Hey there everyone, this is my first and likely last post on Mumsnet. If this isn’t appropriate, or I have used the wrong section of the Forum, please move my post to the correct location.
Firstly, allow me to introduce myself. I’m a 29 year-old father with a 5-year old Son. My Son is my absolute everything. I have previously worked as a SEN Teacher in a school, I now work for a Global Craft Company selling children’s craft products, as well as adult craft products. I have previously suffered from Manic Depression in my teens, due to the weight of expectation upon me through my childhood. I feel myself slowly slipping back into this state of mind and for my own sanity, I needed somewhere to air my thoughts.
Why Mumsnet? Well, considering my mother is my best friend, my rock and my hero, I figured other mothers who may have had their children in similar situations, may be able to help. My family are keeping me together, but their clouded judgement and current state of anger has brought me here, for hopefully some middle-ground.
I find myself in a situation which is unbearable.
Please grab a brew because this may take some time to read through & digest.
When my Son was born, his mother and I were happily together. We got on and we were great. Unfortunately, skip forward a year & 6 months and I find myself in a situation where she has had an affair with a man. This was the third time she had cheated on me, and for me that was enough. During this time I was working in a School, specifically teaching children with autism, ADHD and other special needs. Her anger set in, and she essentially prevented me from seeing my Son.
I didn’t see him for 6 months, and after a rather short court case, after plenty of false accusations made against myself (to the point the school had to step in and write to the courts as part of my defence), the courts granted me access to my Son. Throughout the entire process, I pleaded that we try mediation (she didn’t want to), that we come to a mutual agreement for the sake of our Son. She wasn’t having it. Anyways, the court through her allegations out as nothing more than unequivocal lies to stall and prevent me seeing my Son.
Fast forward three months and she messages me. “Hey sorry for all the hassle through the courts, do you want to meet up and we can sit down and sort this out?” This is what I’d been asking for, for almost a year. For us to sit down and do what’s best for our Son. Being a Teacher who’d dealt with children on a 1-2-1 case who were coming from broken homes where social services etc. were involved, I never ever wanted us to reach that point. There was no need to. She wasn’t a danger to my Son, she was a decent enough person. She just couldn’t help but allow her eyes to wander. I said throughout the entire court case that I have no reservations about her ability as a parent, or her as a person, just that we weren’t right for each other.
So we finally reach a mutual agreement for the best interest of our Son. Fantastic. She finds a new partner, I stay single for a while and we all move on. I pick him up at the weekends from her house, we have a chat every now & again, everything is great for our Son. The one day, out of the blue she tells me she still loves me and wants to be with me. I don’t feel the same (she put me through utter hell with the courts) so I respectfully decline (this is whilst she is still with her partner).
Fast forward three years (this is where it starts to get important, I hope you’re still reading). I meet an amazing woman and I finally get myself into a relationship. My Son’s mother finds out and doesn’t take it too well. She sends me messages saying how she’s going to leave her kids with me/suggesting to take her own life because she can’t cope without me. This was literally out of the blue. I, of course worried about her mental health tell her it’ll all be ok/she’s a great mum and that she’s in a decent relationship with a decent guy. Anyways, she splits up with the guy and begs for me to come back. Again, I decline. She tells me how she can’t have me loving anyone else and moving on. A couple of the weekends I’m supposed to have my Son, he doesn’t come around. “He’s ill” or “he’s had a headache so you won’t be able to do much with him”. Me being rather laid back, just get on with it. Raising this with the court terrifies me as I don’t want to go back to court, I don’t want to put my Son, who’s now a bit more older through all of this which almost destroyed me. So I put up with random weekends of him not coming around. She then moves on with another guy.
Now, we’re finally here. Last week I received a phone call out of the blue from the local police department during my lunch break. “Hi there, I believe you’re XYZ’s Dad?” “Yes, that’s correct”. Well I’ve just spoken with his social worker and I’m informing you that we’re currently investigating him for possible sexual abuse” “From who?” “You.” I of course tell them that this is utterly ridiculous and want to know where the allegations have come from. “Now whilst your Son has not disclosed anything to us, his mother has, which we cannot go into detail of.” All of a sudden I burst into tears, I feel sick in my mouth, and my heartbeat reaches critical levels. My entire head goes off, and I can’t stop it. I obviously comply with the officers request (I was supposed to have him this weekend but as these allegations have been made he stated I’m not allowed him). I explain I’ll help in any way possible and that these allegations are completely falsified. I comply with everything, put the phone down, walk back into my workplace and burst into tears.
I’m broken, absolutely broken. I get sent home from work as I’m all over the place. This was Thursday. It’s not Sunday and I’m still having fits of tears, uncontrollable tears. I’m due back into work tomorrow, but I know they’ll all be asking how my weekend with my Son was. I’m literally crying right now at the prospect of that question. My Son doesn’t deserve this. My Son is being tested next week to see if they find anything. They won’t. But he’ll ask why he wasn’t at Daddy’s this weekend. He’ll wonder why, after we spoke only on the Tuesday and I promised to take him swimming and to crazy golf, why his Daddy wasn’t there.
I have a meeting with my solicitor on Wednesday, but I don’t want to make any rash decisions. From where I’m stood, I’ve always got on with his mother for his sake, however this has crossed the line. As far as I’m concerned his mother is mentally abusing him. She has mentally abused me and I’ve put up with it for the sake of his wellbeing. But now his wellbeing is in jeopardy because of his jealous, bitter mother. My head is understandably all over the place. To hear that they’re checking to see if I’d do something so despicable has devastated me. She has previously filmed him swearing and then on the video asked “who told you that word?” “Daddy”. She’s trying to get him diagnosed with anxiety and is blaming me for it (I have several messages from her claiming he’s suffering with anxiety whenever he comes back from my house). I think she’s been doing all of this, planning this all along to then make this allegation as the breaking point.
But this is me thinking in a state of mania, hence why I’m here. Any other perspective to all of this is more than welcome. Any advice you can offer would be truly grateful. I’m a completely broken parent who wants the best for the most important person in his life. I’m here pleading for help, any help you can offer. My family are angry/biased, so their advice I’m taking with a pinch of salt.
I’ll point out I may have missed some points out, so if you have any questions, please let me know. My head is all over the place at the moment so I’m finding it hard to concentrate. Doing this has focused me somewhat. Thank you for taking your time to read this, again, any advice would be more than welcome. I wouldn’t wish what I’m going through on anyone. I’m completely broken. I'll be checking back daily to see if anyone has any advice, apologies if it takes me a while to reply.
Best regards and have a wonderful week ahead.