My mum puts dad first at expense of others

[Aaaahfuck]

My mum has been married to my dad for 40 years they're in their early 60s. I wouldn't say their relationship is good. They have few shared interest, my mum is almost always annoyed by him and has always taken on the bulk of domestic work. I don't think my dad is a particularly pleseant or considerate person, he can be quite critical.

I think she has anxiety issues but hasn't really had meaningful help for it, she smokes in secret (or not so secret). She doesn't seem engaged with much in life.

What I find difficult is she doesn't seem to be able to confront him or say no to him or challenge him. Meaning she often will do things she doesn't want to do to keep him happy. These are things like going out when she wants to stay in, helping him out with his buisness or taking on the domestic burden.

I've felt for a while now that her behaviour of trying to keep my dad happy has an impact on her mental health and relationships with others. Like she is so preoccupied not putting him out she will be inconsiderate to others.

On the one hand I have sympathy because she is probably not happy and has anxiety. (I have experience of anxiety so understand what it's like). Then on the other hand she can be quite inconsiderate to me and other family members. I feel like we excuse poor behaviour but its still kind of shitty and doesn't feel nice.

I'm not totally sure what I'm asking... Should I just continue to act like her behaviour is OK? Or is it unreasonable to be a bit upset by her behaviour given the circumstances? Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this? I'm also wondering how I can stop feeling bad when she doesn't consider me.

They've been married for 40 years, I think it'll be a tall order for things to change quickly.

Have a chat with her and voice your concerns.

What is your issue? You need to break it down.

Are you worried about her?

Or is that you feel that's she puts him in front of you?

Also can u ask how old you are?

Can you articulate what you mean about her being inconsiderate tonuou or others?

This is the bit you have a right to be upset about, but only this. However you need to articulate what that lack of consideration looks like in reality for anyone to comment.

I'm in my early 30s. I have my own home, job and partner etc.

I think my concerns are that she's not happy, her anxiety is obviously not good which is why she's smoking in secret, the effect on myself and other family members. Also I do think in my childhood she made choices to keep him happy which negatively effected me and my sibling. For example moving to a different very rural area in my mid teens. I think I often feel she doesn't value me or our relationship.

Like pp said 40 years will take a long time to change. I have talked to her but not about how it has a negative impact on others. I feel this would hurt her. As she probably feels a lot of the time she's not keeping him happy so I'm reluctant to add to that.

An example of the sort of thing she does. We will make a plan to do something say at the weekend not massively concreat but say we will go for lunch or have a day out. Then she will go out with my dad or have said she will do stuff making it awkward to actually do anything. Something that comes to mind. Once on my birthday she was on call the night before then came home and didn't sleep because my dad wanted help with something. We went for dinner to celebrate my birthday and she was obviously exhausted and just wanted to go home as soon as possible.

How do you feel about your father in all this? Responsibility for putting him first seems to rest totally on your mother in your mind? It sounds like he was the one orchestrating this: she was on call all night and instead of ensuring she slept he got her to help him to the point she couldn't function at your birthday for example. Who wanted to move to the middle of nowhere? Him or her? Did she feel she had a choice? Was putting your father first a way of placating him? Was it a way of ensuring the family together? What do you think would have happened if she put you first?

You're bashing your head against a brick wall trying to change things, after all this time. You've got your own life, partner and stuff to worry about. You're a grown up. If she needs your help, she'll ask for it.

@Thingsdogetbetter I get what you're saying. Partly this was because I was just giving quick examples. I don't really have much relationship with my dad because I do see it as him being the one who is pushing for these things. It probably was about keeping the family together and placating him to do this.

If she hadn't done this there would have been arguments. He doesn't deal well with criticism or challenge.
I think she would have been happier if they broke up. But would have found the social and financial asp

Sorry posted too soon...
I think there is a stigma to divo for her as she's from a background where people gossip lots about others.

@Singlenotsingle you're probably right! I just feel kinda sad about it. For her and the wider family.

He probably makes her life hell if she doesn't put him and his needs first, so perhaps concern for her welfare and mental health needs to be uppermost in your mind.

Your dad is the problem. Your mum is scared of him or of his reactions and her behaviour has been dictated by that feeling for 40 years. Because of your dad and the way he treats her.

If you have a problem, it should be with him. If you want to talk to someone about it and make it stop, it should be him. But you're claiming the victim.

She may have made bad choices, but those choices were made because your dad said so. They were his.

Support your mum, and if leaving him would be the best thing for her then help her. But don't blame her or accuse her of ruining things. Your dad is the one doing that.

In your example above. Your dad knew it was your birthday. Your dad knew your mum needed sleep. But he kept her up because he wanted something... yet you blame her for ruining the dinner and not your dad? Even with how badly he treated her that day?

I think what you are describing is a woman who has anxiety and low self esteem after having been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 40 years.

We all read stories on here from women who stay because they think a stable family unit is better for their kids, or they just don't have the energy or financial ability to leave. It sounds to me like she has actually been putting you first for a long long time.

She deserves your concern and love, not your judgement.

I disagree with the last post. Your mother has been emotionally absent and made adult choices her whole life to put your critical father ahead of you.

You have been raised with emotional neglect and have every right to name it.

I’m not sure you can change this dynamic at all but it’s good that you’re starting to process how you feel.

My mother has never made a single decision in her forty eight year marriage, has lived (with for the best part of two decades a series of elderly uncles of my father, whom she addressed as 'Mr My Father's Surname', and for whom she cooked and cleaned like a hired skivvy) in a tiny, inconvenient house she has always hated, which my father inherited from his uncle on the proviso that he and my mother had to share it with said uncle and his brothers as long as they lived -- my father would not consider getting a mortgage and buying his own house, as it was 'too much hassle'), has never had a job other than some casual childminding, or her own bank account, has never had the slightest hand in some of my father's insane decisions, and lives a very isolated life, as my father is autistic and lives for a single obsessive hobby, which dominates the house, and who loathes any change from routine, however tiny.

As a result, she is a lonely, passive-aggressive woman, who is attracted to people with awful illnesses and catastrophes, resents other people's happiness, and is made irrationally furious by women having the most innocent fun, or being free, or acting in their own best interests, and is full of anger of which she is entirely unconscious.

She has three adult daughters who have regularly over the last 20 years, tried to give her the tools to change her life in small ways, using different approaches, and trying to encourage her to have some fun -- but we have concluded she fundamentally doesn't want to.

To make changes after all this time would involve acknowledging that she has sacrificed her own life needlessly. Like your mother, OP, she lets my father come before everything --his preference for a cast-iron routine dominates, and she turns down invitations because he won't go out and talk to people normally, including his own brother, and hates having anyone in the house. I don't think anything can be done.

We have tried on a number of occasions to book them a holiday to somewhere my mother has always wanted to go, but there's always some excuse why it can't happen, and she won't go without him, or with one of us.

AtrociousCircumstance, that emotional neglect was perpetrated by both her parents, but she is laying all the blame on her mum.

I also agree that you're not being fair to your mum here, the issue is clearly your father, he is to blame, not her.

If you need to talk to anyone it's him, you don't need to pile more shite on her shoulders. It sounds like she's got a belly full of it going on as it is, without her child telling her it's not good enough and making her even more miserable.

I'm focusing more on my mum because I don't really have a relationship with my dad. I don't think you can make assumptions about what I think and feel towards him while I'm talking about a different person. I care about my mum so want to support her. I think the various point of view are true in that some of the behaviours were neglectful, but it wasn't just her and that her behaviour is dictated by him. It's interesting to see the fairly harsh tone used in some replies which seem to ignore that I was asking if actually it was OK to feel this. I did also say I was reluctant to add more to her plate. Maybe I haven't been her long enough but I feel like I would offer more gentle replies to someone genuinely asking about appropriate reactions. So genuinely thanks for the content if not the tone.

No she isn’t (laying all the blame on her mum). The dad sounds like a lost cause. The OP is trying to make sense of the neglect she experienced.

Telling her she has to feel empathy and understanding for her mother - instead of naming her own pain about how she was treated - is silencing the OP.

So OP - YANBU.

Telling her she has to feel empathy and understanding for her mother - instead of naming her own pain about how she was treated - is silencing the OP.

Don't be so ludicrous. No one is trying to silence her. They are telling her to blame the real culprit and not add further misery to someone already suffering.