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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Concerns about a friends daughter-do I tell friend?

15 replies

TheLastNigel · 08/03/2019 15:04

Dd1 has been friends with this girl since nursery-They are now 13-Im good friends with her Mum.
The girls home life is a bit chaotic at times-she has witnessed some domestic violence -her dad moved out but there are still frequent rows between him and her Mum that she sees too much of.Her Mum has been known to have a bit too much to drink fairly frequently and I've tried to address this with her with no luck. Until she admits she has a problem there will be no helping her really.

There have been rumours about the girl starting to experiment with drink and vaping these last few months. Her insta is concerning-lots of verging on the inappropriate pictures of her.She has now told dd2 (who is also friendly with her but is in the year below)that she has slept with a boy that she has been seeing these last few months.(Dd1 also aware but hasn't told me).

I absolutely love this girl like she's one of my own. I can see why she would be doing this stuff-what she needs most is a bit of attention and a bit of help to work through the stuff she has seen.

I don't 100% know that she has slept with this boy but I wouldn't say it was unlikely.

Do I tell her Mum what I've heard (she will probably shoot the messenger a bit but that doesn't really matter)? I just somehow want to make sure the girl is ok without treading on anyone's toes (if I asked her directly dd1 would go mad at me-She'd see it as me interfering with her friendships etc in her typically 13 year old way). Really I just want to give the girl a big hug and a bit of advice from someone whose been there (I was a bit wild at this age too) and check she is safe.

What to do?

OP posts:
Etino · 08/03/2019 15:13

If mum finds out it’s unlikely to be the crap parenting wake up she needs and that would be the only reason for telling her.
Support the girl and support your dds so that they can be friends to her but not emulate her. Flowers

YogaWannabe · 08/03/2019 15:34

I would support the girl directly in this case, I wouldn’t care about stamping on toes.

I had a similar homelife at this age and one of my friends mothers was absolutely incredible. I am so grateful to her to this day.

EvaHarknessRose · 08/03/2019 15:54

As there are rumours and stuff on insta, I would confidentially tell her school. They won’t be able to tell you what happens, but they could eg get the school nurse to see her or offer some extra support.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 08/03/2019 17:30

This is a safeguarding issue. Tell the school, so that they can work with Social Services to wrap whatever support is needed around this family. However well intentioned you are, it sounds like professional support is needed.

Original poster
TheLastNigel · 08/03/2019 18:04

They wouldn't consider it a safeguarding issue. (I work in social services). The Police were aware of the DV-the man has moved out, the wife wouldn't press charges-they don't class it as an immediate risk.
Unfortunately underage sex and a mum drinking too much on a weekend don't constitute enough of a risk to be considered under safeguarding anymore, awful as it seems. There is no evidence the girl has been coerced-boy is same age and no grooming etc involved.

I think I will chat to dd1 tonight and see what she says about wether it's 100% true or not. She will find it an uncomfortable conversation but tough. The girl is often at mine and I'd like to think she knows she could come to me if she were in trouble but at this point she never would I don't think-she's in her own little world and would like that maturity of thought-plus she'd be worried I'd tell her Mum as we are friends also.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLastNigel · 08/03/2019 18:05

Pastoral at school might be a good shout actually...

OP posts:
Musti · 08/03/2019 18:07

It doesn't sound too dissimilar to my situation and I would appreciate it if my friend told me.

MMmomDD · 08/03/2019 19:34

But you don’t have anything concrete or actionable to tell.
And you sound judgy of the mom - who seems to be strug

YogaWannabe · 08/03/2019 19:36

And you sound judgy of the mom

And rightly so by the sounds of it

Original poster
TheLastNigel · 08/03/2019 20:19

The mum is my good friend. Who is struggling. I'm not judgey in the slightest. But I am at the point of of realisation that nothing I can say or do will help her until she recognises that she has an issue.
I have and will Continue to support her, listen to her, ease her load with the kids when I can , and defend her against the many other people that put her down-but that doesn't mean I can't recognise that her daughter might need a bit of help now, that she isn't able to give. And I just don't know how best to go about it within my relationship with her as my friend and her daughter as a kid I care about, my DD's friend, my friends daughter....

I do judge her dad though. Who is a prize dickhead. And who also has a responsibility to his kids that he doesn't in any way discharge.

OP posts:
Dieu · 08/03/2019 20:54

It's so obvious from your post that you care very deeply for the girl Thanks And you don't sound judgey of the mum, but she is secondary in all of this (so really, who cares if you do?!), and the girl comes first. It doesn't sound like the mum will be much use in this scenario, but school would be a good shout.
She is lucky to have you.

MMmomDD · 08/03/2019 23:31

OP - sorry I posted before actually making a point.
Your friend seems to be struggling and in a bad place.
And given that - and the situation - will most likely not be able to act on the information. Which is hearsay at the moment, and also just not very actionable.
If confronted by mom - the girl will deny and shut down. And will isolate herself even more.

All you can do is just continue being a friend to her. And a supportive adult to the daughter.

pudding21 · 09/03/2019 08:36

Speak to the girl and your daughter. My best friend at school had a difficult home life although she actually kept a lot of it from me u til we got a lot older. She started to go off the rails a little bit and now aged 40, she credits my mum and having a safe place as saving her teenage years. She told me recently she felt like she’d have never got by if it wasn’t for my mum and family.

You sound lovely.

pusspuss9 · 09/03/2019 08:53

And you sound judgy of the mom
We all make judgements every minute of every day. Is the coffee too hot to drink? Is that person walking naked down the road in need of help?

If you make no judgements you are a moron with no brain. Even if you think Ok that person has done something that seems stupid but they may have their reasons - that is STILL a judgement.

This judgemental buzzword really pi%%es me off.

user14869556378 · 09/03/2019 10:01

I was a wild child and I'd much rather chat about it with someone who wasn't my mum. If you think it may be of benefit, I'd chat to the girl direct. Or just start with a few comments - you know I care about you, am always here for you, you can talk to me in confidence etc. Include her in your family activities

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