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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship Advice/Sleep

6 replies

autumnleaves15 · 10/03/2019 15:27

Hello,

I've never posted on a forum for advice before but I'm looking for some opinions/other points of view.

My other half and I have been together for over 4 years, have lived together most of that time and we have a healthy relationship. There's one thing I'm struggling with however.

Though the week I go to bed quite early, aiming to be asleep for 10pm so I can be up at half 6 for work in the morning. At the weekends, I go to bed a bit later but I'm still an early bird - I just can't sleep in beyond 8am.

My other half has very similar working hours to me but the opposite sleep pattern. He stays up until around midnight through the week and around 2am at weekends. He really struggles to get up in the mornings. He's running late for work quite often but I've stopped chasing him out of bed in the morning as I feel it just causes tension and he should be responsible for getting himself up for work.

At the weekend, I always discuss our plans (individual and joint) in advance to ensure we both have use of the car and can fit in whatever we need and want to do. As I said, I wake up early and will laze around for half an hour, make my cup of tea, get ready and do some quiet tasks to pass the time. I'll then wake him up at the time he asked me to e.g. 10am. Hours can pass between this and him actually getting up. He's also a bit of a procrastinator in the morning and will sit around in between his coffee, the shower, getting dressed etc. We end up not getting out of the house until 2 or 3pm sometimes and it feels such a waste of a day. Sometimes we end up not being able to do what we had planned which can leave me feeling disappointed and unable to make other plans with people at such short notice.

I've tried talking to him about it. I've explained that I can't stay up later through the week but try to at the weekend. I've asked him if he'd come to bed a little earlier one night at the weekend so we can make the most of one of the days.

I don't want to do anything which will come across as hostile such as disappearing out the house without him on a Saturday morning as it might come across I'm taking the car away from him. At the same time, I'm fed up sitting about for hours waiting for him to get up and ready before we can do anything fun or productive with our day.

Has anyone been in a similar situation who has been able to resolve it or compromise?

OP posts:
rvby · 10/03/2019 15:49

My partner and I are like this.

I go out/ do things in the house/ have ppl over etc and he stays in bed. It's not really a big deal.

Does he get upset if you leave the house without him?
Do YOU feel upset doing things without him?

If the answer to either of these is yes, then it's really likely you're not compatible. You could try to change your habits of mind together - eg decide you aren't going to get upset about either, and see how that goes. But you can't change a night owl into a lark or vice versa.

rvby · 10/03/2019 15:51

Another thing my dp does is he will often stay up late while I'm sleeping and do things around the house to make my morning quicker e.g. clean kitchen, pack my gym bag etc. It can be wonderful tbh as long as you both are on the same pane

autumnleaves15 · 10/03/2019 16:13

We both go and do things separately but neither of us live particularly close to our friends and family so we try to plan so we can both get to and from our plans/car share. He doesn't get upset and neither do I.

I'm just feeling a bit annoyed about it this weekend in particular because he got up so late yesterday the day was gone and he didn't have time to visit his family in the afternoon and he didn't want to go in the evening as I'd suggested.

We had tickets for an event today at 4pm and he cancelled these plans to visit his family because he didn't make it yesterday. I don't have any problems with him seeing his friends or family but I'm feeling disappointed that we can't go to the event. Yesterday I suggested that he went to visit them earlier in the morning/early afternoon so we could go to our event but he didn't want to do this.

I couldn't get any friends to come to the event at short notice so I'd asked if he would drop me off at a shopping centre as I thought I could spend the day there and get some lunch while I was out and he could collect me on his way back (the shopping centre is 5 minutes from his family's home) and he said no. So I've ended up at home with no plans because he didn't get up early enough to fit in what we had arranged for the weekend.

This is one of the more extreme examples to be fair but quite often we end up being late to meet people or not making things because he won't get up and get moving in the morning even when he knows we have places to be.

OP posts:
rvby · 10/03/2019 22:32

@autumnleaves15 why did he refuse to drop you at the shopping centre? I'm trying to imagine my dp refusing to drop me somewhere and I literally can't imagine it tbh. Even if he hadn't let me down. Even if it wasn't on his way...

Does he like you OP?

Cherrysoup · 10/03/2019 22:48

He’s stopping you from doing stuff. Aren’t you bored? My dh and I will have chill mornings, but we’re usually out by 11 to get stuff done.

If I were you, honestly, I’d get up and do my own thing. What a waste of time otherwise. You only get one life, OP. Live it.

OrigamiZoo · 10/03/2019 23:09

Make your own plans without him. When he asks why, say he's never up in time and he lets you down.

(I say this as a night howler but we do stuff if planned)

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