Brought up by DM and a part time ‘D’F

[BrieAndBread]

Have NC. Long time lurker.

DH has suggested I go to counselling to talk through my feelings but I’d be interested to hear from people who grew up with a part time dad to check if how I’m feeling is normal? I think I need a reality check or to read other peoples experiences of having a crap dad still in their life.

My Dad (can’t even bring myself to write DF or DD, I’ll call him Dave for the sake of this post) left my DM when I was 3 & she brought up my DSis and I on her own for a few years before meeting my DStepDad. He’s been a consistent male figure in my life and we have a good relationship.

From as far back as I can remember, I saw Dave every 2 weeks, for one day only, he’d pick us up on schedule and drop us off at 5pm on the dot. We never stopped over. The house wasn’t child friendly. Looking back, we were an inconvenience for him and his new girlfriend. There were no holidays (but they went away as a couple), birthday and Christmas presents were small and not relevant to us and as I reached my teens, I lost all respect for him.

I was encouraged to have a relationship with him because “he’s your dad” and so every other week meet up’s continued throughout my teens / 1990’s when I got a part time job and couldn’t see him. We’d meet for a meal once a month maybe.

At 18, I went off to uni and he stopped the child maintenance to my DM but instead direct debited me a small amount of money each month (think about £25, can’t remember now). I don’t remember seeing him other than a handful of times during the year.

Throughout my 20’s Dave wasn’t really present. We’d speak at some point near a birthday or Father’s Day. He’d ask about work / uni / boyfriends, it’d be a 10 minute chat, if that. Like a “scheduled” dutiful chat, on both sides.

I am outspoken and I vaguely recall telling my step mum that Dave doesn’t make the effort with me, and she said I didn’t either and that it was two way. We didn’t really resolve it.

I’m now a parent and I can’t believe I’ve reached this stage in my life and not realised how crap he is as a dad. My dd is now the same age as me when he left and I can’t imagine my DH leaving and becoming a p/t or “checked out” dad.

He moved over 200 miles away from our home town around 10 years ago and so we rarely see each other now (funerals and weddings!) but we’re not NC, so it’s a strange relationship.

I sense that my whole personality is down to feeling rejected by him. I’m assuming there is some physiology book out there that this feeling I have is “normal” but I can’t shake the feeling of sadness that I effectively don’t have a dad / daughter relationship, despite there being this person on the sidelines. I beat myself up for not being perfect and this week (following a bit of self help reading) I asked myself why I have this desire to be the perfect mum, wife, daughter, sister, friend etc and it’s because I don’t want people to reject me (this was a light bulb moment for me yet seems so obvious now) I want people to like me because Dave never did (or if he does, he doesn’t show it).

My DStepD is lovely but he’s made mistakes with his own DC and I see bits of Dave in him when it comes to his own DC and I get frustrated with him. My DM and I get on, but we’re not the best of friends (I get easily wound up by her ways, and I wind her up too)

I feel like I have 4 parents but do not have fantastic relationships with any of them (in comparison to other families) and the common theme is me

I’m in weird place about everything and don’t know if my feelings towards Dave are fair. Perhaps I’ve been a crap daughter. I’ve not heard from him this year or much over Christmas. A couple of texts from me to him, and I briefly spoke to him in January (short 5 minutes)

I feel a crap mum to my DD. She’s brilliant and I don’t feel good enough for her. My DH is equally amazing and he loves me and basically describes Dave as a waste of space. He says he can see Dave has regrets, but he doesn’t know how to fix it with me. DH has gently told me I’m less fun and too serious these days and I’m all of a mess in my head that I’m no good for anyone and joining the minor bit of criticism from DH, with my feelings about Dave.

If you’ve reached the end, I applaud you. Sorry for rambling. Any words of wisdom or immature name calling of my knob head dad would be appreciated

These sorts of dynamics can give all sorts of issues.

I had poor parents, the ins and outs are far too lengthy. But totally absent father, because my mentally I'll mother threaten to kill us and herself if he tried to see us (only found that out recently), until mum decided that she wanted him back and basically allowed him to see us if they were back together. Mum never has to date admitted she has issues and aside from being committed once and her parents removing her, never sought or received any support. He believed she would so stayed away. I get it in some ways, hate him for leaving us with her and her problems and threats to kill if she didn't get her own way

In all honesty what I realise is that their relationship with each other has always been the dominating factor in my life. Even as an adult when they argued they would call me. As kid they didn't care if it upset me or kept me awake. Our whole lives revolved around them and what was happening in their relationship.

I am NC now, although I did actually get on with my dad. Their drama has made me I'll. Even when I left abusive exh and told them he raped me, it was about how they felt.

I know I am insecure, I know I expect a little bit too much reassurance from Dp. But I feel that genuinely being cared about, is something I haven't had. And yes I have periods of depression and self loathing. Counselling didn't help me.

Dp has similar issues, but the longer we have known eachother the more we seem to heal. He feels no one has ever been in his corner and everytime I back him he feels more secure. Everytime he shows me he has been thinking of me or that he cares ( little things like leaving me a note saying he Hope's I have a good day), I feel calmer and stronger.

Its oftencsaid 2 people with issues shouldn't be together and shouldn't try and fix eachother. But it's worked for us, because we each understand the pain of when a parent leaves and the one you are left with is shit. .
It's not exactly the same as your situation. But i wanted to let you know you arent alone.

Oh and yeah....Dave is a dick and dowsnt deserve you

You desrved so much more than this

Now that you're a parent you can put it in context. You weren't a bad daughter, he was and is a shit father and your mum isn't brilliant either to put this on you. I can imagine that when the only people who are supposed to love you unconditionally don't, then it can mess you up. But you have a loving and supportive husband and you sound like a wonderful and caring mum. There is nothing you can do about your parents, this was never about you, it's about them.

@Frecklesonmyarm I'm so sorry you went through what you went through with your mum and dad. That sounds truly awful. Thank you for taking the time to share your story. DH is amazing and he has got my corner too.

@NotTheFordType and @Musti thank you I felt like an idiot for writing this post as I know some people have had far worse parenting and upbringing. And the irony is that to the outside world of Dave and my DM/STD, they have "2 lovely girls / families / good jobs etc, all doing well and didn't we do a good job?" when actually, from my mid-teens I pretty much was an independent person financially and emotionally.

At what point do you stop blaming your parents for your own behaviours though? I feel my behaviours are shit at the moment (mainly at home) and I need to change that.

Feeling a bit meh still but want to thank you again for responding yesterday.

What is counselling like? Do you think it will help me?

Counselling would help, if you found a good match.
This course is amazing. You get to unpick your childhood and leave with tools to live your best life.

You've said that you've talked to your stepmum about Dave but have you ever spoken to him about your feelings?

And if so, what was his take?

It's interesting that your step mum said you dont make an effort - it's a two way straight. We are having a very similar issue (at it's core) in our family at the minute that I'm more an observer in like she would have been but my take on it is that you are were the child. He was supposed to understand that and make sure you felt loved etc. Was and felt it.

Without talking to Dave you can't ever really know what was at the root of his behaviour.

Do you want a relationship with him?

Sorry lots of questions. They are what went through my mind though reading your post so thought they might be helpful.

@Etino thanks for the link. Sounds very interesting (although very expensive).

@NWQM to answer your questions, no, I’ve never spoken to Dave about it. The relationship isn’t there for me to talk about anything remotely emotional. On the occasions we would see each other, it just wouldn’t be appropriate for me to say, by the way, I think you’re a shit dad. As a person, he’s interesting (intelligent) and you can have discussions about day to day goings on (Brexit, company car schemes as random examples!) but he is also very sensitive. Even jokey type comments about things (I’m sarcastic in my humour) he’d find offensive.

Do I want a relationship with him? No, I don’t think I do. I think, and have thought for a long time, that it would be easier to be NC. But, having said that, I feel that since the death of gran (his mum) last year, he’s stepped away even more from me. Kind of like the only link between us has gone so he’s gone NC with me. Perhaps it feels like a double rejection and that I didn’t make the decision. Writing that down makes me feel like I am being an immature, that I didn’t do it first. It’s pathetic. I need to get over that he’s stepped away from me.

My expectations are too high of him. I need to lower them.