Sad

[Jero5873]

My boyfriend of nearly 10 years told me 4 days ago he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. We’ve had a lot to deal with lately but I still thought we were happy. He has a lot to cope with at work and I think my insecurities have just chipped away at him. I don’t feel like I’ve supported or listened to him enough. I’ve desperately told him all the things I’ll change to make things work from my side but he’s just said he feels broken and stressed, he said he’s got no apathy and feels numb. He then said he hasn’t got any answers and doesn’t want to be with anyone. He keeps telling me he needs space and time to himself. I’m heartbroken. We live 2 minutes apart and I wanted to see him so badly that I turned up the other evening and he looked like he almost hated me. We’ve always spoken several times a day on the phone and he was still calling me sometimes sounding slightly brighter than others and still saying I love you to me at the end of the call. Then this morning I called him and he seemed ok until I asked if he wanted to go for a coffee or a walk and he said no. Tomorrow he’s meant to be taking his son and my daughter (who’s always called him dad since she was tiny) to a driving experience- I asked if he wanted to go for a walk with the kids afterwards and he said no because he can’t stand being near me and that I stress him out and make him angry. I said about how we’d still been talking and he said that he was just doing it to be civil and keep some normality. I’m devastated can’t function and don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t go on

Of course that's devastating.

You can survive and you will.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger! but

Sorry you are going through a difficult time but I think you need to listen to him and back off. You said you desperately want to change but you haven't, you are trying to push your needs onto him. Sorry if this is harsh but you need to hear it.

Sorry OP but it sounds like he knows what has caused his problems and is taking charge and getting rid of those problems.

You are the problem. You admit you have chipped away at him with your insecurities and haven't listened to him or supported him enough. That is the person you are - insecure and unsupportive. You've been like it for 10 years and it's 10 years too long for him.

It is over. Apologise, learn from it and move on. You can start again with someone else but you can't change the past and it will always be there for your boyfriend. Just move on. You're thinking of you, not him.

Thank you

It sounds like he has shut down to protect himself. He wants time to himself and you must let him or risk his resentment. He is talking but you aren't listening...must be very frustrating.

He is trying to be civil and is taking your DD out, but he wants to lead his own life, sort it out, recover. He is begging for space. The look you see in his eyes is resentment for not being heard, feeling nagged yet not wanting to be unkind [feeling trapped].

I know how hurtful this all is. But what you need to do is face the situation, you cannot reverse it. Start to build a life of your own. Do different activities, plan time with your DD, join classes, go walking, mix with other friends....etc.etc. Gain your self respect and independence by forming a new life.

I have left him alone because despite my selfishness I know I must listen to him. He’s normally so strong and I can see how much pain he’s in and I genuinely respect him and love him very much so I will let him be. Thanks for you words

@CoolJule43 bit harsh. 'she is the problem'? Last time I checked it took 2 to keep a relationship going.

Did he even talk to you about this before op or was it out of the blue?

OP, he sounds like he is blaming you for all of his problems and actually you aren’t. Even if you have relied on him for all of your emotional support and been selfish he is a grown man who should have spoken up at the time and said no this isn’t right. The fact he hasn’t doesn’t mean he is a nice man trying to do his best; it means he either wanted to avoid conflict, lacked back bone or was too passive. All of which leads to resentment and this big explosion.

My advice is to start building your life without him. Do consider what you are like in a relationship, maybe you need to be more independent, but don’t take all of his blame for this relationship ending. You are allowed to be sad and mourn the loss of the future you thought you had so take the time to do this.

I would be cutting all ties immediately. Focus on you and your DD for now and know that you will get through this and be happy again but it will take time and maybe some honest thinking about what you want in a relationship.