Dating with cancer - help!!

[HyggeHeart]

my lovely friend has stage 4 breast cancer. She is doing amazingly well but is currently single. She has lots of friends and a wonderful family for support but would really like to meet someone special. She's a very beautiful, warm lady who is fun to be with but is worried that her diagnosis may be a hurdle to dating. Pubs and late nights aren't really an option and OLD seems to be focused on looks and how a person looks on paper.

So how do you meet people when you have cancer? Any advice or positive stories of how you met your partner if you have a chronic illness would be gratefully received!
Thank you 😊

what's her prognosis op? With the best will in the world, stage 4 diagnosis is going to be a really tough thing to deal with emotionally and physically. Is she really up for romance and the trials and tribulations of dating (and filtering out the knobheads) at the same time as treatment for cancer? Not saying she shouldn't, of course, but having dabbled in OLD it really can be draining.

It's fab that she has your support in this. If she is up for it I'd be upfront. Put up an older pic - one where she is looking incredible. More as a 'this is what I'm going through now but this is what I am usually like'.

Bloody good luck to her!

I'm in the same boat, and I can't imagine being interested in dating at all- spending time with existing friends, yes, travelling if possible, yes. But she's not me, obviously. If she's just looking for some fun, I'd probably advise not even mentioning it, to be honest.

Stage 4 is pretty serious, it's a huge undertaking for someone to accept that and willingly get involved with someone they may rather quickly have to support and ultimately lose. And if she is stage 4, that will happen.

She deserves to be happy regardless of prognosis but at her stage I'd be wary of getting too involved with a new person and instead focus on existing relationships.

I'm sorry for you both and I hope she finds happiness in whatever form she can ⚘

Has she said she would like to meet someone op?

If I had stage 4 cancer then I would concentrate my efforts on recovering, if possible.

I don't mean to be unkind but I wouldn't want to date someone only for them to develop feelings for me, and then they have to go through the hell of my treatment and/or my death.

I also wouldn't want to date someone with serious health issues. Selfish but honest of me. It would be a totally different thing if my DH developed cancer or another serious health issue and I would obviously still love and care for him. But to choose someone in that situation? No, I wouldn't.

The thing is, CoolJule, there's no recovery from Stage 4. There's no Stage 5- you're fucked, basically. Which means I completely agree with your thoughts.

I think that a Stage 4 cancer diagnosis is not going to attract people with the right motives.

The thing is, CoolJule, there's no recovery from Stage 4. There's no Stage 5- you're fucked, basically.

Depends on the type of cancer - staging refers to where it has spread to, not specifically the prognosis as that is in conjunction with other info such as grade and tumour markers. For breast cancer, any metastatic cancer is incurable however.

I'm 8 years out of treatment for advanced cancer - I didnt die. Even now dating is incredibly hard and its difficult to know when to tell someone what has happened in my life.

Posters saying "concentrate" on getting better etc- can you imagine the feeling of not knowing if anyone will ever love you again? To know you might die without ever falling in love? Your life becomes a new normal, you have to have more than just surviving for as long as you can. What's the point in surviving if youre not living?

OP- it's going to be tough for her, but she needs to know what shes looking for and also have in her head how much of herself she wants to give away on a first date.

I know, YouCan- I'm living with metastases from breast cancer. I still cant imagine dating strangers.

Hi, thank you for taking the time to answer and for all your responses and I really value your honesty.

In answer to some of your questions, her cancer is untreatable as it's spread. After a few years of treatment the options are becoming limited of what else they can do for her. As treatment is reduced she is actually feeling much better. This is what makes it so hard. She isn't ready to stop living.

@Youcangoyourownwoo you phrase it perfectly, she isn't ready for the relationships she's had to be those that make up her life, she would like another shot.

She really would like to meet someone and have a companion/fall in love and we have repeated conversations about whether it is possible.

I agree with you that asking someone to accept and go through losing her is actually a huge ask, which is why we don't think conventional dating will work (or is fair or kind).

Is there such a thing as a dating forum for people with life limiting illnesses? I have thought about maybe attending cancer groups, then at least the other person would understand what she is going through.

Has anyone in a similar situation found a partner/companion?

Thank you

Is this really for a friend, or are you asking for help?

Honestly, I would really encourage anybody in this situation to take advantage of the counselling available.

yes for a friend!

???

Rather than dating as such, maybe the best way is to look at ways of increasing her opportunities to meet new people and see what naturally arises?

Eg having a look on meetup.com to see if there are any suitable local groups that pique her interest.

Her desire to find a new relationship is understandable but probably not very realistic. And of course her current state of feeling well may, sadly, not last that long.

Like other posters, I think she is probably best off maximising her social opportunities rather than focusing on dating strangers, which at the best of times is hard work with unreliable outcomes.

A lot of support groups are mainly frequented by women, especially given its breast cancer which makes it tricky. Is there a Maggie's near her?

I wouldn't write off some gentle online dating (ie not tinder), not necessary because she'll meet the love of her life but because she might just enjoy dating and meeting new people who see her as her, not an illness iyswim.

Some people live a long time with incurable cancer. Meetup is a really good call.

Everyone is different but she needs to know what she is willing to tell people.

Sorry @bitoffun

I understand your friend's pain in wanting somebody to fall in love with but unless the other person is terminally ill or similar as well it really does seem cruel to begin a serious relationship knowing that you will soon die and leave them to grieve you.