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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me decide to stay or go?

21 replies

ShouldIStay · 08/07/2007 21:53

This may turn into a long drawn out rant and i may figure it all out when its written down but would appreciate help please! I am a regular!

Dh and i been going through bad patch for months. Have 3 DC and married a few years now.

Im not happy. Dh not happy. Walking a very thin line between love and hate at the minute.
Spoke with DH on Tuesday and it all turned into a massive argument. He sadi he couldnt see point in trying to solve problems so i said i had no choice but to leave. He ended up leaving with a bag. 3 hours later he came back and said he will go relate if i give up work! Ive handed in my notice and he is supposed to ring relate for some help! He hasnt yet done this.
It feels like we are papering over the cracks! He said he didnt think he could love me like he used to and that he felt we couldnt fix our problems BUT i think we owe it to our kids to try. Problem really is i dont think his hearts in it and im not sure mine is either!
Dh is a great dad which makes leaving harder as it would mean goign 140 miles away nearer my family!
We just dont have a relationship anymore! I cant honestly say Dh is my best friend and im not 100% sure i love him!
Can we sort this out? Once friendship has gone can you get it back? When do you finally know leaving is best even if it means the kids may not see daddy as much?

OP posts:

Heated · 08/07/2007 21:57

Why is you giving up work part of the equation?

fingerwoman · 08/07/2007 22:00

I think you should give relate a chance. It would be a shame to throw it all away without even trying to see if you can make this work.

fingerwoman · 08/07/2007 22:00

It's not often you hear of a man saying he would go to relate, and you were willing to instantly hand your notice in- that says to me that you both DO want this to work.

WideWebWitch · 08/07/2007 22:02

You really, really, really shouldn't make this decision based on what mumsnetters think.

expatinscotland · 08/07/2007 22:04

I would fight like hell to save my marriage in your case.

Why does he need to be your best friend? Where did you get the idea that this is essential to a successful marriage?

I'm with fingerwoman in this.

Also, your kids not getting to see their daddy as much. All because your idea of marriage sounded like some corny B-movie?

Honestly, get a grip, grow up and go to Relate.

Harsh?

Yeah, well, so is divorce.

Original poster

ShouldIStay · 08/07/2007 22:04

Dh says that there is no point us trying to sort out our marrige if we are both working full time and im stressed out etc. I understand where he is coming from. My work does take up alot of my time and we are currently having to spend alot of time with oldest DC for other reasons (cant give too much away or i will be outed!!)
Want to give it my best but cant help feeling its all for nothing. Even tonight Dh got annoyed with me over something trivial and i just wanted to leave.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShouldIStay · 08/07/2007 22:07

thanks expat! I know all this i suppose. I should fight for my marriage and YES i did think and still do that DH should be my friend. Right now DH and i have NO relationship at all. We go nowhere together, we dont have similar interests, we just plod along for the kids sake!
I wont let Mumsnetters make my decision for me just needed a shove i suppose.
Was hoping someone on here had been through this and could tell me it will all be ok!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 08/07/2007 22:07

Get a grip!

All for nothing?

This is your family, not just you and him, but your children as well.

You're willing just to throw in the towel over stress at work and snapping at each other and the like?

What did you expect out of life, a bed of roses?

Sorry to come across as harsh, but honestly it sounds like you just can't be arsed anymore, and that's a lame excuse, especially when you look at some of the case on here of cheating, abuse and domestic violence, addictions, etc.

He's willing to go to Relate.

expatinscotland · 08/07/2007 22:09

Life has rough patches. Sometimes they are very long ones.

Swings and roundabouts.

You need to think long-term here, about you, about your marriage and about your kids.

Because at the end of the day, you only have yourself.

You can't rely on someone else to make you happy. And your certainly won't be happy with anyone else until you are with yourself.

Something brought you two together in the first place.

fingerwoman · 08/07/2007 22:09

I haven't been through it, but just from how you're coming across you do sound as though you want this to work out.
You';ll never know if it was all for nothing unless you try.

CarGirl · 08/07/2007 22:11

Set your horizons longer if it's taken a few years to get into this state it will take as many to get back to a "fulfilling" relationship. It would be selfish not to give relate and a commitment to working to improve things from each of you a chance.

divorce is hell and I'm still good friends with my ex

snowwonder · 08/07/2007 22:14

go to relate- at least you know you have tried everything and if it doesnt work at least you will always know you have tried,

this was the thing that hurt the most when me and ex split up - the fact that he didnt want to even try and save our family

expatinscotland · 08/07/2007 22:16

Same here, CarGirl! And the ex and I didn't even have kids - that was why we split, because he never wanted any.

But man, that was painful for both of us.

NOT something I'd do again unless there was a real dealbreaker involved - cheating, abuse, addictions and not getting treatment, crime, etc.

Original poster

ShouldIStay · 08/07/2007 22:16

thanks all and i know oyu are right. all seems so hard at the minute. DH and i are civil in front of DCs and once they in bed we just separate to different rooms in house! We both made an effort to watch DVD the other night but it all felt so fake. Will ask him to sort relate again and if he doesnt do it by Wed then i will. I know it sounds like a cop out BUT i want him to prove he wants this marriage to work by booking relate.
SORRY everyone for posting such a lame thread.

OP posts:

Heated · 08/07/2007 22:17

Wanting to leave when things get tough is the easy way out imo. Marriages take a lot of work, ESPECIALLY if they're going through a rough patch. You loved each other enough to bring children into the world, and because of those children definitely go to Relate but that should be one of many things you do to rekindle your relationship. Start by showing you care by being affectionate, it doesn't have to be much, a quick cuddle, ruffling hair...You might not feel affectionate but it's a start to making you both feel loved and cherished without having to reach for words. The first rush of excitement and passion do fade in any relationship but be replaced by something more enduring and satisfying and that surely is worth trying for.

Original poster

ShouldIStay · 08/07/2007 22:18

i do know im lucky that DH is a good man. There is no cheating or abuse going on i think we have just forgotton what our relationship is about. We focus so hard on our children we have forgotton US!

OP posts:

CarGirl · 08/07/2007 22:18

Have you told him that though???? I suspect one of the big things will be learning to tell each other stuff and not expecting them to work it out - humans are not telepathic!

fingerwoman · 08/07/2007 22:18

of course it seems hard, marriage is never going to be a bed of roses, you have to work at it.
But it'll be worth it if you keep your family together and regain whatever it was that brought to together in the first place surely?

the fact that you can both see that something needs doing and you are both willing to do it is really a positive thing, it's the first step.
i hope it all works out for you

Original poster

ShouldIStay · 08/07/2007 22:40

thanks for all the advice. I need to talk to DH more i know that. We are both in a weird place at the moment. I klnow we are both struggling. We both need reassurance although this is hard because i think if i make any sort of a move he will think i dont mean it. I know that i feel at the minute and poor DH is damned if he does and damned if he dont!
Need to move past this. DH starting new job in 3 weeks so after THursday he has 2 weeks at home. We go on holiday friday so will see if that helps.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 09/07/2007 00:09

Very good tip, Heated!

Just a little cuddle, or a touch.

It will seem 'fake' at first, but so did a lot of things when we try them for the first time!

Keep watching a DVD together. DH and I do - he choses it one week and I do the next. NO whinging about each other's choice, just go into it with an open mind and if he's picked something you think will be lame then open up a bottle of wine.

hurtwife · 09/07/2007 08:34

I expect that a lot of you know that i have been through hell recently. Before all this though i can see that we had 'drifted' apart and can remeber feeling like you do.

I dont know that giving up work will be the answer though - could you not do part-time for a while?

You must find some US time though and although it will be an effort it will be so worth it. How about a candlelit dinner at home or a bath with some special smellies and candles ect. Yes it will feel fake at first but if you can both relax it will begin to feel normal soon. At least you are both willing to give it a try.

If me and H can reconect after all the awful things he put me through i think there is hope for anyone.

Good luck

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