DH lazy or depressed?

[Tiredbadger]

I need some advice on how to handle this situation with my DH. Married for 7 years, together for 10. 2 young DC.

He works full time and I am a SAHP. I do all the cleaning, cooking, money management and admin. Arrange all jobs that need trades around the house. Take DC to all activities. When he is off work he does help out but he needs prompting.

Here is where we have conflict, if I ever ask to him to do something or remind him of something he said would do he gets so angry. Not with me though, with himself. He just forgets everything.

For example, he takes a packed lunch to work everyday but never tells me when he needs food in to make his lunches, he looses his temper so easily with the DC if they are being difficult.

I am torn between doing everything myself or asking/nagging him and then he is miserable for the rest of the day. He wants to do better, it's not that he doesn't care. It just never happens. I'm so fed up with our relationship, the constant grumpiness and I just don't know what to do.

Sorry OP it's not clear why you think that he may be depressed, can you explain?

Sorry, it's not clear at all. I think it's because he gets so angry with himself at not doing what he knows he should be. And then he is constantly grumpy/miserable once I've said anything. Does that make sense?

Sort of, he sounds lazy to be honest. Your post reminds me of my ex. He had dreams/goals but never any motivation to actually achieve anything! My daily life revolved around his grumpyness and it was unbelievably draining.
Can you give him an ultimatum? If he doesn't change, it might be time to think about leaving, for yours and your DC's well-being.

I think you're right. I think he just assumes I'll carry on because that's what I've always done but it's so draining being around him, like having another child. I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt but I'm so fed up with him that an ultimatum might work.

Can you - very kindly, and not in the moment - call him out on it. Later that day. “DH, when I asked you to do x/when something I said made you remember you’d forgotten to do y, it seemed to make you really cross - in fact you were grumpy for the rest of the day. This makes me not want to ask you to do things, and yet that puts everything on me when I think it would be better for us and DC to share the load. Can we chat about why you’re getting so upset?”