Is this gaslighting?

[BringingDownTheHouse]

This is part of a massive backstory about my partner lying to me about something massive. Since then I feel like I'm hypersensitive to any lie, and even small things like telling his friend he's running 10 minutes late when I know he's running 30 really set me off. So, that's the context.

It's a long standing "joke"/debate between us that we disagree on colours. He definitely always takes a stance that he's right and my colour sight is off. I've even said to people in the past "I think I must be colour blind as P and I never see colours the same". He can be a bit smarmy about it, with an example conversation going like:

Me: have you seen DS purple jumper?
Him: what purple jumper?
Me: the one with stars on it.
Him: Oh you mean the blue jumper.

Maybe with some quip about how badly I identify colours.

Anyway, at inlaws house today his sister and her partner were disagreeing over a colour and I said about how P and I disagree on every colour, and his mum said "oh but he's colour blind. Extremely. He was diagnosed as a teenager. Didn't he ever tell you?"

When I called him out on it he insisted that he did tell me and quoted examples from the conversation like "remember, I told you how the doctor said blah blah blah".

I have no memory of this conversation and I feel like it's something I'd remember. I've always had a very good memory. At first I insisted that the conversation never happened but as we were in company it just got dropped and now I'm doubting my memory. This isn't the first time I've suspected him of this but I always thought maybe he just had a really bad memory. He lies a lot about stuff he thinks people will judge him for, like if he breaks something he'll say he found it like that, or that his phone is out of battery when really it's out of credit. Just weird exhausting constant micro lies, which he just shrugs away when I challenge him and it's hard to push the conversation because they're such minor things that I end up looking petty and over reacting. The big lie he did confess of his own volition but only when he'd really run out of road in ways to hide it, and he also told me about made up conversations as part of carrying that on.

I don't know if I'm just hyper sensitive in the wake of that lie or if there's something bigger going on.

Being gaslit is horrid and very cruel and abusive!!!

And yet there was a thread about punishing an errant MIL, by trying to subtly convince her she had dementia. Leaving leaflets around, claiming she had forgotten things. Lots of MNers thought it was a hoot and were full of suggestions how to gas light her. I forwarded the link to the Alzheimer's Society.
Some posters can be hypocritical when it comes to gas lighting. Wrong if it happens to them. Funny if it concerns an older person.

But how do you know if you're being gaslit or if you just have a bad memory? We have two young children, I'm tired and distracted a lot, it's possible he told me about it and I forgot. I mean, it would only have been a light conversation. But if he knows he's colourblind why make a big deal out of being right about a colour? Why not just say "oh the purple jumper with stars. I see that as blue. It's on the stairs". Why try and make me think that I'm the one who's colour blind? There aren't any other other signs really - no arguments or walking on egg shells etc. He has a tendency to agree to stuff he doesn't really want to do, then try and sabotage and obstruct it happening rather than just say he doesn't want to. It's like pushing water up hill a lot of the time. There's no bad atmosphere or fighting in our home, but I can't say i'm happy right now.

If he has form for telling lots of little lies regularly, then why question if this is lie? Presumably you’ve been together a while, you’d know if he were colourblind... he didn’t tell you, running around after kids or not, you’d remember that. So to answer your question, yes it seems he is gaslighting you. Don’t doubt yourself and don’t put up with it.

I think it is gaslighting. He knew he was colorblind yet he is trying to make out its you!

But if he knows he's colourblind why make a big deal out of being right about a colour? Why not just say "oh the purple jumper with stars. I see that as blue. It's on the stairs". Why try and make me think that I'm the one who's colour blind?

Yep he's being dodgy. You have pinpointed the exact reason you can be sure he is being deliberately (or compulsively) misleading.

Don't talk yourself back out of this knowledge and don't let him do it either. Do NOT debate it with him. I'm guessing he wriggles off hooks easily all the time?

Yes he's gaslighting you.

By the sounds of it he does it a lot.

It's a form of abuse.

Why does he want you to think you can't remember. Can't see colour. Etc. That's not someone who loves you. That's someone who belittles you to give themselves a kick and feel better about themselves.

It does sound like gaslighting to me. He's tried to make you think you're colourblind. He sounds exhausting and manipulative.

He may not be doing this because he wants to hurt you, it sounds as though it’s a learned pattern of self defence - rather than admit he is wrong and apologise he makes up a lie, which in our society we find it very difficult to call someone out on (a friend’s DS does this, its maddening). So you might not see it as ‘abusive’ as his aim is not to convince you you are mad or forgetful, it’s to convince you he is innocent.

However, whatever his motives, he is an exhausting untrustworthy liar who would rather make you feel stupid than accept that he is in the wrong. Can you live with that?

Sounds like gaslighting definitely.
As an aside, i showed my friend the actual film 'gaslight' recently as she had no idea that's where the term originated, even though an old film it's still quite unnerving.

Is he someone who ‘lies’ generally? It might not be to gaslight you as such as a pp said, but to cover up his mistakes/insecurities. My exh could never be wrong. He just couldn’t handle it.

I don't really know what gaslighting is but if you say do you know where the purple jumper is and he says you mean the blue one . That's not helpful and I would probably be really pissed office if my dh was like that . It must be exhausting for you to be constantly picked up on minor things like colours when he's colour blind.
You would of remembered that he told you that he's colour blind so he's lying now don't doubt yourself .