Why can't hate him

[28forever]

I've posted on here before , my partner ( or maybe ex partner) is an absolute bloody nightmare and that's putting it lightly.
He has attacked me bruised me and called me the most hortible names you can imagine. Every drama we have just gets worse and worse .In the latest nightmare he attacked a member of my family .
Everyone I know despises him even his own family think he's crackers.He causes problems in every aspect of my life I don't have any friends left . He has beaten me badly, attacked me so badly , I have bald patches where my hair is constantly ripped out. It's all come to a massive climax as he's attacked my family member now.
And yet he's ended things with me , told me im insecure ( I never EVER was before meeting him) I cause nothing but trouble etc etc and all his problems are caused by me ! He's sick of police been called out at my house etc etc ( I've never called police but neighbours have ) he's sick of all my bullshit and told me we need to end it!!! I know we do need up end it but he can't even let me be the one that does it !!!
He's been messaging me saying leave him alone .accept its over .he loves me but can't put up with me any more!!!
I feel so lost and empty without him, I just want to hold him .which I know is totally nuts and i should take him at word and tell him to totally f*k off .I can't stop crying , I have lost all my self respect . I just feel so f*king low.

Awww op. Your distress is obvious from your post. I'm so sorry you're going through this op this. All I can say is that you must have normalised the abuse and got used to it that's why you miss him. Your heart is very much attached to him even though your head knows he's bad for you. Please don't go back to him. Can you talk to friends and family about this? You need support to not go back to him. Could you access counselling to talk about this? At the very least please keep talking on here to keep you strong. Sending you hugs and strength op xx

In the kindest way, you sound addicted to him/the drama. Is that what your childhood was like? A chaotic emotional rollercoaster?

Counselling will help you understand these patterns and the pull to destructive relationships.

OP that sounds awful

Do you have children together or are you able to make a totally clean break and not have any contact at all?

It sounds like he has moved out? Do you feel secure that he can't get in? You may need to change locks to feel safe.

Childhood great. Mum and dad together 42 years. One brother. One niece and nephew.
I am 44 and never been in anything like this before. I've had same job 20 years.
I know he is poisen but I love and miss him so much.
If we got back together my family would cut contact it's that bad.
And I know I shouldn't even entertain it but the thought of never holding him , waking up togetger again makes me want to just curl up and die .I literally feel my heart is breaking

We both have our own houses. We were planning to move in together soon. No children .
Yes I can practically make a break but I really cant imagine living without him . The thought of him with someone else absolutly destroys me

It's very common to miss an abusive partner, surprisingly enough. In fact it's common to miss anyone or anything one has grown accustomed to. I remember reading somewhere that cancer patients report missing the cancer once they are in remission. It's because it becomes the norm. It will take time for you to get used to being without him. What you miss isn't him, it's the space he was occupying in your life.
Please get support for yourself to break free from him for good.

Because of this:
blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-answer-to-narcissistic-abuse-that-no-is-talking-about-peptide-addiction/