Anyone else trying to share parenting with narcissistic ex.

[Velvetrevolution]

I am, and finding it a total nightmare and nearly destroying my sanity. Like this weekend, he was meant to have kids but didn’t take them. So I missed dinner with friends, but he was meant to take them today. I was meant to be working later. Lots of nasty texts from him, about how my contingency plans, IF he didn’t have kids were inadequate, I was unfit mother etc. Had to cancel work, not feeling well and so upset. He harasses me sending me 100s of texts and dozens of calls a day, often derogatory. My only plan is to try to arrange my work so I don’t need him, hard as there’s literally no available childminders in my small village, but possible. I really want to move about an hour away, where I have some friends, but my kids are settled here.

The phone calls and texts are harassment, which is abuse. Speak to the police. Start arranging your life assuming he is going to be an utter bellend and only be surprised if he actually sees the kids.

Bitter voice of experience...

Thank you, makes sense.

Keep all abusive texts/emails from him and speak to the police. What he's doing is harassment and if he continues, he could get arrested and you would be granted a non molestation order (similar to a restraining order) if you so wished. Also keep a diary of all no-shows and game playing.

Definitely move. Your kids will adapt and you deserve a support system (as do they) especially since it seems that your dick if an ex isn't going to be any help at any point. Having your friends around and decent local childcare so you can work is a right not a privilege when you're dealing with a deadbeat dad who won't do the decent thing. An hour away is nothing and if he kicks off then offer to do the travelling for his contact days. No court will think that's an unreasonable offer and to be honest it's highly likely that he'll stop bothering once you've gone and you'll be free to live your lives as you please. I hope so anyway! Sympathies OP...

It is so hard

I have the opposite problem where there is no communication but the same in that in spite of taking me to court for access he with no communication does not show up etc

Document the harassment. Move to get better support.

Yes same. Deliberately cancelling and being obstructive. Horrible messages for years. Periods when he doesn’t see the children at all. It’s hard as it did affect my work too and still does years on. On the other hand it is easier when he is completely out of the picture. So act as if he is.

Another vote for keeping all texts and emails for harassment. He will hate you doing anything that benefits you and will not do anything to help his children. He's using your DC as a weapon to control you. Please don't allow this to continue.

As others have said. Keep all texts etc and inform the police.

Speak to a solicitor and tie everything up via court re how and when he sees the dc.

Give him an email and tell him that’s the only way he can communicate with you. Then block him on everything.

Arrange work so you don’t have to rely on him. It’s a whole lot less stressful this way.

Don’t engage with him at all unless he asks you a direct question about the dc.

I’m literally going through this. I’ve posted on here around half 2.

I’m so exhausted. But with me it’s the other way round. He will cancel if he’s poorly and then say I’ve stopped contact!!!!

Some really good advice on here. Go to the police and get a residency order (advice from great mumsnetters)

I can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s getting to me and the child/ren don’t benefit at all from it.

Sorry you’re going through this for you.

You can’t argue or win with a narcissist. Do what you need to do x

I would move to be nearer your support networks. My ex was like this and I had to adapt my thinking to become self sufficient. He moved abroad for a while. Then came back expecting me to be pleased. I had got used to doing everything myself and didn't need him. He was a shit father though- what's your ex like as a dad?

I have a narc ex, my dc are teens and choose not to see him anymore, they are fed up of being let down, emotionally abused, blackmailed and lied to. My dd who is 14 is most affected.

My advice to you is to keep a log of everything, and have someone to vent to. Remember it's not you it's him.

Look after your dc and of course, yourself.

Don't engage with him. I know it's easier to say than do but you have to do grey rock.

He is looking for an interaction and wants to cause you upset. How old are the DC?

I would say move if you have support but be warned he could block the move, a court is likely to agree if his contact can be facilitated.

How long have you separated? Are you divorced?

You can't argue or win with a narcissist - wise words Exhausted! I've been so upset today, seeing the impact of my ex's latest awful behaviour on my 2 lovely daughters ...the emotional hold he still has over them after 6 years of messing them around. It's such a mindfuck- i would do anything to make this hurt less for them but there's literally nothing I can do, in fact anything action I take is likely to make things worse.

I’m feeling with a pain in the hole ex too. It’s anout to get nasty with solicitors.

I’ve been advised that moving away - for similar reasons to you - had a kickback - as the dad has parental responsibility you can’t change your child’s school without his agreement - this could mean you’ve to battle it out to get agreement to make your move.

Mine is a pain much like yours. And ok too of that that, he expects a round of applause for anything he does, and tells anyone with an ear all about how he “loves his children” and “is a great dad”.

Hi all,

Thank you for your replies. Sorry I haven’t been on here in a couple of days, I’ve spoken to SS as I said and they said it’s a court matter. After thinking about this, I wasn’t happy so sent an email reiterating my points and how this is damaging her mental health and obviously I want to nip it in the bud ASAP. I had a phone call from them today so they took everything down and have said they will contact the school.

I made an appointment with the head of school (who knows some bits about what he’s been like to me and obviously made them aware my DD might and probably is picking up on it. Anyway, I have an appointment with them next week.

I’ve contacted a solicitor who said it’s best to get a child arrangement order put in place but mediation needs to happen first. I explained that I tried that years ago (mediation) and he tried to make out that she’s best off with him because I work?!? And how much he loves DD etc etc. Anyway, I left that feeling very deflated and spoke to a solicitor after that who said mediation won’t work because he’s an abuser. The solicitor I spoke to today said that’s not true and I will still need to go down that route. Ugh.

@justresting sorry you’re in the same place. Shit isn’t it. I just want my DD to have a good relationship with her dad and not for him to emotionally abuse her to get to me. Not a lot to ask for really.

X

Oh god sorry. Just realised I posted this on the wrong thread 🤦🏻‍♀️ Was meant to post on mine. Sorry all