made me think again.

Due to the years of rejection I have been sleeping in the spare bedroom for a few years, I often think to myself how can I be this age and feel so low in my home.

Oh OP I’m very sorry you’re felling so low in your marriage. Have you spoken to your wife about the lack of sex? What does she say?

Sorry you are feeling like this but you need to discuss it with your wife asap. Its easy to get out of the habit (as i know) because of small children, work, running house. Then hard to reconnect... Now DCs at uni do you go out - theatre/cinema or for dinner ? Important to make her feel special. Its hard at this age to feel attractive ... Menopause is a big passion killer and makes you loose self esteem.

Hi there sorry to hear that at the moment i am same situation i do not have sex with my husband for 7 months for no reason i am 36 he is 39 no coment he pushes me away we hav four kids dont know what to do

Your still a young man you have to talk to your wife, it will be up to you what you choose to do regarding outcome of your discussion, with the kids practically independent you and your wife should be getting your lives back as a couple, doing a lot more things together that includes having an active sex life, Good Luck

If you have had sex less than 10 times in 28
years then there is no hope of this ever getting better.

Why don’t you end the relationship now the kids have grown up? It is possible to not have sex and still get on and not be lonely but it only works if both parties are happy.

Believe me, as your kids get older, they don’t need you as much anyway.

Have you tried to initiate recently?

Seems like a conversation needs to be had - about both your needs in a relationship.

However, I'm sorry if I sound mean, but as a single parent with one DC about to go off to college and the other soon to follow, I feel a bit funny when married people say how lonely they are. I know its true of course, but I think sometimes people don't realise why marriage is such a durable institution - it provides such a solid framework for support and care (not just sex). When you are not in such a relationship you can be so alone. So I'd say be careful about what you wish for, value the years of shared experiences and build from that - open up a real dialogue and try to really listen to each other. The grass isn't always greener - it can be much lonelier.

Is it just the lack of sex? Do you get on otherwise? Go out together? Meals? Cinema? Theatre? Holidays? It seems to be a recurring theme from the men who come on here that the shop's shut as far as sex is concerned.

It won't change, you've managed for 28 years so just accept it, I suspect the lack of sex is not really the problem.
You could throw away the current relationship you have and hope for something better, but what chance is there you won't end up somewhere else feeling even lonelier in "your own home"?

The fact that you don't see it as shared speaks volumes.

10 times in 28 years??

@Bouledeneige
I would say it’s 100 times worse being lonely in a relationship, it’s a totally different type of lonely. One you feel trapped in.

meandwinealone - yes I realised it sounded like I was setting up a loneliness competition. I didn't mean it like that though I know a lot about this issue through my work and don't think you can imagine what its like for an older person who literally sees no one from one week to the next. Who shuts the door on a friday winter's evening knowing they will not have another conversation with anyone till monday. And who is regularly crossing off the names of their friends and family in their address book as they die. That's chronic loneliness. To the point you refuse new invitations and opportunities because you've lost all confidence, feel like you have nothing to say and fear being rejected.

But I digress. All I really meant is that relationships of course need investing in, they need to be cared for and nurtured through communication and adapting to each others changing needs. Of course its a really tough ask that one relationship will last you the majority of your adult life - people change. I'm just saying don't take it for granted that the grass is always greener. That there are bountiful new relationships you could be having, with great sex and fun and laughter just waiting for you. They don't come along every 5 minutes and its tough to be on your own for years through everything - sickness of yourself or your child, loss of a job, the death of a parent, financial pressures, moving house etc.... they can be very tough and weekends can be long with no other adult around. And for famillies, for children there is huge pain and disruption. Sure it can be managed and can be got through but never minimise the costs and hurt.

I chose to end my relationship and have never regretted it. But I also know how hard it is to be on my own - not all the time but sometimes. And I fear horribly when my DC leave for college. Its soon!

When one partner takes sex off the table, usually without discussion, it's terribly unfair to the other. Marriage is a contract of sorts, and although of course it needs adjustment now and then, it should also be honored. Rejection is painful and a different type of loneliness. It eats away at your self-esteem and you either get angry with your partner or begin blaming yourself. I finally told my husband that I might as well leave. I didn't get married just to have a roommate. It's a diifferent thing to lack the physical ability altogether, but if it's just a matter of disinterest or not wanting to see a doctor, then Imo that's somewhat selfish. After giving birth or after my hysterectomy, even when I didn't always feel like it, I was still intimate with him. His needs aren't more important than mine; I chose to do so because I love him and recognized he needed the closeness. We both did.
He's finally agreed to see a doctor. I hope you can convince your wife to see someone perhaps with you. It took me saying that he made the decision to stop having sex on his own, with no discussion, and that he was breaking promises he made at the altar to help him see how much he's been unfair and how badly her hurt me. Good luck!

I think counselling together is the right thing to do - to discuss both your needs. Sexual, emotional the whole caboodle.

Sex doesnt happen for lots of reasons. Tiredness, lack of desire, being turned off and not having your sexual and emotional needs met. My marriage broke down and sex was an issue for both of us - this did get discussed at counselling. I thought he wasn't sensitive in his touch, wasnt trying to meet my needs, and that he was smelly and unclean. It put me off badly and I didnt think it was considerate to my needs. He also had his concerns which were about me being dry or turned off - see above. But I still wanted to have sex.

It takes an awful lot of commitment to be prepared to discuss this openly and hear how it feels for your partner. People tend to just think of what they want and be resentful. And in many cases partners dont even try they just have affairs and end it anyway. But as i said earlier, there is a lot to lose.