Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexless marraige

13 replies

Arthur2019 · 10/03/2019 19:09

After advice. I am a married man (45) wife (43). She is a fabulous mum. I believe I am a good dad and will do anything for my kids. However I am in a sexless marriage. Longest went without sec is 18 months. But now if lucky every few months we will have sex. I have tried everything marriage councillors, date nights, flowers etc. Before I was married woman really liked me I am
Reasonably good looking and 'good with woman' please don't take that as sexist. I am the sole breadwinner my wife does not want to work so I have taken on all the money earning responsibilities and I provide my family with a comfortable life and I love spending time with the kids and look after them whenever I m not working. Biggest issue
Is no/little sex. Countless discussions over last 10 years got me nowhere. When a I am at work she goes out for lunch with her friends and went out drinking 3 times over last week with her friends. Message on her phone was flowers on a table saying 'I love you' from another man. She says it is a guy that has learning difficulties but I have seen her message him blowing kisses. All this is very draining. Any advice?

OP posts:
yorkshirepud44 · 10/03/2019 20:23

Talk to her. Tell her you're unhappy. Be prepared for what happens next. Be open to counselling and listen to her point of view.

Most importantly, do something, because this sounds draining and miserable and you could both potentially be a lot happier elsewhere.

Huskylover1 · 10/03/2019 20:31

Message on her phone was flowers on a table saying 'I love you' from another man

What? Who is this person? How does he know your wife?
Sounds very dodgy.

Sex drive in females normally rockets late 30's, so it's all very odd that she only wants in once every few months. As for having an 18 month spell with no sex, sorry, but I would have left. That's ridiculous.

Are you sure she was with friends this week, and not the other man?

SandyY2K · 10/03/2019 20:33

I don't believe her story about it being a man with learning difficulties. It's more likely she's having an affair.

In a similar thread recently the OM was allegedly gay... except he wasn't. Her husband found out it was a lie.

Question... if you confirm she's having an affair what will you do?

Putting the lack of sex aside for a moment... I'd be looking to confirm the affair by getting into investigstive mode.

What reason is she giving for not wanting sex?

It seems like you've tried a lot, she hasn't responded...so its down to you to decide what next.

Are your children all in school? Any reason she won't get a job?

woopdewoop · 10/03/2019 20:34

It sounds like your wife is engaged elsewhere on what you've written. You need to tell her what you think and how you feel. Im sure you don't want to live like this for the rest of your days. An intimate relationship is key to marriage - without it your just friends.

TheNavigator · 10/03/2019 20:35

I think you need to get your ducks in a row, your marriage sounds to be in injury time. The longer your marriage and the longer your wife is not working, the greater her claim on financial assets, including your pension. I think you need to go to mediation and find a way to separate amicably as it appears your wife has fallen out of love with you, but will not leave the marriage as it provides too much comfort and convenience.

Iflyaway · 10/03/2019 20:37

You are flogging a dead horse.

Sorry.

Nothing wrong with not wanting sex. But obviously not the woman for you.

You going to spend the rest of your life like this?

Iflyaway · 10/03/2019 20:41

Sex drive in females normally rockets late 30's

Bored cliche.

No problem in my 60's Smile

Huskylover1 · 10/03/2019 20:44

I never insinuated there would be a problem in your 60's Confused

I hope not, as that's only 11 years away for me, and I don't want to lose my sex drive.

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/03/2019 20:56

As TheNavigator said it's comfort and convenience for her so she will keep making excuses for as long as possible. You're going to have your big boy pants on and face the facts ....

I personally also think she's having an affair...

Draining is a polite way of putting it!

Original poster
Arthur2019 · 10/03/2019 21:42

Thank you so much for your advice. She has this ability to make every situation feel like it is my fault. I actually want to leave. But I am a teacher and I have seen the impact on the kids of divorce every day. It isn't a popular opinion but the kids I teach are impacted by the divorce. Both my kids are of school age.

OP posts:
SkinnyPete · 10/03/2019 22:02

I'm so sorry you're going through this @arthur2019

As others have said, this is bad and it's fine for big boy pants. She is likely having an affair, even if only emotional. Still, she doesn't fancy you Sad, as you'd be having way more intimacy if she did.

I'd challenge her on the affair. If she's not, you have a choice to start putting your foot down and taking control of your own life and relationship. If she's not interested/receptive, it's time to go.

ShatnersWig · 10/03/2019 22:26

Leave. It's over. Sorry but I there was an almost identical thread earlier in the week. Everyone pretty much in agreement there too. Your marriage is dead. End it.

SandyY2K · 10/03/2019 22:27

If the divorce is amicable, the impact on kids is greatly reduced.

This is no way to live.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread