DSIS and her abusive DH

[Blarblarblar]

I’ve posted about this before but I just don’t know what to do. It’s getting worse. My sister has been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 20 yrs. He is getting physical now. Their children saw it. She confessed to our other sister but not me.
Our whole family stayed over at Christmas and he took himself to his room to sulk/hiss at her for an entire day. It was awful. We all wanted to say something but felt it would make things worse for her so now I feel I was colluding in his behaviour. I hate him, can not bare to be in the same room. They wanted to visit recently and I told her I didn’t want him here (not gone down well).
My DM and other sister tried to talk to her about it this wknd and she just stormed off.
The house is in his fathers name so if she leaves she walks with nothing and he’s a vicious dick so he won’t let her go easy would fight for the kids etc and as he was the primary carer for two years she worries he would get the kids.
My sister is a very feisty woman, she has an incredible job, hobbies and friends. She is driven and strong and capable and wickedly funny. I admire her so very much. But she is so unhappy, so unhappy that she fights with us all over anything, says the cruellest things and is getting really hard to be around. I know she’s hurting but I’m angry at her for not leaving I’m so ashamed of that.
I know I can’t do anything I guess I just wanted to vent. For someone to say they left in their 40s and it was ok. Or can I do anything?

If you think she could read it without him reading it, I would say exactly this in a letter or email:

My sister is a very feisty woman, she has an incredible job, hobbies and friends. She is driven and strong and capable and wickedly funny. I admire her so very much. But she is so unhappy, so unhappy that she fights with us all over anything, says the cruellest things and is getting really hard to be around.

If she's now in her 40s she has plenty of time to sort out her finances etc if she leaves now. If she stays too much longer she'll be screwed.

She’s 40. I’ve composed a letter to her so many times but chickened out as I know she will probably ignore me for months.

Well, if she ignores you it means she'll be thinking about what you said. You know how it is if you're ignoring someone! And you know, the next time he's horrible to her, she may well take it out and re-read it.

I think you should write a letter but one which anyone else would agree with. Be very, very reasonable. Talk about her losing herself and that you want her old self back again. That will be something that's occurred to her many times.

You haven't got a lot to lose. She needs to have a wake up call while she's young enough to act.

Nothing to loose and hopefully it might give her a little more strength. Thank you.

Your sister sounds a bit like another thread running here. His house, bought by his parents in his name.

I'd just tell your sister, you're always there for her and the kids.

Actually if the DC are witnessing the abuse, it's a potential safeguarding issue.

In my angry moments I consider contacting SW but It would just put my sister under more stress.
I worry about the wee ones and the trauma the stress of the home is already putting on them.