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Relationships

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Original poster

Help! DH won’t wash himself

18 replies

GurlwiththeCurl · 10/03/2019 09:39

I am completely desperate about this. DH and I are both in our 60s and disabled and very ill. He is slightly better than me and does most things around the house. He has been a fantastic husband for over 30 years.

We have had so many difficulties to get through during our marriage, but we have always pulled together as a team. Our relationship is not perfect, we have had our rows, but we love each other and are strong.

DH used to be very smart and almost obsessive about being clean and tidy. Now, however, he is very down about himself, almost certainly has depression and has let himself go downhill badly. He has grown his hair and beard very long and refuses to wash himself at all. His disabilities mean that having a bath is very painful, but he will not shower or even strip wash.

I have tried everything. I have cajoled, been nice and also lost my temper on occasions. I have offered to help him wash, buy disability aids, anything to help, but he refuses.

He is so stubborn and will not do anything. He will not change his clothes and the chair he sits in is filthy with his body fluids. Simply, he stinks to high heaven! It has all come to a head this morning as I finally lost it and shouted at him. He has now stormed out of the house threatening divorce if I don’t shut up. I love him so much, but am at my wits end!

Now for the moment of truth - he hasn’t washed or changed his clothes for four months! What can I do? Any ideas?

OP posts:

Honeybee79 · 10/03/2019 09:44

Get him to his Gp as that sounds horrendous op. What support do you have? Does anyone come in to help?

Al2O3 · 10/03/2019 09:47

Can you convert the bathroom or another room into a wet room?

WhenZogateSuperworm · 10/03/2019 09:47

What does he do about toileting? Is he using the toilet and then pulling the same pair of pants and trousers up for 4 months? Does he not put pj’s on for bed? Has he not been out of the house in months?

I would speak to your GP as he clearly has some issues if he won’t keep himself odour free, even for your benefit.

ABC1234DEF · 10/03/2019 09:47

It sounds like a combination of depression, being too proud to accept help/admit how bad things are, and denial at how bad things have got.

He needs to see a GP to discuss his low mood.
Could you arrange for a private male carer to come and help him get washed, changed and shaved? From there a trip to, or a home visit from a barber to get himself tidied up?

It sounds as though he's in denial about his physical condition(s) and unwilling for whatever reason to admit he cannot manage both physically and mentally, hence the bury the head in the sand approach. Unfortunately that won't help anyone though. He's lucky to have you by his side but he definitely needs help and it sounds like it's gone beyond what you can do yourself.

TemporaryPermanent · 10/03/2019 09:50

I agree he sounds acutely ill - that level of self neglect does suggest depression. I would make an appointment at his GP - an urgent one - and go with him. if he won't go, go yourself, and ask the GP to visit or at least contact him.

TemporaryPermanent · 10/03/2019 09:51

Have you had any assessment of your support needs from social services? Is a cleaner a possibility?

Walkmehome · 10/03/2019 09:52

What does he have to say about it?

Original poster

GurlwiththeCurl · 10/03/2019 09:54

Thank you for your replies. I feel so helpless as he is such a stubborn and strong minded person. It is impossible to persuade him to do something when he doesn’t want to. That has been the source of issues throughout our marriage!

Yes, he hasn’t changed any clothes for four months, even his pants. He does go out of the house as he goes to the shops every day. Goodness knows what other people think of him (well, I can guess). Our son works in a local supermarket and is mortified with embarrassment when his DF comes in.

We have no support at all. Family live away and hardly ever get in contact. We have no friends locally and have to rely on each other.

He has just come home again - I am keeping out of his way for now.

OP posts:

sugarcubed · 10/03/2019 09:55

Is there anyone else you can talk to who he may listen to or is able to gently broach the subject with him? Although it would be a a good ideas for him to see his GP, Telling him to go to the GP may be too large a step at this point.

LadyB49 · 10/03/2019 09:56

Ask for a gp home visit and don't forewarn your husband. His gp will then see the true situation. Ask Dr to provide a social worker.
Do you have any family who can support you in this.
Is his depression being treated?
Perhaps a short spell as an inpatient for depression could get him cleaned up and aware of his behaviour and its effects on your wellbeing.

Sounds like his chair needs dumped.and a chair without upholstery provided.

I'm so sorry for your situation.

Original poster

GurlwiththeCurl · 10/03/2019 09:59

I would be too embarrassed to let a cleaner into the house! We do manage to keep reasonably tidy and DS helps us clean. I am the one who cannot help with cleaning very much as I have a severe respiratory condition. I can do tidying and the washing, though.

I just can’t get him to wash!

I have suggested the gp to him, but he refuses. He does have hospital appointments for some of his health issues, but won’t go to the gp about depression. He was on antidepressants and had counselling a few years ago, which were very helpful, but he refuses them now.

OP posts:

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 10/03/2019 10:03

I'm sorry to hear this. Has he been assessed for early onset dementia/Alzheimer's? My uncle has this and his behaviour can be strange. My MIL also had this and didn't want to wash either.

TrainSong · 10/03/2019 10:06

OP, I think you can telephone the GP on his behalf. explain how severe the illness is, and that he feels it's a stigma so won;t get help, and that he has stopped washing. It's a horrible side effect of depression but very very common. Lots of people battle with it, but it can be overcome.

Fromage · 10/03/2019 10:33

One of my concerns is the effect his lack of hygiene will have on your health. If you have respiratory problems I don't think being in proximity to a walking biohazard is going to do you any favours.

Can you see your GP about this? Maybe a health professional coming in and telling dh it's about him taking care of you, will give him a face-saving "get out" if he can reframe his thinking and start proactively doing things to help your physical wellbeing (because he doesn't seem too bothered about your mental wellbeing.)

category12 · 10/03/2019 10:40

Maybe it's time to get support services involved if you're no longer coping on your own as a couple.

Holidayshopping · 10/03/2019 10:43

4 months!

Musti · 10/03/2019 11:11

If he can walk to the shops, he can wash himself surely? This sounds more like a mh issue than a physical one.

Dowser · 10/03/2019 11:45

I suspected dementia too
He needs to see the go

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