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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is there a name for this emotional abuse tactic?

9 replies

Nursejackie1 · 10/03/2019 08:31

I had a moment of realisation yesterday when my ex and father of my kids started acting disgusted and as if I was asking for the world when I asked him to do something completly reasonable for the kids. I then realised that its a tactic he's used on me for years....eg when we split up i wanted to know what days he wanted to see the kids ...his response..."oh so u got your child maintenence and now you want set days for me to see the kids, I knew you were that type of bitter woman...i suppose you will be telling me i can't see them next etc etc. Its like every reasonable normal thing I have ever asked for I've been made to feel like a complete vile person for even suggesting it. I am asking because after all these years and though we have been seperated for a couple of years I am still trying to understand what the hell happened. I am sure it was emotional abuse and this was just a part of it but not alot of it was the typical stuff I read on the internet.

OP posts:
boredboredboredboredbored · 10/03/2019 08:35

Not sure if there is a name for it but my exh does similar.

So far I've been called bitter, greedy, full of resentment and asked why I can't just be happy and get on with my own life. This is usually after asking him about something. I am non of those things btw but he HATES that I went through the CMS for maintenance.

I now think he is just a twat. My dc are teenagers so I no longer communicate very much with him and I have a rule that if he gets personal I completely ignore him. This is the best tactic as it winds him up no end.

tablelegs · 10/03/2019 08:39

It's called being a bawbag.

Plod on op, you're doing great.

pissedonatrain · 10/03/2019 08:40

It reminds of of someone saying you're not the boss of me.
He is projecting his resentment of the child main etc. being enforced. He's lost control of being able to screw you around like that.

Moanymoaner123 · 10/03/2019 08:42

I've just instigated splitting with my emotionally abusive DP, I have been totally reasonable with regards to setting out contact with DD and he turns it around to me 'freezing him out' I'm a cold heartless bitch ripping the family apart. It's a form of gaslighting imo, setting up the scenario in the way they want to see it so they can play the victim.

Nursejackie1 · 10/03/2019 08:46

Thanks. Yes the latest comments are definatley rooted in the fact that I was left with no option to go to cms because of his behaviour. Must be a control thing. I need to get to your point of being able to ignore boredbored but its so frustrating and due to him manipulating the situation at the moment i have no choice but to see him alot.

OP posts:
TinDogTavern · 10/03/2019 08:48

The Nepalese have an expression for this.

It's whatever's Nepalese for "being a twat".

Nursejackie1 · 10/03/2019 08:50

The way you put it moany makes sense..he never fit the usual descriptions of a gas lighter but also managed to make me feel like I'm losing it. Glad you have got out of your situation. I'm 2 years in and he still manages to mess with my head. I wish I'd had a better plan from the beginning. Stick to your guns and good luck.

OP posts:
frenchonion · 10/03/2019 08:54

TinDogTavern 😂

Bearsinmotion · 10/03/2019 08:58

I see this too with ex-DP. It’s very much a control thing. Had an argument one weekend and spoke to DSis afterwards. Come back in and get told how it’s not right to speak to family about relationships, we should solve it together, I am being disloyal. Yet when he talks to his sister...

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