Unsure about what to do . But think I know .

[Homer101]

Hi all.
I have made a couple of posts about the debt that my wife has gotten herself into .
Some of you may have read them and remember but some of you may not have Done . So in brief . She acted as garrentee for a neighbors loan with amigo loans . The total amount took out was £7000 but become of non payment of the loan this went up . I don’t know how much to went up too but six months ago the loan stood at £7500 . We seem to have been paying the monthly payment of £280 each month for close on 12 months . I didn’t know about any of this . I found found out as we kept running out of money . Well we are still paying it . The people who took the loan out haven’t paid anything for months. Things were not great between my wife and I before . But things were bad . As you can imagine things have been strained since I found out about this loan . Plus on top of this over the last few months more and more debt that she has , has come to light . Overdrafts , five grand split between two credit cards . Store cards too . I don’t know dull amouts. I also don’t believe I know everything . Or just how much . We are broke . The joint account is empty and has been since the 5th . We both don’t get paid till the end of the month . So god knows what we are going to do .
I should have left / wanted to leave months ago I think . But I love my two primary school aged daughters . Twins . Both in year six . This year to have to buy new uniforms for secondary school . Plus all the other stuff . Don’t know how we are going to do it as there’s not even enough money to last the month let alone buying any extras .
I’ve had enough . The last few months have destroyed my own mental health, which I did admit and I did seek help from the doctors . I’ve started treatment . I’m going to have some councilling I’m also reading up on mindfulness and trying to help myself but my anxiety is still really bad because of what’s going on . I want out . I’ve had enough . But I feel so guilty because of my girls . I have no savings to start again .
I have a brother who I could go and stay with . But I’m 39 starting again seems such a big step ! But I know I can’t carry on.
My wife doesn’t or won’t admit to this debt to being a problem and won’t talk about it . Just says there’s no talking to you . But I don’t have any answers and I’m worried about it. She just thinks it’s one of those things and we will just keep paying someone else’s debt because that’s all we can do at the moment .
I’m lost . I’m scard and I don’t trust my own thoughts at the moment as to what to do , leave stay , pay don’t pay . It just seems to get worse as every month passes.

She should be the one to leave.

Pie , your probably right . But I don’t see that happening . Plus the girls move their mum. I couldn’t pack her stuff and turf it out. Her leaving has never crossed my mind tbh.

As you said- you know you need to leave. Maybe it will prompt change? I don’t know but surely the debt with neighbour needs sorting with them? Seems mental they get away with it?!

I know this isn't particularly helpful but I'd stop having your wage paid into the joint account... If you can separate your finances that might help a little, it might give you a bit more control (and allow you to pay for your girls' uniforms). As I read it, you didn't sign up as guarantor too so your contribution to family money should not be paying that loan off. Good luck, it sounds like a really difficult situation.

Then I'd not share finances with her. This is her lookout.

By the sounds of it, if you leave she will spend the child maintenance money on everything but the children. To provide for the children you have to be the primary carer. She leaves.

I believe that if we Devore, which would be many months down the road anyway . The debt would become debt of the marriage and I’d be liable for half of it anyway . And if she didn’t pay her half they would come after me for the full amount . That’s what I think is correct .

The neighbors, they can not afford the loan . I think they did it deliberately. She’s a push over let’s shit on her . That sort of thing .
I don’t know how to go about even getting them to pay some of it . Legally she has to pay if the other people don’t . Legally it’s her loan . The other people can still afford to smoke and have a drink in the pub it seems. But not even pay some towards their loan.
It’s a bad situation. One I do not see a way out of .

We own our house with a mortgage.
The neighbors tent theirs . I’m also guess they have help to pay their rent and council tax . The bloke works full time min pay factory job. She doesn’t work . Both in their 50s kids grown up .

Sorry to hear that you're in this situation. You need a plan, mate. Here's a starter:

1. Take immediate steps to separate your finances. Open a single account, and have your income paid into it. Do not allow your wife access to this account - she cannot know your online banking passwords or anything.

1. Make arrangements to pay joint bills - the mortgage / rent / utilities etc. That could be by both of you paying an agreed amount into the joint account, or she could pay you the required amount. Do not pay it to her.

1. Inform your wife that payments for her debts must be taken from another account. She needs to open an account from which to service the debt. Doing that usher responsibility. If you want to help her in some way, pay her a set amount into her account to help her out. Do not allow her unfettered access to your money.

1. Instruct the bank where you have the joint account to remove any overdraft facility. Give them a list of the payments that you do not agree, and ask them to block those payments. This will force your wife to take action.

1. Check if any of the debts are in joint names. You are liable for those, but not the ones in your wife's name. If she has taken any out jointly, she may have committed fraud.

1. Ensure that the house is held as tenants in common, rather than joint tenants. That secures your share of the asset from her creditors (although potentially not if she goes bankrupt in the short term).

1. Speak to the neighbours about their debt. If they will not pay, instruct a solicitor to see if they can help force them to pay.

And, ideally, while all of that is going on:

Start divorce proceedings. She's essentially stealing from you. She won't discuss it. This isn't a partnership. She's a leech. Don't leave the house. That will give her the upper hand in divorce proceedings. You are going to have to play hard ball. Your opening bid is that you keep the house, and have primary residence of the children.

It's really hard, I know. And I know you are worried about your kids. But, right now, she's screwing up their future. You can barely afford uniforms for them. Wait until university calls, or they need their first car, or a hand getting onto the property ladder. Kids can thrive after divorce. But, to do that, they need you to stable, reliable and predictable. You can't do that when your wife is dragging you down into the abyss.

I don’t think the girls would live with me Full time . They live their mum and really do miss her if she goes out on a evening . Even crying sometimes.
I don’t really care about the house . She can have it if she wants . I’m not even sure if I could afford to run the house and pay the mortgage in my own . She dose earn more than I do . I have thought about bankruptcy. It’s probably going to be the only way to deal with all the debt long term . I can’t see the neighbors ever paying . The loan is high interest. It was for 7500 , we have been paying 280 every month for close on 12 months . The loan has only had 500 paid off it so far . So 7000 still owing . We have paid close on 3000 in payments . They paid the loan for just over 12 months before hand . It was taken out in 2016 . So they owe us 3000 in what we have paid and then 7000 on the loan . Every month they owe more money . They can’t afford it . They have no assets . They don’t even have a car any more . From what I know the TV , fridge freezer and cooker are rented from brighhouse . So a bailiff wouldn’t even have anything to take I’d the courts sent one !

OP, the correct place to get advice about the debt is Citizens Advice or one of the debt advisory services - Christians Against Poverty for example are exactly the sort of people you need to talk to and no, you don't need to be religious to use the excellent services. Not a forum on relationships. I really suggest that you do something active about this, because you are in a muddle and seem set on staying muddled. You need proper advice so that you are informed about your options regarding the debt.

You don't as yet seem to even know if it is in fact a joint debt or if it is solely your wife's debt, or if in fact it is your neighbours debt and it is they who have to be declared bankrupt. Why are you so sloppy about getting this sorted out? Knowledge is power. Get yourself properly financially and legally advised so that you can protect your children.

You need to get that sorted so that you can start to think clearly about the options for your relationship. You cannot tackle this huge mountain of a problem all at once. It is too overwhelming. Chip away, bit by bit, and the way forward will become clear.

Personally my advice would be that you leave, she won't even talk to you about it and it's a pretty big deal, you're struggling to pay off debts she has built up and she won't even talk to you about it and let u know the extent of it. Your girls will love you no matter xx

What does she spend the money on? Clothes? Gambling?

Of course your DDs love their mum. Children are basically born programmed to love any parent in the immediate vicinity. But do you really think giving primary residence to someone who is so feckless is the right thing for them?!

Ford , no I don’t think that my wife would cope as primary parent with out me around. Which might just be the shock to the system that she needs .

The debts are in her name . All of them . But I sure that in Devore they become debts of the marriage like assists become assists of the marriage. So I’d end up taking half of them on. Yes I do need some legal advice around the debt. I have done some reading but some of it has confused me and I think having someone sit down with me and talk me though it would be best . Or a phone conversation about it all .

It was the relationship that I came for help with really . Not the debt .
I’ve been reading this bord for a few months now . God know how some of you women put up with shit men for so long . It’s fantastic when I read that you have gotten out of the relationship. It’s been quite an eye opener really !

Ok I flipped and left . I tried to talk to her about the loan for the mortgage they people and she wouldn’t talk about it . We can’t aford to pay it . But she’s unleillung to talk about it go try and move forward or to get advice about it .
Looks like things are over , but that doesn’t solve the debt problem . Personally I think the only way out is bankrupty

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=1839539 this may help with aCO. but you really need legal advice

At you sure she really is the guarantor for a neighbours loan? Or has she got a secret gambling problem or something that she’s spent the money on herself that she knows you’d freak about so she made the guarantor thing up to make it look like she’s naive so you won’t be angry?
You do need legal advice ASAP. If you still have a half decent credit score you could get an interest free credit loan over 3 years to pay off the amigo loan. (Those payday loans are like over a thousand %APR, nightmare) If you want to help her or indeed help yourself if the debt will fall to you because of legalities about you being married to her. I don’t know. You need to know the legalities. You could split finances from her and she goes bankrupt and takes the hit.

Don’t do that ‘I don’t want the house’ thing. Everyone does that and five years down the line they regret it and wish they’d not been so complacent. Especially when kids are involved. You need to take steps to minimise the risk to your family’s security. I wouldn’t trust her with any money or direct debits at all if there is the slightest hint she can’t manage money properly. But again, you need legal advice first ASAP.

If the loan is one of those high interest loans which have a crazy rate, can't you get a regular loan out the bank to pay it off? It'd surely work out better. You could also get it over 5+ years so it won't be so much. Declaring bankruptcy over £7,000 might not be worth it in the long term.