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Original poster

DH unsupportive, being told I'm too emotional/ need to use my time better

25 replies

KKAK · 09/03/2019 06:47

Hi all. I'm new to mumsnet and first time poster. I would like your views/ thought/ advice on this matter.

We are first time parents to a beautiful 5 week old daughter. DH and I are having major arguments over night feeds (mainly). I have done them all since she was born. He's done about 5. She wakes every 2-3 hours to eat. He is self employed. He gets up when he pleases (usually 11am) goes to work when he pleases. He'll go to work late then come back late at around 10/11pm. Some days he'll decide to take off to spend with us.

The problem is that even on his days off he refuses to do the night feeds.

I suggested that I get 1 night a week of unbroken sleep which I have not had since birth and he can do the night feed for 1 night of his choice. He said that I can't hold him to that because he works and that I'm the mother it's my job. Then he half heartedly agreed but said that I'm not efficient with my time if I'm struggling with sleep. He said that I need to plan my day better and use my time effectively if I'm struggling with sleep. I have been emotional trying to do it all myself but I get told that I'm just too emotional and I just need to get on with it.

This made me extremely upset as I'm really trying my best but the lack of sleep is getting to me.

He used to refuse to do the nappies. He doesn't do much around the house. I have to maintain the cleanliness. He has a pile of clothes in the corner of the room that he refuses to clear up. Before baby arrived, he used to expect me to do it.

He is a loving husband and father and does some feeds during the day but his lack of help and his expectations of 'the woman's role' is really making me resent him and I don't know what to do.

I've done my bit to suggest what we can do about sleep. I don't know what else.

Thank you for reading x

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 09/03/2019 06:51

He is lazy and selfish.
Do you have any other support?
I am sorry, but you are now seeing his true colours.
I guess you have to decide whether you want to stay in the relationship.
First off I would stop doing anything for him and concentrate on you and your baby.

endofthelinefinally · 09/03/2019 06:54

Can you talk to your HV?

cece · 09/03/2019 06:55

Sadly, his lack of support us now showing. I agree stop doing stuff for him. Don't let me lie in till 11 am. Wake him up, then go out and leave him with the baby for a while. See how well he manages his time.

SoyDora · 09/03/2019 06:57

Well he’s said exactly what he thinks... you’re the mother and it’s your job. He won’t change.
FWIW, my DH works full time (regular hours). Our baby is 8 weeks old and he has done at least 10 full nights. He also does any nappies that need doing when he’s around, takes all 3 DC out at weekends to give me a rest (we also have a 5 and a 3 year old), cooks and does his share of housework.

Moanymoaner123 · 09/03/2019 07:00

He is not a loving husband and father if he is being this selfish, he sounds odious. And make no mistake that this is pure selfishness. My (soon to be ex) DP was a bit like this, but I was bf and couldn't pump to save my life so he couldn't physically help with night feeds. But he also wasn't willing to give me any time to myself, he was always out and uncontactable. I was lucky if I got to have a bath without the baby in the room with me. I kept doing everything, with him occasionally doing some washing up or tidying and expecting to be treated like a saint for doing so. Two and a half years of this and there is no love left. Men like this don't change, so think hard now about whether you want to shackle yourself to a manchild and make your life harder.

mathanxiety · 09/03/2019 07:02

You are in an awful situation.

Your H is a waste of space. Everything he has said and done here is appalling.
How can you possibly say he is a loving husband and father? Because he has done a few daytime feeds? Because he now does nappies occasionally when he feels like it?

Loving husband and father my arse. He gets up and goes off to work when he feels like it, arrives home when he feels like it, gets a full night's sleep every single night and lectures you about how you should be more organised.

I suggested that I get 1 night a week of unbroken sleep which I have not had since birth and he can do the night feed for 1 night of his choice.
You poor timid woman.
You don't deserve to be kicked in the teeth by this sorry excuse for a man.

Is there anywhere you (just you and the baby) can go - to parents, siblings, friends, so that at least someone can help you out for a while to let you regain your strength?

Do you have any male friends or family who could come and read the riot act to your useless husband?

The business with rigid roles and expectations of what you should be doing is a red flag for abuse in a relationship, by the way, as is callous failure to put himself out in any way to support you when it must be clear that you are on your knees from tiredness. What he is doing is cruel.

It is also very, very cold - what sort of man has so little to do with the care of his own little baby? What exactly does he do with the baby on his intermittent days off work?

How was he before the baby was born, and before you were pregnant?

Halo84 · 09/03/2019 07:03

Wow. He doesn’t realize how much work a newborn is.

kayakingmum · 09/03/2019 07:03

Others on here are probably going to disagree but my advice is to give up trying to persuade him to do the night feeds etc.
He clearly has an old fashioned attitude. That's just him.
Not to wish your life away but this phase won't last forever. Try not to let these feeling eat you up.
I hope your baby sleeps better soon.

WilsonandNoodles · 09/03/2019 07:05

5 weeks is a really hard stage. The sleep deprivation has started taking its toll but you still have a newborn.
If hes not willing to take a full night then get him to commit to a feed every night. Perhaps he could get up and let you have from say 6 to him leaving at 11 for a more solid sleep. Or tell him he is on duty from 7-12 pm. Let him know that if he refuses he will be resposible for making you ill and then he will have dd full time.

Morgan12 · 09/03/2019 07:07

What does he do for you? How does he contribute to family life? Does he do anything to help you at all?

If these answers are no/nothing I'd seriously start questioning the whole relationship.

sparklefarts · 09/03/2019 07:09

Wow. Just wow.
I'd be leaving, sorry OP.

TheNewSchmooo · 09/03/2019 07:09

He is a loving husband and father and does some feeds during the day but his lack of help and his expectations of 'the woman's role' is really making me resent him and I don't know what to do.

A loving husband would care about his wife. He wouldn't be treating you like this.

A loving father would care about his own baby without finding excuses not to.

This man is not a loving husband or father. He's a lazy and selfish man and it's such a shame for you that you are only discovering this now.

blackcat86 · 09/03/2019 07:10

You need to be very firm here. I'm nearly 7 months down the line from where you are and I can tell you that it doesn't change unless it reaches a tipping point. I developed postnatal depression and anxiety, and suggestion from the therapist that I spend just 1 hr a week doing something I enjoy by myself was met with a tirade about how DH doesn't get time to himself. I called him a selfish cunt if his reaction to being told that his wife is barely holding on is to go on about how he has no time. Enough was enough. I started practicing radical honesty and 3 nights of arguments ensued. He talked a good game but couldn't give me examples of things he'd actually done for me or DD.

I told him that DD loves him, her face lights up when she sees him and cant even be bothered to spend half hour with her before bed. I've said that I expect him to do one thing a day for DD (feed, change, bed, bath whatever) and one early morning with her at the weekend as he was sleeping in whenever he liked. He actually is now bonding with her a lot more and knows that he steps up or leaves.

So say the things that need to be said to him. Shout, cry, wake him and have the arguments because he'll either get on board or you'll know that he won't be a supportive partner or parent and needs to leave.

TheNewSchmooo · 09/03/2019 07:14

My exh was no different, if I'm honest with you. He's in a management role at work and, by the time we'd entered the first phase of cluster feeding - where I didn't move off the sofa for hours on end a day, he decided to implement a time and motion study sot that he could work out where I could use my time more efficiently.

The relationship was dead by the end of my maternity leave, if I'm honest with you, because of his behaviour/attitutde but we dragged it out for another few years.

You really don't find out who a man is until you need him to behave like one.

SinkGirl · 09/03/2019 07:15

Oh bless you, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I had a few niggles with DH when our twins were little but nothing like this - he did most of the night feeds while I pumped, and once I stopped pumping I’d regularly wake up to find he’d done all the feeds through the night so I could sleep.

Both parents need to be able to do everything related to the baby - what would happen if you got sick and had to go into hospital? This is not all your responsibility.

You need to sit down with him this weekend and hash it out. Write down everything that needs doing each day / week and figure out what he can do. First thing is he needs to sleeping in and coming back late - that’s unacceptable when there’s a baby to take care of.

Thatnovembernight · 09/03/2019 07:25

I honestly don’t think there is anything you can do about this because you are not the problem. There isn’t a special way you can make him see sense as this sort of attitude is so ingrained. My exh thought he shouldn’t be disturbed at night because he worked and then slept in every weekend because he was tired from working. He would half heartedly agree to trying a feed or to settle the baby but not actually do it. He also came and went as he pleased and I had the choice of doing everything or nothing being done. No amount of crying, discussion or therapy changed it. Sorry not to have a more optimistic response but that was my experience. I hope things get better for you. Just try and look after yourself as best you can and take your time thinking about what you want to do in the long term xx

SofaSurfer20 · 09/03/2019 07:26

You have two children.

billybagpuss · 09/03/2019 07:27

@thenewschmoo seriously he did a time and motion study 🙄that’s awful!!

OP whilst the sleep deprivation will eventually improve the expectation of your role will not unless you can really nip this attitude in the bud now. You need to take the advice you have had on here.

Good luck, stay strong and don’t be afraid to go and stay elsewhere for a few days if that is an option as you desperately need support.

madcatladyforever · 09/03/2019 07:32

Did you know he was a massive prick before you had a child.

Go and stay with your mum for a week if that's at all a possibility. Tell you'll not be coming back unless he pulls his weight. He needs a short, sharp shock.

My first husband was probably one of the worst husbands in the world but even he wasn't this bad.

mathanxiety · 09/03/2019 07:57

A time and motion study...

Words fail me.

ExH , eh?

TimetohittheroadJack · 09/03/2019 08:17

My exH was the same. He was too tired as he was working all day (with the added dig of ‘while you’ve been sitting about’).

I gave up asking him to do anything, as it was easier and less stressful to get on with things myself athan to have an arguenent and then still have to do everything but in a bad mood.

I hope you can talk it through and change things OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2019 08:44

"Before baby arrived, he used to expect me to do it".

And he still does expect you to do it all; these are clearly not the actions at all of a "loving husband and father" (words by the way that you wrote immediately after writing the above - why?). The writing was on the wall here re this individual.

The childcare and housework will continue to fall to you because he sees that as "your" role here. I would think such attitudes are deeply ingrained and have been fostered further by his own parents (look at them too).

He will not change but you can change how you react to him. You need to be apart from him, this manchild needs to have his cosy world shaken up hugely.

DuffBeer · 09/03/2019 08:53

A loving husband and father?

Look, you need to wake up and smell the coffee. He is neither.

He does as he pleases to suit himself.

megrichardson · 09/03/2019 08:58

My ExH was the same. Took me years to get rid of him but life with just me and the kids was a lot better. Think carefully about what you want for the rest of your life and for your child, OP. And congratulations on the birth of your baby.

Awrite · 09/03/2019 09:04

Jesus Christ, this man is a cunt.

If you have nice parents, I would hotfoot it to their house. I would ultimately aim to leave him. I hope you are on mat leave and have a job to go back to.

It's not just his selfish actions, his words are aimed to demean you and chip away at your self esteem. Just as you are at your most vulnerable.

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