My family never turning up on time

[Justamy90]

Yesterday was my youngest dds baptism. We decided to have a smallish celebration with just our immediate family.
I booked dinner in a restaurant and also reserved an area in a bar and pre-paid for a round of drinks for everyone. The bar and restaurant were in another town 15 mins away from the church and it was an area both my family and dhs family would be familiar with. I had text the plans to everyone when I was confirming numbers. Dinner was booked for 4. Everyone of dhs family got to the bar for 2pm but my family (all of them) were no where to be seen. My brother was following my parents in the car. I rang my parents and sent two texts and got no answer. I got through to my brother and I was told they were in another bar (same name) but in a neighboring town 10 minutes away. I laughed about it and thought sure they won't be long but they didn't turn up for another hour and a half at which point it was time to head up to the restaurant. I even re-read my texts to check I'd sent them the correct name and location which I had. There was no apology and my husband even made a joke asking them if they'd got lost which wasn't even met with a response.
If this was a once off I wouldn't be upset and would have assumed something had happened but on my other daughters baptism I had invited everyone for tea and sandwiches before the church as it was a later ceremony and my parents arrived over 5 minutes before we had to leave for the church.
My sons birthday party last year started at 2pm my parents arrived over at 4:30 when the party ended at 5:00pm then stayed until 8.
When me and DH got married they initially said me and him should just go off and get married just the two of us and they'd mind ds who was only 2 at the time. When I said no we were having a wedding my mum and dad were like we'll probably leave around 11 so all this 3 days after we had got engaged. What would you do? Yesterday I was sitting there at dds baptism feeling really upset about the whole thing.

You need to say something. I can't abide persistent lateness.

You can not change them.

Certain people in my family do this
I just carry on. If they’re not there then tough. I don’t wait for them
It’s so rude tho

Did they do this before you met your DH?

Give them an earlier time, I don't think they r going to change do this might work.

Afraid they are letting you know how far down their priorities you are. Or it is a protest against your desire for exact timings which they are rebelling against. Either way let them know how it makes you feel and then carry on regardless.

Put their start time as earlier than it actually is , ie tell them 12 if it is really 2 .
I do this with my son ( who always manages to be 40 mins late ) he never guesses , we meet for tea and I’m happy as I’m not sitting on my own

@LemonTT they'd be always late for stuff. Before I met DH I wouldn't have been hosting anything so my parents been late didn't have a massive impact on my life so much, as were now I have 3 dc of my own and I regularly have birthday parties or events in my house their lateness affects me more as they stay late into the evening when everyone else is gone home and I'm trying to get dc settled or I'm building up resentment at them for being late that it's affecting my mood and upsetting me when I should be having fun.

My DM is always late. By hours. If she says she’ll be there at 2, you are looking at 6 or 7.

We went on holiday recently and there were set times to eat. We just went without her and she often found she had no dinner because she couldn’t get there on time. If she says she’s coming over, I don’t even believe it, I just go about my business as if she wasn’t. If I am not here when she finally arrives hours later, tough, I’m not waiting in all day. If she misses a flight, oh well, we’ll have a nice holiday without you. I don’t even tell the kids she’s coming because most likely they’ll be asleep by the time she comes.

You can’t change their behaviour, but you can change your response to it. We just don’t count on DM to do anything she says, whatever she says is meaningless to us.

I have a friend who is always late. Was combated by telling her that we should meet and hour earlier than I was actually planning. Then we both got there at the same time. However her latest didn't upset me, just a bit frustrating sometimes. This is a different situation but I wonder if you can sometimes apply the same principle on occasion. I do think you need to talk to them though.

My sons birthday party last year started at 2pm my parents arrived over at 4:30 when the party ended at 5:00pm then stayed until 8.

Just noticed this ... nope ... I wouldn’t have let them stay TIL 8 , made them
Leave at 5 . There are no consequences to their behaviour if you let them stay
If they get made to leave at 5 any moans of ‘but we haven’t seen him ‘ could be answered with well you should have arrived on time ( like everyone else did )

I would absolutely hate this.

My sons birthday party last year started at 2pm my parents arrived over at 4:30 when the party ended at 5:00pm then stayed until 8.

“Party is finished now Fam, we have to go out which is why we said till 5. Shame you could only stay for 20 mins, DS was sad to have missed you, I did say it started at 2. Bye now”

urgh
my mother is allways late. with her it's passive agressive and attention seeking. she is generally very selfish.
as pp we plan anything without her. make sure we never travel together so she can't delay us.

It is such rude behaviour OP.I can see how they ruin things for you,,you getting all worked up then having to try to chill when they arrive but then you are passed yourself and too worked up to enjoy your special times...I don;t have a solution I am sorry...

There's no consequences for them when they are late at the moment so I'd do as pps have suggested- just carry on with whatever the event is and make no allowances for them. So eat at the time you'd planned, if they turn up late they go hungry. End the party at 5 as planned and ask them to leave as that's the end of the party.

Sympathies, my in laws are like this and it drives me mad.

My (otherwise lovely) in-laws are like this. We give them an earlier time, leave without them, etc.

It's at a bit of a head at the moment because they've (offered, not us asking!) made commitments to do things with DD that are better if the same adult goes consistently and are now regularly flaking. DH is now taking a 'they can call us' stance.

Don't play games. Don't lie about times. They either turn up or they don't.

But if they're late don't accommodate. Once the party or whatever is over then everyone leaves. Including them. If they've only been there for half-an-hour then their loss.

And if anything is ever said, explain exactly why. Their time isn't more important than yours.

What Nanny0gg said.

Thank you for all your posts. I do find it hard to address their behavior because what usually happens is they arrive with a tonne of gifts for dc often a couple of hundred pounds worth of toys and clothes which makes it awkward as I would come across as ungrateful also as I said to DH yesterday if I'd had called them out on their behavior yesterday I would have made the rest of the family uncomfortable and ruined the day.

Their spending that money is their choice. As is their timekeeping.

As long as they leave when everyone else does, then they can turn up when they like.

And at your house, just say that it's the children's bedtimes and you have things to get ready for the next day. 'Lovely to see you all. Off you go, safe journey.' Job done

You have got to start setting boundaries OP. Right now you're giving them the message that they can turn up whenever they feel like and buy their way out of it.

Do you really need the toys that badly? Are you immediately reselling them on ebay/FB?