Advice/support needed

[Exhausted101]

Hi all,

Name changed for this.

Ok, so backstory (sorry it’s long!) I have a DD6 with my ex. I split up with him when our DD was 6 months old due to his drinking and abuse towards me. My mum died due to alcohol abuse and he kept telling me I drove him to drink etc missed out on his first Father’s Day as he was hungover, didn’t want to know DD until she ‘had a personality’???? He used to sit outside my house for hours and just watch. I called the police and they had a chat with him. I get messages all the time telling me that I’m damaging DD etc.

Has only just started paying for DD as he said he would give me £5 a week and would want receipts for everything I buy. I finally had the strength and courage to go through CMS to get him to pay about 8 months ago. Which he’s missed payments on.

Anyway, DD sees ex 2 days a week for a few hours and every other weekend. DD has come home saying he has said things to her eg “your mum left me so she will probably leave you too and you can live with me” I had her sleep with me for 2 weeks due to this comment alone.

He is like a Disney dad. Buying her love. He gets her to do homework in the pub, keeps her indoors because ‘he’s poorly’. What he does with her in his time is his choice. Made a big deal out of DD panto at school but never shows up.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. DD asked me to tell her dad that she wasn’t feeling very well on one of the weekdays as she didn’t want to go round. Then she said she wants to stop one of the days. I told her she needs to tell him the reasons and he should respect her wishes. She told me she’s scared of his actions (not that he would physically hurt her but tell her off) so I text him explaining what had happened. All hell broke loose.

He accused me of manipulating her and telling her what to do. I’m stopping him from seeing her. I’m a disgusting excuse for a mother. Just general abuse really.

This has been going on for years. I tried to go through the courts about a year ago but couldn’t afford it. I received legal advice and was told not to do mediation as he’s an abuser. I’m just so exhausted. The loooong essay texts I get from him threatening social services. I’ve had to get another phone due to the messages I get from him. Parents evening, DD asked if we can go separately as she doesn’t want him to be there. I told him this and he demanded that we go together. “You will be there at this time on this day. You will regret it if you don’t.” I didn’t go because honestly, he scares me.

It came to a head today as he messaged me saying I’m a liar and DD wants to see him still on the weekday and he will now get ss involved because I’m abusing her emotionally.

I just want my DD to be happy. I hate having her back and see her cry because she hated it round there because of x,y and z.

In my mind he’s seething that I finally had the balls to walk away all those years ago and is punishing me through DD. I haven’t got the strength to keep on doing this. I try my hardest to make sure DD is always happy and yet I get shit for it because she is too scared to tell him the truth about how she feels.

There’s still so much more I could say or give examples of but I just want him to leave me the hell alone. Anyone had any experience of this or any advice on what I should do? I’m so upset. I always encourage DD to have a relationship with her dad but it seems if I try and do right by her I get messages telling me I’m a shit parent etc.

Can I get a restraining order? I just want him to stop messaging me. He tells me I need to tell him what’s going on but when I do I get blamed for it!!

Thanks for reading and if you made it to the end x

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I'm sure someone else will come on with experience soon and give you some useful advice. I was just thinking that if he does bring social services into this, it will not be to his benefit. Good that the police were informed of his stalking. Have you kept records of the written abuse?

Thank you @ravenmum. Yes I’ve got the texts and emails from him. It’s just relentless and I’m so worn out.

I’m trying to do the best by DD but I just get flamed by him. It’s not fair on her.

See a solicitor.
Parental alienation is a crime now.
He is abusing you via your dd.
And mentally abusing her too imo.
Seek a court order giving you residence so he can't try and just take her.

Can you block him on text messages? With emails you can set up a filter so they are hidden, and then just look at them, say once a day, in the morning when you still have the energy.

Do you have any real life support? Self-help groups, friends, Women's Aid? What he's saying is purely abuse - it says nothing about you and everything about him - and you sound as if you could do with some people around you to remind you of that.

Thank you for your replies.

I got one phone just for him and then my main phone for family / friends. I don’t like to turn it off when she’s with him because she cries on the Fridays saying she wants to come home early so I keep it on in case plus also if god forbid she had an accident I would like to think he would tell me.

She has said a couple of times before that she wanted to go home early but he told her off, said it’s not happening and sent her upstairs.

I’m trying to save up for a residency order and trying to find out what actually happens as have no clue. Do we both attend court? Is it just done via forms?

Something needs to give because I feel awful for DD. I also just feel like shit from it. My stomach flips when I hear that phone go off. My anxiety is through the roof. I don’t want to stop contact between him and her and would never but I just don’t want to deal with his crap all the time anymore.

Threatening me with SS if he doesn’t get his way. I’ve got nothing to hide. I know I’m a good mum and will do anything for DD he just either thinks I’m constantly out to get him or he enjoys the arguing.

It’s gone on for so long now. And it scares me that I will have to put up with this for many more years to come.

You could call your local police station and report what has been happening to get advice it sounds like harassment to me. You could always contact your local social services yourself to see if you can access some therapeutic support for your dd as this must be a very distressing situation for her and then you will have an independent professional who knows her if you do have to take this to court.

I hate the thought of what it’s doing to my poor DD.

He had a girlfriend about 4 years ago for about 4 months and it was bliss. No messages. Nothing. Then she split up with him and he went back to what he’s good at which is making me feel shit.

He’s almost 40, lives at his parents and the mum is queen of emotional abuse. At one point she said she would cry all over Christmas if we didn’t go and stay over there. So dysfunctional.

I hate what this is doing to DD and to me. I’ve had letters through the door ‘bitch’ ‘whore’ etc from anon. No evidence to charge him with though.

I’m just so exhausted with it. Can I get a restraining order just to stop him messaging me (unless it’s serious etc)

I was about to say, a new relationship would help.

Just bumping this up to the front again in case there's anyone more experienced around today.

I would get help from Police, SS, women's Aid. Anyone for advice. Report him definitely for a restraining order. You will need all the evidence you can get of his abuse.
Personally I would stop my child seeing him if she was so distressed. How dare he upset her like that, I would be absolutely livid if my child was upset. I would block all contact and call the police at any harrassment. Let him take you to court. Maybe then a more formal supervised access can come about.
You can do this...

I agree i dont think he should have contact with DD at all, he is emotionally abusing her to get at you. She is clearly distressed at going and he only wants her to get at you, not to be with his DD. Get all the help you can get from police - womens aid etc. Do you have other family in another part of country, can you get a restraining order and move away? Good luck

Actually supervised access only is a good idea but i bet he wouldnt turn up

Thank you all so much for your advice.

Long night last night. Poor DD woke up at 2.30am crying saying she doesn’t want to see him and she’s scared about today. I will message him and say it’s not happening. I can’t see her like this anymore.

My dad is now up to date on this all. He is fuming as I knew he would be. He’s known what a prick ex has been throughout the years but now it’s bringing DD down as well as me he is not happy at all. My dad has a very calm head which helps and has suggested everything that all of you have said. I just need to get some money together for a non molestation order and a residency order which I can hopefully do by May.

I called SS a minute ago and told them. They weren’t really that helpful and said it doesn’t fall under their remit and I need to go through court. Which I am trying to do when I get the money together. I asked them if there’s anyone that could sit and talk to DD because she’s obviously upset etc and they said I would have to go through my GP which I will book an appointment for.

I’ve reassured DD that she won’t be seeing him and I’ve got it all sorted and under control so she doesn’t need to worry. Just wish I felt the same courage on the inside!!

Thanks all once again. Your support and advice mean a lot.

Ah good to hear your dad is a support to you. You are doing the right thing for your daughter, go to the GP for help as well as proof. After texting him I would block for now as you sound like you need some headspace. At least you have contacted SS first so let the prick do what he wants. Sounds like he wouldn't pursue it anyway the loser.
Well done OP you sound like you're a strong person, the wobbles won't last!! x

Maybe ask at the citizens' advice bureau or women's aid and see if there are any organisations near you that you could ask for advice. I'm not in the country but there must be some kind of support?

frg.org.uk/
rightsofwomen.org.uk/
www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/

Citizens' Advice looks like it could be useful:
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/making-agreements-about-your-children/your-child-arrangements-arent-working/

Thank you @crystalize trying to keep it together. Going to pick up DD from school and going to my dads for dinner in case ex turns up at the house and makes a scene. DD adores her grandad so it will be nice for her.

@ravenmum - those links are really helpful, thank you. Going to contact women’s Aid and look into the CAB link too. Court is my only option now. No point in mediation as he’s an abuser.

X

Hi exhausted

I used to have a very similar experience with my ex but it was a long time ago now and then I could get legal aid.

Re the harassment, can you write him a letter explicitly stating what the contact days and times will be and that you do not want to be contacted at any other time on the number you have given him? That way he will have no reason to contact you and any further contact will be regarded as harassment which you will take action on. You will have the phone on when dd is with him of course (bet he doesn't bother you when she is there)

My ex used to say I was stopping him from contact when in fact I bent over backwards to make it happen, whilst not taking abuse myself. Once he could not get to me he began making dc unhappy and then alienating himself from them. Sounds like this is what is happening to you now; the child as a result does not want to go.

In the end I had to protect my dc which is what you have done now, I wrote through a solicitor that dc did not want to see him and told dc that I was not going to make him, as you have. The relief they felt was palpable. It was calling ex's bluff in a way. He did nothing, and I knew that if he did I had enough evidence to show that I was not obstructive and that he was emotionally abusing dc and threatening me etc.

So sorry you are going through this I really feel for you. My dc used to cry and say he hated him and wished he wasn't his df. So sad.

Have a lovely time at your dads. Maybe he could have a word with your ex if he starts again... also if he does turn up at the house, immediately call the police!

Oh my god. So he turned up at my dads.

Demanding he speak to DD. I told him to go away or I will call the police. He starts accusing me of manipulation and ‘I’m putting words in her mouth’ etc. This was done outside not in front of DD.

DD opened the door and told him she doesn’t want to see him and this is what would make her happy. She told him she’s afraid of his actions and wants to cut out weekday visits. He said “oh but that makes me feel so sad” I then told her to go back in the house, which she did.

I told him firmly that what he just said was emotional blackmail. He said it was a conversation between him and his daughter. I said that was disgusting to say that.

Anyway, told him to go away and he can either stop with his threats of SS or actually act on them as I have nothing to hide. He then smirked and said “you just watch what’s coming your way”

I’m at home now. DD seems ok as didn’t witness what was said. I’m just so angry he can make her feel like this. X

He's a toothless tiger OP. Good thing you are going to seek advice, stay a few steps ahead of him. Look after yourself, hope your dad is looking after you too.

Thank you @ravenmum. My dad is such a great man. He was keeping DD entertained and also keeping an eye out for me whilst the chat was going on.

I’m going through with the non molestation order and I have emailed a manager at social services plus spoke to women’s aid.

Just can’t seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you for your support. It really does mean a lot x

Wow how brave is your DD to speak out the truth to him! He can't really argue with that can he? I used to have similar threats like that too, a response from me like, 'well I look forward to it' with a big sarcastic smile on my face would have him squirrelling away. You will eventually start feeling stronger when you take what he says with a pinch of salt.. call his bluff, agree with what he says... 'yeah whatever'. Mine would threaten suicide, I said I'll help buy him the tablets ;-)
Things can't happen overnight but you have done so much in telling your dad and making those calls... baby steps xx

Thank you @crystalize. My DD is so brave and so amazing. The absolute light of my life.

I tried calling his bluff and the response I got was “just watch what’s coming to you” I said ok that’s fine I have nothing to hide. She is amazing. The one thing I give myself credit for is raising a strong little lady x