How to deal with DP's disclosure that he was abused when he was a child? ***Title edited by MNHQ***

[Love001]

Recently found out that my dp was abused by a family member. It was a shock, a massive one at that.

Admittedly I didn't ask too much, I let him speak mostly. He kind of said it matter of factly which I did find weird. I'll admit I'm very sensitive and do get things stuck in my head. But his wording was strange. He said it like he was telling me the time, and said he would rather have went to this persons home than go out and play (like normal 6 year olds). And said he could relate to the people in leaving neverland and was finishing some of the sentences.

Just looking for advice on how other people have dealt with this?

Thank you

The title led me to believe he was admitting to being an abuser. Phew! Well this situation is still tricky, but much easier to deal with. Don't judge him for how he told you. This is how he deals with it. Just support him.

Oh goodness no .

Yeah I tried to support him. I just don't know how to, I didn't know what to say and was totally shell shocked

yes the 'Admission' of Child abuse threw me too tbh OP.. I hope your partner finds comfort in opening up to you.

Yes sounds like he has slightly detached himself from it which is fairly common so when he explains it, it sounds almost ‘matter of fact’.
As previous poster said, just allow him to talk about it and support him. Also it’s really positive that he felt he could share that with you.

Anyone know if I can change the title ?

Bumble yeah I hope your right
Mellow your totally right. It was very matter of fact and I was so shocked by this. I know there isn't a correct way to say it.

You can report your first post to MNHQ, explain why you would like it changed and they can amend it.

I think just being there for him is all you can do. Be ready to listen and prepared to accept that he might not wish to take any action regarding it now.

I think he has probably emotionally detached himself from the experience, which is why he sounded so matter of fact.

My partner wasn’t abused per se but was certainly neglected to a certain extent. He described himself as being “well cared for” when growing up rather than loved, once and it made me feel so very sad for the little boy he once was.

@Love001 detachment is so common. Especially when it happened a long time ago. It happened to me and I didn't tell anyone until 15 years later and 3 months after the abuser died. My mother didn't believe me because I was emotionless telling her.
I'm pleased your partner has felt able to tell you. It's probs my like a huge weight has been lifted. Just hug him and tell him you're always there for him and that you're glad he's told you.
Huge hugs for you both as I know it's a lot for you to process too. Just remember he's still the same man he was yesterday xxx

This will have been a huge thing for him to admit to himself and to you.
I think you probably need to ask what he wants to do now. He might benefit from counselling, but only when he is ready.
You just need to be there for the moment. But be prepared that now he has admitted it, he may want to disclose more. But it should be in his own time.
I'm an adoptive mum and supported my son through two years of therapy to deal with his early childhood experiences. It was very traumatic and hard for me to hear and I needed theraputic support for myself. It may help you to get some counselling for yourself, even if he is not ready for it

I suspect that my ex was abused but he never actually told me. Just be glad he told you. Sometimes I think people just want it out there and dont feel the need to go to counselling or do anything about it. Mine attempted suicide which at the time broke my heart as I couldnt help as he wouldnt open up to me. Just listen.

I meant to say SOME people just want it out there...

Evening, everyone. Thanks for the reports drawing this to our attention. We've edited the thread now just to avoid any misunderstanding.

I was abused as a child op, so a few things might help from my perspective

1. detachment is very common. Aside from a few very raw times which I was supported through by a good counsellor, I often feel like the abuse happened to someone else

2. I too watched Finding Neverland and also felt like I could complete some of the sentences, as well as understand completely why neither "child" talked until they had children themselves

3. make it clear you believe him and are there for him, but let him dictate how that happens. There is nothing worse than someone pushing you to talk before you are ready / when they want to / etc

I would just tell him you believe him and wish it hadn't happened to him, that you love him, let hin know if he wants to talk you are always there, it is an open ended offer and I would thank him for trusting you enough to be able to share that.

Then I would follow his lead.

I had such a similar reaction to your DP - I never realised it was abuse because I felt it was kind of consensual.

I think the descriptions in Leaving Neverland will trigger a lot of people to realise that what they thought of was 'normal' growing up was actually abuse.

Its great he could tell you.

It may still take him some time to be ready to open up more. Just listen when he's ready.

I was abused as a child and I’ve never said it aloud, but when I imagine telling others I do it in a very matter of fact way in my head.

^i think I would do it like that so as not to depress the person I was telling too much iykwim? Because I’ve sort of come to terms with it.

My exH was abused as a child by a "friend of the family", I found the accounts of James and Wade in Leaving Neverland scarily familiar to some of the things he told me.

The best thing to do is to listen to him and be patient, supportive and loving.

I think it's often harder for men to admit to these things as they think it affects their masculinity in some way. I know my ex found it really hard and when it all finally came out, his own dad wouldn't accept it and apparently still waved to the bastard in the street.

It's worth suggesting therapy if you can get access to it but don't push.

I'm sure your DP is different but I'd recommend keeping an eye on any self-medicating habits, my ex drank to blot it out and it got quite bad.

for your DP and you.

I've just seen your previous post.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Run away very fast >>>>>>>>

Same thing, H only recently disclosed to me that he was sexually abused when he was 11. Very matter of fact. I’m the only person he has told ... after 42 years of marriage. Which is likely to explain his sex addiction which caused the breakdown of our marriage.
He’s not interested in getting help / counselling for either the abuse or the sex addiction.