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Original poster

Not inviting my parents to my wedding

48 replies

Lolly667 · 09/03/2019 10:31

I’m looking for some different opinions because I don’t know what to do for the best.

Backstory - I got on reasonably well with my parents for most of my life. There’s been issues over the years as my mum can be quite controlling and makes everything about her, but family is family isn’t it and I always just got over it. But in the past year there’s been massive changes in my immediate family. My brother and his wife split up (he had an affair) and my parents (mainly my mum, but dad didn’t do anything to stop it) have treated my sil awfully. For example telling all the extended family how awful she was to my brother and how her family are being horrible to him now (understandly imo, he’s left her to bring up their kids and hasn’t seen them in months or given any money for them).
My mum kept trying to tell me all this too and I said I don’t want to get involved and tried to keep out of it while still seeing sil and kids. Basically my mum is livid that she can’t control me now and has sent some horrible messages about how I’ve never been there for her etc. There’s obviously a lot more to it than that, but I’ll be here all day..
So we haven’t seen her since Christmas Day (apart from a funeral mid January when she all but ignored me) They haven’t seen my 4 month old baby since Christmas Day. Not even a text to see how baby is since Christmas. They live less than half an hour away..

Current dilemma - me and DP have decided to get married in a couple of months. We were engaged before all this so they know that, but the wedding date was never set. We feel we can’t have the big wedding we intended as I can’t have brother and sil there without drama and it would cause too much trouble when I chose to invite sil. So we decided to elope. But it’s now evolved from that to inviting my best friend (to be witness) and her husband, and DP wants his brother as witness so him and his wife are coming. DP has very small family (literally brother and parents, so we said if his parents want to come too they can and we will all go registry office then get food afterwards. It’s not a big wedding.

But I don’t feel I want my parents there, and my DP definitely doesn’t. He’s so upset and angry by how they have treated me and that they don’t seem to care about our baby. And for how they are treating sil, though I appreciate that’s not entirely our business, but it does taint your opinion of people.
My mum has always said to run away and get married and tell people when we are back, so I don’t think they would be upset particularly about that, but they would be upset to find out my DP parents were there I think.

If I don’t invite them then that’s cemented that our relationship is over (which I think it pretty much is anyway) but it’s on me then, and the way they treated me is forgotten because I’m the one who left them out of my wedding. This is going to “prove” that it was me all along and how sad for them to have such a hurtful daughter, when in reality they have hurt me so much and me backing away is a direct consequence of that.

As it stands at the moment, I can’t tell one of my oldest friends (same friendship group as friend who is being witness) because her mum is friends with my mum and I don’t want it getting back to my parents like that. But I obviously don’t want to lose my friend keeping such a massive secret and basically leaving her out. But at the same time she won’t understand why I haven’t told them, and she thinks I’m over-reacting to how they have been. She thinks my mum is lovely Hmm

What do I do? Does anybody have any advice? I want to talk about my wedding and I want to get excited over it. It feels like a big dirty secret at the moment, which it absolutely isn’t.

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 09/03/2019 10:33

Oh dear that's a tough one. Mayne just go for it and send your mum a postcard after saying "Remember you told us to run away and get married? We did it!"

woolduvet · 09/03/2019 10:35

I'd elope properly. No witnesses, they'll make it too messy.

Wearywithteens · 09/03/2019 10:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

thefirst48 · 09/03/2019 10:37

Definitely elope but don't take any family or friends with you. No one can complain they were left out over someone else then.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 09/03/2019 10:40

My dps weren't at any of my weddings!!
The day is about you +dp. If he definitely would be happier without them then his wishes need to be granted imo.
They have snubbed your dc due to their toxic behaviour. Their choice, not your 'behaviour'. Seriously, being nc is great!!

Original poster
lolly667 · 09/03/2019 10:43

Thing is that it's all already booked. I originally wanted to elope properly, but we decided it was unfair for DP's family to miss his wedding because of my family. And they have been so good to me through all of this, and a massive help and support.
There's no coming back from it now...

There is a meal booked with two extra seats (had to have a minimum number of people for place we wanted) so I have the option to invite my parents, but tbh I don't want to...

OP posts:
IggyAce · 09/03/2019 10:49

I always tell people to apply the rule if you haven’t seen or heard from them in 6months then don’t invite them. So make the wedding for mid to late June and go and get married with your current planned witnesses.
Good for you for been there for your SIL.

memaymamo · 09/03/2019 10:49

Wow just reading this I feel so angry at your brother for ruining so many lives and breaking up the family. He's taken the joy out of what should be such a happy time for you.

Your parents will find out about the wedding regardless so I think you need to have a conversation where you make it clear why you're not inviting them.

2019willbegreat · 09/03/2019 10:51

Tell them the truth. You've done nothing wrong. They can then either make it up to you in some way or FOTTFSOF.

Bubba1234 · 09/03/2019 10:55

Your plan sounds good with his parents but not yours.
Your mum has behaved appallingly.
You won’t regret it on the day the sense of relief you will feel

EhlanaOfElenia · 09/03/2019 10:58

Either elope properly, or invite her to your wedding. Send her the invite, but don't make any other contact.

It's too early on in this conflict to make it 'permanent'. You don't honestly know how you will feel about it in a year's time. Your DB might wind his neck in and be a decent dad (miracles do happen Hmm), your parents might realise that you're serious and they apologise for their treatment.

Original poster
lolly667 · 09/03/2019 11:02

@memaymamo that's how I feel too. I'm not the one who had an affair, but he's still very much part of the family and I'm the one who has been punished in my opinion.

Anyway that's a whole other issue...

OP posts:
Original poster
lolly667 · 09/03/2019 11:03

Name change fail Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
lolly667 · 09/03/2019 11:09

I didn't think I could go no contact, but the peace I feel is lovely. I don't want this to end.

@EhlanaOfElenia they have apologised last year and I thought things would change and it all quickly went back. They missed out on most of my pregnancy because they stayed away. Then they realised I wasn't going to beg them to be involved so they came round full of apologies and with cake saying they had missed out on so much. Then very quickly went back to dropping in comments about sil and saying I know you don't want to know but just telling you for my peace of mind... Hmm

OP posts:
anniehm · 09/03/2019 11:10

I would tell them, take the higher moral position and don't lower yourself to their level. Give them the details, say it's followed by some food but not a reception and if they wish to attend to let you know by xxxx. It's not ideal but not inviting them is giving them a reason to be aggrieved for the rest of your lives. If you were eloping without his family present it would be different. They may not rsvp, they may say no but by inviting them you have the upper hand.

RemodellingMyHouse · 09/03/2019 11:17

Tricky.... I know what it's like to have parents like this, and it's not fun.

Tbh, I would invite them, as it's just one day. But make very clear that their attendance is contingent on them treating SIL nicely when they attend. They may well say they don't want to come, but then that will be on their head. By being the bigger person, you avoid any possibility that this will be thrown in your face later (and all your relatives told about what a terrible daughter you are).

I had a very similar wedding to you (hardly anyone invited, registry office then a meal), and I did invite my awful mum despite similar misgivings to the ones you have. She was generally ok on the day (not 100%), and it didn't spoil it for us. My memories are mainly focused on the fact I was marrying my lovely husband, not on who was there.

RemodellingMyHouse · 09/03/2019 11:18

Sorry, I misread and thought SIL was attending. That doesn't change my thoughts though.

Birdie6 · 09/03/2019 11:20

I'd go back to your original plan of eloping. Having his family there and not yours, will ensure a huge split in your family. As you say, you couldn't go no contact , but honestly this will happen if you continue with your "evolved wedding" . And you'll be blamed for it - your brother will be forgotten and you'll be the terrible person who had a wedding and didn't invite her own parents.

Do what my SIL did - go away and get married, then send everyone e postcard saying "I'm now Mrs XYZ". Nobody gets offended then because they all get treated the same. Singling out your parents to be uninvited is asking for a world of trouble.

Original poster
lolly667 · 09/03/2019 11:22

@EhlanaOfElenia that's what's in the back of my mind it's too early to make this permanent but at the same time a lot of water has gone under that bridge and things will never be the same again anyway.

@anniehm @RemodellingMyHouse if I invite them, they will come. And there will be an atmosphere all day. It's such a small group of people there that they wouldn't blend into the background.

I suppose the bottom line is that I'm more at peace without their drama. I never realised that until just now. And I don't think they could find a way to be involved in my life without bringing that with them.

It's so nice to talk about this because it's putting my thoughts in order.

OP posts:
Itscoldouthere · 09/03/2019 11:24

Being a bit older (I’m 55) I’d just say that not inviting them may cement the end of your relationship, which in the long run could be sad for you and your children.
My DH parents died when my DC were young and so they have grown up without grandparents which has been quiet sad.
Mind you saying that I didn’t invite my own father to my wedding but by that time our relationship with him was well and truely over, but it has been hard at times, for example I don’t even know if he’s dead or not, but that’s what happens when you cut your family off.
Anyway this is just a thought, good luck with your wedding.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 09/03/2019 11:25

remodelling it isn't just one day - it's the op's blooming wedding day ffs!!
It's not a day about keeping other people happy imo!

RemodellingMyHouse · 09/03/2019 11:28

A wedding is still just one day. It's for the OP to do what she feels will make her happiest though.

RemodellingMyHouse · 09/03/2019 11:30

And I'm saying that as someone who had an almost identical wedding to the OP (number of people and style of wedding) and invited a difficult parent who I have little contact with.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2019 11:31

Hi Lolly

I remember you well from previous writings.

Do not invite your parents to your wedding; your mother will simply make that day all about her with your dad's enabling and will otherwise ruin what is a happy occasion. Women like your mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them and this person here is your dad. He has also failed you as a parent abjectly here by failing to protect you as his children from her excesses of behaviours. Instead he has thrown you all under the bus out of his own self preservation and want of a quiet life.

Your parents have not fundamentally changed since your own childhood and not all that surprisingly either the roles assigned to you and your sibling are still the same. You are the scapegoat and he is the golden child here (a role itself not without price either though he is unaware of this).

Do consider eloping and have two witnesses to your wedding unconnected to either your family or his.

Why is no contact not an option as yet?. It is NOT too early to make this permanent; your parents, particularly your mother, want you to dance to their tune and give them your complete submission. Anything less than this they will not accept. You do not need such people in your lives because your mother will continue to make each and every happening all about her. The rest of you are but bit part players with her at the centre of her universe.

Original poster
lolly667 · 09/03/2019 11:34

I do really appreciate everybody's input here. It's given me plenty to think about.

I couldn't really invite them to just the registry office and not the meal could I? It's not exactly local, it's about 40 minutes from them.

My DP really wouldn't want them there anyway.

It's my birthday coming up and I don't know if they will be in touch then. I plan to see what they do then to make a decision really.

I didn't think I could do no contact, I spent a long time resisting it, but I actually feel at peace for the first time in months maybe even years

OP posts: