Is this controlling behaviour?

[Helmlover1]

Sorry if this sounds so petty but I’m very upset and could do with some advice.

My partner and I took a day off together today to go for a nice meal and a walk around a park. Anyway, we had lunch however it started raining so went to an indoor retail park instead. Now, I’ve been talking about getting some new jeans for a while and before we got out of the car my partner started pointing out clothes shops for potential new jeans. I said however I wasn’t bothered about those shops and I would just get some jeans another time, not really thinking it was a big deal. However my partner just suddenly seem to turn on me saying I was too picky, that I never do anything I say I will and that he was really irritated by the situation- I actually thought he was joking (it’s a pair of jeans for God’s sake!) but he was really angry- his face was red and he was swearing, calling me all the names under the sun.

I responded by telling him he was controlling and that my decision to buy clothes has nothing to do with him, which made the situation worse tbh. My partner then told me that I’d ruined the day and caused bad feeling.

I know this sounds so stupid but what are people’s thoughts on this? My partner is usually a really nice person and I’ve never seen him ‘turn’ on me like this before, totally out of the blue.

It’s controlling and very worrying - he was insulting you, calling you abusive names and had become red in the face and angry? Over nothing?!

How long have you been together? This won’t stop here. You’ll see the angry unreasonable aggressive side of him many more times, with more and more frequency and intensity, the longer you’re with him.

It's very strange behaviour.

If I said to my partner/husband (when he pointed out some shops to get something I had been talking about wanting, needing whatever) "don't worry, i'll get them another time,bits not urgent" he would accept that with no issue whatsoever.

Because it is a non issue.

How long have you been in a relationship with him.

he was really angry- his face was red and he was swearing, calling me all the names under the sun.

I didn't even take in this part - fairly abusive really, a bit disturbing.

Got to admit, dp will say 'let's go here I need something, then say he isn't that bother and it really annoys me.

This is the strange thing, we have been together 5 years and I’ll be honest he can be controlling on occasions but over very minor things ie. he gets irritated by the way I stack dishes or use the wrong knife for cutting veg- things we can actually laugh about, but I’ve never seen him turn nasty like that before. He has been stressed at work a bit lately so wonder if maybe that has something to do with it, not that’s it’s an excuse

Sorry, I wouldn't get ragey though.

The fact that he didn't see wrong in his reaction later and decided to blame you, saying you'd ruined the day and caused the bad feeling - I'd say that was manipulative controlling behaviour. You are right to be upset, don't doubt your feelings.

Are you happy to continually be told you're doing everything "wrong" it being screamed at when you don't jump at his suggestions??

Jesus Christ that would last about two minutes with me before I bound up his mouth with duck tape.

Fuck that.

I know what you are saying. I’m currently sitting in my room by myself whilst he is downstairs and he hasn’t even apologised. The atmosphere is awful and I don’t know what to do.

If you've had to ask, you know it is!!!

It sounds like there's something going on thats not just to do with the jeans...when he says you never do anything you say you will perhaps there are other things he is being irritated by that you are doing..maybe ask him what they are...or he may be stressed by another issue completely unrelated to you...is he under stress about some other issue?

Sounds like he was 'trying' to do something nice for you and take the opportunity in a retail park to get something for you that you've been wanting . And he got frustrated because you dismissed it. I understand why, for you, spending time together is more important, but for him, he wanted to come away having achieved something and to make you happy by buying you jeans, and treating you would have been a good day out !

Oh no, I would have been buying them myself as he never buys me anything!

I couldn’t live with someone like that. Life is too short. I bet he won’t apologize he will just expect you to get over it. I’ve had two relationships with anger issues. It just gets worse. Sorry OP.

Is he acting strange? Has he mentioned a headache? Has he suddenly changed his personality? If any of this is a yes I would seek medical attention.

I think your 'normal' is different to what most of us responding here would consider normal when it comes to your OH's behaviour. I bet if you were to list the things he did/said, it would be very clear that he is controlling.

You’d frustrate the hell out of me but, it’s a massive overreaction on his part

Nugget you’re frustrated by people who don’t do what you tell them to?

The OP can buy jeans, not buy jeans, want some from one shop and not another, then change her mind, and frustration isn’t ever going to be any kind of a reasonable response.

I don't think one occasion in five years constitutes a problem with anger. Yes, it was over the top, but there is probably more to it, which has added to the frustration he feels about you going on about something yet never going it.