Trust issues from previous relationship

[PsGirl]

Can anyone please offer advise if they have been in a similar situation. The issue being my partner sometimes has trust issues as a result of his previous relationship where he was very badly hurt.

He acknowledges that I've never done anything to think he can't trust me but as the relationship progresses and is becoming more serious this has started to manifest itself. Neither of us want to give up on the relationship but just want to work through it and get back to the happiness we had in the beginning.

He is awaiting support from the well-being service but can anyone offer advise on how I can best support this?

Anyone?

What sort of things are going on?

We all have pasts and scars from the bad bits and my gut feeling is it’s his responsibility to deal with his issues. There’s nothing you can do to heal them for him so he’s right to access external help in managing them and his reactions and it would be wrong for you to change how and who you are.

E.g. there was a thread on here recently where a poster had been cheated on in the past and said her anxiety was eased by checking her DP’s phone. That’s not okay. Her issues didn’t entitle her to her invade his privacy or control him. Her anxiety was her problem and the costs to her partner of her feeling better weren’t fair or sustainable.

How long have you been together and in what sorts of ways does this lack of trust manifest itself?

The sorts of things that are going on is that he is mostly it appears paranoid that I'm doing something i shouldn't. Eg. Talking to other guys. So if my phone was to go off he asks who it is. I don't really have a problem with this and I'm always open with my phone and have no issues using it in front of him. He has issues with his self esteem and things like me not having sex he takes personally like I've found someone better.

Thank you for your replies too! I guess I don't have anyone in RL to talk to about it so just want to ensure I'm doing everything I can to help him.

Here's my take:

You're both starting to get serious about the relationship. Given that this issue is so important to him, this should logically mean that he has come to the realisation that you are someone he can trust not to cheat on him and indeed, he has made an acknowledgement to that effect.

So it's a bit sinister that he should choose to start ramping up the jealousy and control now.

I'm afraid that if he was capable of treating you like a normal human being to begin with, it speaks volumes that it's now that he's sure he's got you reeled in that his trust issue is starting to become apparent. Eg the sex thing - if that's not training you to put out whenever he asks, I don't know what the hell it is.

Oh dear, I don’t like the sound of that at all

The sex thing is a massive issue. It’s incredibly controlling to ascribe you malicious motives when you don’t feel like it. It’s essentially blackmail to either have you do it when he wants to, or make you feel bad if you don’t. This is a big red flag and not something you should be ignoring.

The phone thing is bad too, it’s your phone, your friends, family, colleague etc who are contacting you on it, it’s for your convenience and you don’t have to tell him who you’re talking to.

What happens if you don’t tell him who you’re chatting to or who’s sent you a message? Does he ask to check your phone?

You can’t fix him. He has to fix himself. It strikes me that he’s using his past issues (do you have any way of knowing what actually happened other than what he’s told you?) to test your boundaries and see what he can emotionally blackmail you into doing or not doing. Be wary.

I had exactly this. I found it increasingly difficult; the constant worry and subtle accusations from him made me extremely anxious and made me tread on eggshells. It completely ruined our relationship and destroyed my confidence. I had to break up with him for my own mental health. I asked him to work on himself but he just replaced me after a few weeks; I am only just getting over it 5 months later. It made me realise it was all about him and there was nothing I could have done to fix him.

He won't change unless he really, really wants to. It's a deep rooted thing and you will just end up being hurt. The best advice would be for you to take a break and ask him to work on his issues independently. If he is serious about you having a future together then that is what he will do. If not then consider it a lucky escape for the future.

Please don't change yourself or your actions to make him feel better, it's not fair and it won't work. Mumsnet helped me leave and whilst it has been incredibly difficult it has been even more difficult realising how damaged I was as a result of the relationship.

Thank you for your messages on this. I took note and have discussed issues with him. I thought he understood and that he knew he was being unreasonable. However I feel deep down he cannot stop being that person. I'm feeling a bit down after the last 12 hours. I went to see him as planned and to stay the night. We watched tv in bed and I was falling asleep just after 9. I've been so tired lately I just can't help it. Then he goes to me, 'are you going to sleep?' I said I didn't mean to fall asleep but couldn't help it. He said he was disappointed as he hasn't spent enough time kissing and cuddling. I had previously spoken to him about being realistic. We spend about 5 nights a week together and I just don't think it's possible to be all over each other 24/7. I need my sleep. I'm used to having 8-10 hours a night where possible. I have an 18 month old and I work full time too so good reason to be tired. He then spent all night every time I slightly woke, asking if we are okay, asking if I'm going back to sleep. I just think it's really strange behaviour and I don't know what to do about it. At 5:50 he wakes and starts touching me and the inevitable happens. Then he seemed fine. Just don't think this is right 😫

It is not right. Trust your instincts that tell you that

I am going to struggle to let go of this. How can someone I initially thought was so perfect turn out to be like this? It's breaking my heart.

My ex was very similar to this. Even after speaking to my mum on the phone he'd demand to know what we'd talked about, would get funny if I was out with friends and didn't tell him exactly what I was up to, where I was etc. I realised then that this wasn't about his 'fears' but more about control. I left him five years ago and even now it affects my current (amazing) relationship, and I get worried about 'being told off' for ridiculous things. My advice is to get out now, don't let it drag on for three years like I did, you're not responsible for his issues and you shouldn't have to be.

@AnxietyFarts sorry to hear you went through that. Sometimes I feel my past relationships have caused me to attach negative feelings to the things he does which is causing confusion in my mind. I spoke to him just now and have said I just feel under pressure for things to happen every time we are together. I don't feel like I can relax and be me, or just go to bed and go to sleep without an explanation. He doesn't 'demand' to know what I've said, he just likes to know. I have also said about the questioning during the night and said I'm really struggling to deal with this. He has basically said he'll do whatever it takes, take a break from sex or whatever to get us back on track. Makes me feel like I've been to harsh on him 😔