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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner’s secret loan

24 replies

TeaPleaseMilk1Sugar · 09/03/2019 23:59

I am really scared right now and need some advice.

What would you do if your partner had borrowed a considerable amount of money behind your back?

I found a letter today of his loan application being accepted. I confronted him and he told me he just didn’t think to tell me.

I’ve told him it’s over and I have moved in with my parents temporarily. We have a 5 month old daughter together, I am on maternity leave.

How am I going to afford a roof over my daughter’s head? Partner is the main breadwinner, earning 3x my salary.

Would this be a deal breaker for you or can I make this relationship work for the sake of my daughter?

OP posts:

cranstonmanor · 10/03/2019 00:07

Probably. What was it for? How biggish (approximately) was this amount?

Userplusnumbers · 10/03/2019 00:09

Well I think it depends what the money is for, whether or not you have shared finances, and how stretched you will be after repayments.

Do you actually have an accurate view of both your finances? Is it to pay off gambling debts, or is it for something like a home improvement?

Why have you moved out? Is there something deeper seated money issues related to this?

I think more context is required at the moment OP. If you haven't got shred finances, he wasn't under any obligation to tell you, but should have - if you do have shared finances then it's a bigger issue.

Original poster

TeaPleaseMilk1Sugar · 10/03/2019 00:10

Tens of thousands was the amount

OP posts:

curiousierandcouriser · 10/03/2019 00:15

For me, it would depend on whether my DP simply forgot to tell me or was actively hiding it from me. We generally are pretty open about most things financially, but we also have our own things that we purchase and finance.

How long ago was the application? Is it possible that he forgot to tell you? How open are you two generally with finances? How big was the loan and what was it for?

A loan sounds like it is for something more substantial though (i.e. business or big purchase) which I would expect to be told/consulted about.

Original poster

TeaPleaseMilk1Sugar · 10/03/2019 00:17

We have a joint account for living expenses, we each pay half each. What ever is left over in our wage packet we keep in our own personal account.

It was to pay towards something he inherited to increase the value which I guess as a family we would benefit from. He can afford the repayments as he is left with a lot of money in his personal account.

It’s just made me feel really unimportant that he wouldn’t consult me on this. It makes ne feel uneasy to stay with him as how do I know he won’t be taking out loans in the future and having secret debt?

OP posts:

poglets · 10/03/2019 00:19

What was the loan for? Stop this now and talk to him. . Go home and stay on your house..

notapizzaeater · 10/03/2019 00:21

What was it for ? Something huge fir the house ? Car ?

Whatsnewpussyhat · 10/03/2019 00:27

So he isn't gambling or anything sinister.

The biggest thing that stands out here is the fact that you pay 50% of living expenses even though he earns 3x your salary, worse now you are on maternity leave, so that he has much more than you to each month.
Why does he think this is fair??

Go home and speak to him. Tell him finances need to be more transparent and that he needs to start paying a higher % of the monthly bills.

Original poster

TeaPleaseMilk1Sugar · 10/03/2019 00:34

I just don’t feel comfortable being in a relationship with someone who isn’t transparent about their finances. I don’t know how much he has left in his personal account every month after we pay living costs.

He wants more kids but I am uneasy about this loan secrecy. I don’t want to be down the line, married with 3 DC to have the rug pulled from under me about some secret debt I didn’t know we had.

I do however love this man very much but I know he has a habit of hiding things he thinks will stress me out.

OP posts:

Whatsnewpussyhat · 10/03/2019 00:41

Which is why if you do continue with the relationship you need to be honest and open and that he is not being fair with money, keeping your earnings lower whilst he has plenty etc.
Who will be paying for childcare?

Original poster

TeaPleaseMilk1Sugar · 10/03/2019 00:41

WhatsNew- When we got together he was training & we were on a similar wage and agreed to go half. Over the years his wage has increased massively, he has never offered to pay more than me. However, times we have run out of money in the joint account before payday he has always topped it up with his money.

I mentioned our wage disparity and he was rather sheepish. I’ve let this go because to be honest I never quite spend the money I have left for myself. Now I realise that for us to work this needs to be a change made.

He fully accepts that he would be totally financially supporting us for my final months of maternity leave that goes unpaid.

OP posts:

Original poster

TeaPleaseMilk1Sugar · 10/03/2019 00:43

Childcare will be a joint expense

OP posts:

Whatsnewpussyhat · 10/03/2019 00:45

I mentioned our wage disparity and he was rather sheepish

Which suggests he knows damn well he has been taking the financial piss for a long time to you detriment. If you left he would be fine whilst you struggle.

SapphireFire · 10/03/2019 00:50

Oh my goodness. You are over reacting dramatically! Tell him calmly that you don't like being excluded and let it go. You are honestly creating scenarios that may never happen.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 10/03/2019 00:51

So 50/50 on childcare leaving you even worse off.

Your bills should be being split by % of income so that you are left with equal amounts after everything is paid.
If he doesn't think that is fair then it will tell you all you need to know.

Imagine having 3 kids with him and you still paying 50/50. You'd be screwed.

Original poster

TeaPleaseMilk1Sugar · 10/03/2019 01:05

Thank you WhatsNew, I feel so trapped right now. I need to ensure that there is more financial equality between us.

OP posts:

MissLadyM · 10/03/2019 01:15

I would be annoyed & not trust him. But I think that there's a huge backstory here. You clearly have reason not to trust him. Talk to him about it and if he shrinks away. You know what to do

curiousierandcouriser · 10/03/2019 01:20

YANBU to be upset about your partner taking on tens of thousands in debt without consultation.

However, we would need more information about what the loan was for and if he legitimately forgot to tell you or was he hiding before.

Bookworm4 · 10/03/2019 01:56

He earns triple what you do yet contributes the same as you, how does he need a loan; he must have a good stash. Why not have a joint account and everything is paid and leftover is for both of you.

Smidgen15 · 10/03/2019 12:47

I have been in your situation, very recently (within the last month)
My Husband hid 4 credit cards.
I had a massive part to play as although i didnt know about the credit cards, i knew about other debt we had (loan for our wedding). I was conveniently oblivious to how we were affording the lifestyle we were having.
Im glad i found out. I will admit, its changed our relationship and we are still recovering from the deceit as i no longer trust him. I have full charge over his accounts, ive budgeted and we now have money in the bank as savings.

For me, it wasnt a deal breaker. I dont want my son coming from a broken home and the situation wasnt dire enough for me to want to end our relationship and split our family up. But it was dire enough to make us realise that we needed to change. So we have learnt from it

saccade · 10/03/2019 12:51

Are you married?

What are his views on marriage (I think I can guess)

His inheritance remains just that if you split - his; so he probably does not think of it as ultimately benefitting this family (the one he currently has with you), and therefore no need to consult you. His actions, as you suspect, belie his opinions of you and your future.

OldWomanSaysThis · 10/03/2019 14:34

He probably doesn't want to co-mingle any money related to his inheritance since that is all his. Once he co-mingles than you gain a right to that inheritance property.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 10/03/2019 15:34

Please tell me your home is in both your names.

PiebaldHamster · 10/03/2019 16:04

I mentioned our wage disparity and he was rather sheepish

He knows damn fucking well that he's mugging you off. What's his is his, and what's yours is his, too. 50/50 is for flatmates. He's hiding finances from you. He doesn't want to mingle finances to protect himself. And he wants more kids? You're not married. STOP sleepwalking into an even shittier financial situation than you already are. Bin him off. He will never change and become a sharer who thinks he's in an equal partnership.

He will need to pay maintenance for his child.

What a cunt.

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