Do you feel you can tell your OH anything

[allkindsofmessedup]

Just that really.

How much does your OH know about you?
I recently got back with my OH (that's a another thread for another day), I'm really struggling mentally at the moment. I suffered abuse as a child, was groomed, and raped. Some days i can block it out but other days like today I come crashing down.

I need to talk to someone but I can't, OH isn't great at listening, everything tends to be about him. A few years ago I made the mistake of telling him I need to make a gp appointment, I suspected I had PND, and he gave me so much shit I never ended up going. But for months he would always joke about it asking if I was better or feeling normal yet.

My beautiful kids are tucked away in bed in a warm, cosy home and I feel blessed to have them, yet I don't want to be here any more.

Anyone

Yes, I can and do tell him anything.

Your partner sounds horribly unsupportive

@AnneLovesGilbert our relationship tends to be about him.
He can talk about himself for hours often repeating the same thing.

I met him at 16, was married by 18 because I was so desperate to leave me old life behind. I saw him as my knight in shining armour. I clung to him and relied on him heavily so never noticed these kinds of things but then I started to feel stronger and became more independent. But with him I still feel like that desperate 16 year old that needs saving. If that makes sense.

If he gave you a hard time when you thought you had pnd, what's he like the rest of the time?
My dw was a bit pnd with our 2nd and I only thought about her and getting her better. We can tell each other anything though sometimes we don't, which is fine too.

I don’t particularly feel I can at the moment. I try to sometimes but he will start talking about something else seemingly without realising it and I can’t keep on talking about the things that are troubling me. I don’t know whether I am overly sensitive or whether my mental health problems make me get things wrong but overall it is better when I just present the “all right” persona.

Throw this one back. It sounds like you are more focused on being in a relationship that the quality of the person you are with.

He's not at all supportive and it doesn't sound like the relationship is beneficial for your health and wellbeing.

Suggest you seek some support from GP or other perhaps a charity specialising in mental health and survivors of abuse.

Yes I can tell him anything. I'd trust him with my life and I trust him with anything I care about.
He tries to support me... sometimes he gets it a bit wrong but not because he isnt making any effort.

I'm so sorry to hear about what you have been through
Your boyfriend doesn't sound very supportive at all... are you receiving any counselling? It might be an idea to go to your gp and ask about that if not. Even if your boyfriend was the most supportive guy in the world he maybe would still not know how to support you through the terrible experiences you have had... it might be very useful to speak to an actual professional... and that also your counsellor might be able to help you talk to and explain to your partner in a way that was helpful in getting support from him.
He sounds like the type who wants to brush things under the carpet and pretend they arent happening.

I'd get some professional counselling for yourself before any attempt to talk to him about it tbh. His reaction may end up damaging you. Put yourself first not your relationship with him.

OP, please seek help for yourself. Try NAPAC.

Thank you for your replies.
I have a tough few days so not been back on.
I have to admit I am struggling massively and that is now affecting my day to day life with my dc.
If I seek counselling would I have to disclose everything ie who & when? I don't think I could because the ripple effect through my family would be catastrophic.

I don't tell DH everything. Mainly because he just doesn't understand.

I have PTSD thanks to a traumatic event at a previous work place involving a horrendous and graphic death.

DH is the type of man that views mental health as a "weakness" that you should just be instantly able to move on. I personally think this his defence mechanism as he had a chaotic and horrendous childhood full of neglect and abuse but that's a completely different years worth of stories.

Anyway I digress, I don't ever tell DH how I'm feeling mentally. If I'm sleeping, if I'm having nightmares or not, I just hide it from him, as I know he will just shrug his shoulders and say "well I don't know what you want me to do about it" , it's not that he doesn't want to support me, I think he lacks the ability to empathize with me and understand why I feel the way o do. If you see what I mean.

I just deal with my PTSD on my own, I also secretly take an antidepressant he has no idea about and the odd sleeping tablet 😳. I just can't be bothered to explain why I need them right now.

Other than that one major issue I do tell him everything else 😂 It's a mess I know, but meh onwards and upwards. 🤷

Dp I can literally tell anything, the good/bad/ugly/stupid hell we even talk about what porn we like. You should be able to talk candidly and authentically with your partner without fear.

I know how you feel because I've got shared experience and my xh was like yours. He wasn't a nice man, he was ultimately very self-centred and I couldn't heal myself with someone so willing to always cut me down and hurt me, who expected me to be his fantasy with no life of my own.

Honest advice is get yourself some decent help for your trauma. Get yourself to the point where you understand what you deserve as a person because abuse takes that away from you in every way. I don't think he's good to you or fair. I don't think you deserve to be treated like that. Everyone deserves to be loved, supported, accepted and cherished by their partner.

I did. I didn't realise then that ex was incredibly abusive, but he was. When I realised, it was too late.

Ex now uses my confidences against me.
Will never confide in another partner again.

Just something to consider.

If you’ve recently got back with him, why can’t you leave him again too?

He sounds awful - unsupportive, mocking, just shitty. I’m sure you’d feel better apart...

Yes I can tell DH anything. He doesn't always get the response right, but he'd never mock me. I've been really unwell over the last year and he's been mainly very supportive......

Your partner is vile to mock you over your admission of wanting help. I think you know you can't keep this bottled inside you though, it's destroying you. A counsellor has a duty of confidentiality and you really must open up to someone

I don't think it's important to be able to tell ones DH everything. I grew up being close to my DH and we shared every tiny thing. However after children etc things are different but it's okay. What the case with you is that you seem to have a difficult situation. When I moved to live with DH I got to know a number of people who seem to just talk about themselves. That's all they do. No doubt they can be caring etc but you can't get a word in with them. I don't find this a good trait at all and it's off putting. I also don't think it's funny to put down someone who is seeking help.
I'm not sure how you see your future with him but try putting yourself first and if you need to book an appointment then do that. You don't need to update him. If he asks what you are up to just say you have appointments and don't say why. This will probably annoy him but if he can't be supportive then he doesn't need the details. See how you cope with him when you do this. You may be able to manage being with him.
I'm sorry what happened to you. For me finding the purpose of life, the true purpose, helped me get out of depression. I can understand where you are coming from because not all of us had an easy life. If you ever want to chat, you can message me. Grooming seems to be a norm amongst many people but now you know exactly what to do to prevent it happening to your own children. They need you and you can be there for them. Forgive yourself for what happened to you and fight the demons. You can find a way out.