I am consumed with jealousy, please help me get some perspective :(

[user57424]

New poster but long time reader :)

I need some tough advice and honest opinions. From age 24 all I have wanted was to settle down and have a family. Ive had a couple of relationships that were long term (lived together), neither worked out as we wanted different things - I wanted to have a home, they wanted to work abroad somewhere new every few months etc.

Ive worked hard and have my own home, my life is nice for a single person. But I after my 34th birthday yesterday, ive been hit with a huge jealousy ive never felt before in my life. I live in a smaller house than my friends, despite earning over double, because they are married/have a partner. Lots of them work part time to look after kids (I am aware this is a massively hard job, but it is nice to be able to do that half the week as well as work). I cant afford luxury holidays and even if I saved then I wouldn't want to stay in a romantic hotel alone. I don't like going out drinking and yet a lot of my married friends will assume that's what I do, while on a Saturday night they are cuddled up with their family. I can't reach a light fitting in my bedroom and cried for 20 minutes about it this morning (tried ladders too). I feel so alone.

My friends celebrate anniversarys, kids birthdays, date nights, cosy family Christmas, birthdays. I suddenly feel so jealous. I have single friends but they don't all live on my doorstep and are busy dating. Everyone is in some sort of relationship.

I have hobbies and I date. I hope one day I find someone but it has been 2 years now since my last relationship ended and I find dating so exhausting.

I've read threads on here where people say parenting isn't all fun and games and you are sleep deprived and so on. Without being disrespectful, I do understand that (maybe not in the same way as I would if I actually did it), but I think those who had children younger don't always realise how soul destroying it is not to have that. I would love more than anything to be awake until 5am looking after my kids, dealing with poo explosions and being part of a family life.

Ive never felt jealous before and I suddenly cant shake this. I just want to hide and give up. I have done ALL the single things, travelled, nights out, enjoyed alone time. I am sick of it. I hate it. I don't want free time, I want a busy family life and to build a home with someone. has anyone else been here and got past it?

realise the comment about the light bulb sounds quite silly. it is all the small things though too!

No real advice other than the old saying comparison is the thief of joy. If it's any consolation I've never been in a proper relationship either I've only ever been treated like shit by the handful of wankers I've had feelings for in my 34 years. Nearly all my friends are in relationships or married but I think with a lot of them it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Some people are really happy together but think of how many people are stuck together because of kids or finances. (When you meet someone please PLEASE always keep your house in your name only!)

OP if I were you and could do it all again and at your age I was in the same boat. I'm 44 now with a 4 year old DS and a single Mum. I'd go down the sperm donor route. Have you considered this? Being a Mum is the best thing in the world and in my mind, in some (Not all) ways easier without a man. Take a look at Viking donor sperm on line....

The light bulb comment resonates with me so much! It’s not silly!
I’m a single mum but I genuinely do know how lucky I am. I truly am grateful for her every day and love all the “extra work” that comes with having her!
I have lost my shit (not in her presence!) when putting a bed together and ended up a weeping mess on the floor
It’s so frustrating when you physically can’t do things for yourself, especially relatively simple things you know your friends and neighbors get their DHs to do.

In your position I would start looking at going it alone but I realize that’s not for everyone.

Being a Mum is the best thing in the world and in my mind, in some (Not all) ways easier without a man.

I also totally agree with this

When you meet someone please PLEASE always keep your house in your name only!

And this!

Thank you so much for the kind replies! it is nice to know I am not alone with the tears over things like a lightbulb! when I first moved in I moved a huge cabinet upstairs on my own and I got to the top and just sobbed and wanted to move out...I feel sad that it is 2 years later and I am still here with nothing changed!

I would maybe consider doing it alone but it isn't what I want to do. am I too old to try for it with someone? should I be thinking about other optins now? I feel so low today

doesn't help that the last man I went on a date with was very keen to meet up and on the third date said he was glad I wasn't one of those women who clearly just wanted a baby now I am over 30. hate it.

The thing is you never know what is happening for other people. Family life doesn't just consist of happy snugly movie nights and celebrations - it also consists of separations, illness, children with disabilities, job losses, bullying etc etc etc.

And if you really want a family you can do it alone. It will be tough but if it's what you really want go for it. There are lots of children looking for someone to call family.

Hi OP, this resonates so much with me. I hear you and understand your thinking as I’m the same. Slightly different situation though; I’m divorced after a 10 year relationship so had this first taste of it all, we were ttc too when it all fell apart.

I’m dreading the summer months as I live in what feels like family holiday central. When a friend told about her toddler and how stressful it all is, i caught myself thinking ‘at least you have a child’. I know it’s not that easy and I recognise how hard work it is to raise children but still.

I don’t date at the moment and try to fill my life with worthwhile stuff, but that’s not cutting it when you crave something different.

I wish I had a solution but all I can do is empathise

And I agree with above posters who say parenting is often easier (sometimes) alone.

Do you have an extra bedroom? If so have you considered renting the room out? Obviously that doesn't give you a readymade family but it might make you feel less lonely, and will definitely give you some extra money (and when you vet potential housemates you could specify a minimum height)

Apologise if the last comment sounded flippant, I really do sympathise!

Sorry to hear that, I have worked with three people in the past couple of years who have been single then late thirties met someone and reasonably quickly married and have had 3, 2 and 2 kids respectively. I hope you find what you’re looking for. I had my first child two years ago. For my part I think sperm donation is a flawed solution especially for you as you emphasise that you want a family and to build a home together with someone. Being a parent is great but pretty knackering and you could find yourself looking around feeling left out with a child - I hope not but your emphasis is on these families spending time alone together which is why I say this. But also because it needs to be considered from the point of view of the child as well as a desire to have a child and and whether you can cope. I am very conscious of my husband being very engaged and interested in our child and how she trusts him and enjoys being with him. In turn my Dad has been so important in my life. I do think about what would happen if something happened to me or us. I like that my husband and I have different ways of being with her and that we have different responses to situations, I can see that he would be better placed in future to discuss certain problems than me and vice versa. As well as being someone to support me and to share workload and to be similarly impressed and adoring of every little thing she does. I think motherhood is fertile ground (no pun intended) for guilt as in I brought him or her into world for me but was it a good idea for them etc. Yes relationships break down etc but that’s different from knowing from before conception there will be no input from the father and only one parent. It’s a lot to consider and think through and not a simple solution obviously.

Don't lose hope - lots of those people in 'perfect relationships' are unhappy/compromised or just struggling.
They also say the older you are when you 'settle down' the more likely it is to last. Keep positive and you'll get there, I promise.

I totally get you on the lightbulb thing!!

I also get you on wanting kids and thinking "at least you have one". It made me feel nasty and mean but after getting my diagnosis of "unexplained infertility" (aka "we don't know why you aren't pregnant but also we dont care. hth!") I felt very resentful and bitter towards anyone who had DC, especially if they didnt measure up to my standards.

I just feel so low. So left behind. So lonely.

And no matter what I do, what hobbies I take up, plans with friends, trips...nothing will fill the hole of a family. they are all just temporary distractions.

If you want to meet someone can you explore ways to make that happen? I met my dh on e harmony?

ive been dating for the last 18 months. I never feel a spark and the one time I did, he was in two minds about children so I ended it after 3 months. it feels like it wont happen.

Your only 34! There's still time to meet the right person and have a family etc! Just continue to date and put yourself out there, and when the times right he'll come along. I've learnt recently that the world is a different place now. People are having children well into their 40's! If your looking for it and you want it, you will have it.....eventually xx

I think you need to access some mental health support.

I think your feelings are very understandable. I felt sad reading your post. But you are still young, very young from my perspective. Just because it hasn't happened yet didn't mean it won't happen.

I'm 34.. locked in a never-ending immigration battle (thanks, UK, for your treatment of Commonwealth spouses!), forced to live apart from DH, kid with special needs, almost down to our last grand because we have spent so much trying to keep the family together. No assets anymore really...

But on Facebook I post pics of my daughter dressed up all cute :)

Stop comparing yourself with others. You have no idea what other ppl are going through.