if you were a really late starter, how did you start dating?

[SuchASquare]

Did you meet someone or did you start OLD?

I've never had any sort of romantic relationship, even as a teenager, but I really want one. I'm 30 and I'm conscious that I do badly want a baby/family so I need to do something.

I signed up for Match but the profiles I saw seemed to be a) of men who were far too good-looking to consider me, b) distinctly strange men or c) men who I don't think I'd be attracted to (e.g. bad spelling, stunned tigers, pictured with a bottle of Mad Dog). I just want someone who is average looking, slightly geeky and kind.

Where do you start?! Tinder seems totally out of the equation.

I’m not a late starter but I am starting all over again at a similar age to you. I’ve met people in person by chance and also on tinder & bumble. OLD dating means you can easily meet a large number of people. Start by going on dates even if you’re not 100% sure, it’s all good experience and helps you work out which men are good and which are best avoided.

Gosh, all a bit 'in at the deep end' isn't it?

What interests do you have? I'd work on expanding an interest in something where you might meet eligible singletons. Local pub quiz team. Cycling club. Squash?

Do you have a close female friend you can go out with, you know, just to hang out in a pub or cinema. Just to get started.

Gosh, all a bit 'in at the deep end' isn't it?

Yes- trying to squish a good fifteen years' worth of relationship-experience into three years :(

My interests are totally dominated by women. I'd be hopeless at cycling in fact any physical activity is out.

I have close female friends and they've all found it so easy (or so it seems). I have watched them flirt etc and they just seem to smile and keep eye contact. I just go red and resort to monosyllables

I am reluctant to go on a date and be embarrassed or hurt, because I have no confidence whatsoever.

And none of your close friends know anyone to set you up with? Even if not a great match, any experience in going on dates would be useful.

You can work on confidence. Don't rule out those men you think are 'too attractive', remember they probably took 100 photos to find one that made them look good.
Ask your friends to set you up on a date with someone, that would be a good start to dating and you hopefully won't get any weirdos.
Don't put too much pressure on these relationships, try and find someone whose company you enjoy and see what happens.

I didn't start dating late but I did have to start all over again at 32 and it was scary as hell.

If I was you I wouldn't use tinder - I personally expect it would be far too scary unless you're an experienced dater or happy to just screw around. Yes people do start relationship on there but it seems incredibly fast paced.

I used POF which didn't seem very scary. But I do think you shouldn't go on any dates until you're 100% sure that person is the right sort of person for you. Don't go on dates with people you think seem 'alright'.
If they're not your 'type' of person ie: they can't spell, as you've mentioned irritates you then move along as they'll only be a disappointment.

Please be careful of jumping in too quickly. If you decide to use online dating, be aware it is so much more intense than meeting someone 'normally' and you tend to feel you know someone well when you really don't due to the fast paced messaging and oversharing that's expected.

don't go on dates with people you think seem 'alright

I was wondering about that. It seems selfish but I feel like I've waited this long, I might as well wait a bit longer until I find someone I really like.

Ask your friends to set you up on a date with someone

Here comes my excuse again... I'm too embarrassed to ask them. They've never offered and I am so self conscious about being so bloody weird.

I know I'm making it worse for myself by putting it off and off because it's not solving the problem, and I can't kick myself out of my rut.

I was a late starter. I decided in the year I was 30, I was going to meet someone. My strategy was saying yes to every social opportunity I had and being a bit more assertive about getting contact details for any man I found even vaguely attractive on first meeting. I wasn’t necessarily looking for a long term relationship, but like you, felt like my chance for a family was going to slip away if I didn’t make an effort and get dating!! That was in 2011. I met DH in May 2011 at a friends birthday party, and we got together at the same friend’s wedding reception in the September! We moved in together a year later and married in 2014. I’m now 29 weeks pregnant with our second child. Prior to that, my longest relationship had been under 3 weeks. I know it’s not the same for everyone, but for me, changing my mindset was massive. I hope you have similar success OP.

My husband was a late starter, a virgin until late-twenties. We met when he was 39 and he’d given up all hope of ever having a loving partner/children. He’d gone on lots of OLD dates but they’d never seen his lovely decency as when he’s nervous he makes appalling jokes and tbh he’s also a geek...perfect match as so am I! I didn’t think I stood a chance with him as he’s tall, dark and handsome and apparently he didn’t think he stood a chance with me either! Anyway, we’ve now been together years, have children and have a truly lovely relationship. So...I would say...get out and try things, try OLD, join an evening class (non-female-dominated interest) or a pub quiz, ask your friends re dates - how are they meant to know you’d be interested in their suggestions unless you say? Live is too short not to give things a go!

I was in your shoes, OP. Online dating wasn't a big thing back then, but I'd had a couple of disastrous blind dates arranged by friends.

But then my DB and a friend of his met my now DH on a walking holiday and thought he would be a good match for me as we had similar interests. He wrote a message on a postcard they were sending to me, giving me his email address. I had no reason to think it would lead to anything, but thought it was worth sending him an email. We met for the first time a month later. 16 years on, we're still together and now have 2 adopted DDs (10 and 7 this month).

If I hadn't written that first email, nothing would have happened.

I'd be inclined to do something like pub quiz or night class or something rather than hurl yourself into online dating.

And your friends are being respectful by not offering to set you up - they don't want to offend you or imply that you mustn't be single. So, you need to tell them that you'd be up for it.

Is it normal to be so afraid of it all?

I suspect thst you didn't have brothers or male friends OP? I think it would benefit you to just spend more time in the company of men before dating, as you have inadvertently put them into a different group (separate species? 😊)
Join some classes/meetup groups that interest you, where there are likely to be men (languages/walking etc) and aim to chat and make friends with the men there. After that, it will be easier to move into dating.

Just relax. Go online and start off with a chat and see if you find someone you have things in common with.
I have dated lots in my past and was a single mum, I always went for the wrong men. I met my husband on a dating site, but before him I met in person with or had phone calls/ text chats with some really nice people from online dating. That made me see the qualities I wanted in a partner. There is no pressure and these things can't be forced or rushed.

I was a late starter too. Working as I did in my early 20s in a mainly female environment and with people all in relationships themselves did not help any. Had no love life and not much of a social life either (my female friends were not into clubbing and in their own way were socially isolated too). One of my work colleagues did let it slip to a man who did fancy me that I was single so he asked me out, problem was he was too old for me so I declined. Life as it was then made me feel quite lonely and I did feel isolated. One thing that did help my lack of a social life was a night class; that was fun to do but there was no romance.

Things did change but I was the driving force behind that. I joined a dating agency (online dating did not exist 30 years ago) and talked to men that way.

Why do you have no confidence whatsoever, where did all that start with you?. Why do you feel so afraid of it all?.

Just like you OP, I have a total lack of relationship experience, except I am now on the cusp of 40...

It is not normal to be so afraid of it all, I have had an OLD profile for months now but literally cannot bring myself to actually swipe right on anyone. I started seeing a therapist a couple of months ago to talk about this (and other things), but it has not helped much yet.

I'm amused and frustrated in equal measure by all the posters suggesting that you "just" need to go on dates and get experience, it might be the truth, but it is not helpful at all to be reminded of how easy other people seem to find it to do.

I was pretty nervous about it all OP, but came to the point where I was more scared of not having children (to be very honest).

The thing is, what have you got to lose?