What to do?

[RainbowCushion]

I’ve fallen for my best friend (m). We’re very close, talk every day, tell each other everything etc. It got more and more intense in terms of the stuff we talked about but then last week he backed off a little, stopped replying to messages, so much so I even sent him a message to ask if he was ok. Then after a few days the regular contact started again.

But - yesterday I found out by accident he was on a couple of dates during the time he’d backed off that hadn’t ended up anywhere. Thinking back - this has happened more than once before, that he’s massively backed off and it’s coincided with his dating/meeting someone new.

Am I being used? I’m not sure how to play it now but it leaves me feeling quite bad.

What? So you're good enough to flirt with until someone else comes along? Come on, OP, raise your standards. He can't be that interested if others catch his eye and he's going hot and cold on you. Rise above him and stop being there whenever he waves his hands around for attention. Xx

I agree. Knock it on the head before he slaps you down again.
He can arrange dates with other women but can't move forward with you. He doesn't see you as good enough. To him you're just an ego boost and a time filler.
What an arse. I'd close him down. Try not to peek. He will try anything to pick you up again but it's because his ego won't be getting stroked. It won't be because it's you he misses x

Does he know you've fallen for him? Whenever both of you talk about things, do those things consist of relationship/ sexual matters? Do you come on too strong (inadvertently) hence him backing off as he probably doesn't see you as anything else other than best mates?

Perhaps you should start looking elsewhere to dating other than the man that sees you as a mate.

So to be fair, I don't think he's using you. I think he's blissfully unaware of how you feel.

My best friend is male and lives overseas . We talk over text most days and sometimes for hours (this is a 100% platonic friendship), however, we've both been guilty of ghosting the other one when life gets busy. We don't see it as a big deal as we are just friends and nothing more, but I totally understand how you feel.

OP I think it's time to talk to him?

Does he feel the same way? Does he know how you feel? If it's not reciprocated, then I would distance yourself a bit, as it may stop you meeting someone else (no-one will compare in your head). I say this from experience! I suspect when he goes awol when there's a girl on the scene, it is probably just him being busy/concerned that date may get suspicious/knows how you feel but doesn't want to hurt your feelings. My best friend was male, not one of my boyfriends liked him - every other male or female friend of mine liked him though! When I developed feelings for him, we became FWB for a bit, then friends again, then boyfriend/girlfriend and this cycle went on for ages. I backed off from him after realising that I unconsciously compared every one I dated to him and they all fell short. We wanted different things out of life that we wouldn't be able to successfully compromise on. Ironically, after I backed off, he opened up, we had the chat, our views on what we wanted from life aligned and we are now v happily together (hopefully forever) with 2 DC and another on the way.

It came up about six months ago and I said I had feelings then and he said that he didn't. I took a bit of space after that and it was quite awkward but we became close again over the winter esp as he got drunk and said he loved me just before Christmas. But then in the first week of Jan he backed away again because of a girl.

I don’t see what he’s done wrong. He’s told you he’s not interested, you need to back off

He's done wrong by giving the OP hope with his drunken declaration of love.

OP, you need to give it up - space from him was the right move and getting close again was a mistake.

Sorry OP but this is a non-starter. Keep him as a friend but get out there and date for yourself.

Do you work together?

Thanks. He’s pursued me quite a bit, always in touch, telling me nice things about myself etc. I guess I thought this time was different so the pull back feels worse.

Every morning I got a good morning message, messages into the evening etc then it stopped

He likes having you as a backburner, a safety net or ego boost then. You need to drop him as a friend, because he's not one.

Prioritising someone who treats you as an option is never a good look.