Am I a heartless monster?

[UnexpectedButExpected]

I fully expect to be judged negatively and flamed for this but I don’t know what to do and am looking for other people’s experiences and advice on this.

I’ve been dating a man for nearly 8 months. He is kind, loving, intelligent and we care about each other very much.

Right from the start though, the physical side of things was a bit of an issue in that he only seemed to want sex every other weekend and even then, I had a nagging sense that I was more out of “duty” than genuine libido.

i gently brought up the issue over the course of a few months and last night he finally admitted that he has health problems which affects his libido although not his romantic feelings or need for in the form of cuddles.

I don’t want to end the relationship because we are so good together in so many ways. But the truth is that I know it will cause resentment in the long run.

I feel like an absolute monster for effectively punishing him for something that is out of his control. But I can’t help feeling in my heart of hearts that I need a sexually fulfilling relationship as much he needs a partner who loves him beyond sex.

WWYD?

That should have read: need for intimacy in the fit of cuddles.

You are not being heartless in the slightest. 8 months Is no time at all. You deserve more, so walk.

What are his health problems?
I think I'd need to understand that first.
But..... you are totally right in your thinking.
If it's not working for you due to lack of sex, then it's not working for you.
You want something he can't give you so it's best to end things.

Not heartless at all! You've been honest with him and yourself. It wouldn't be fair on him or you to stay in a relationship where you're feeling resentful.
I know that some people can develop romantic feelings for a new partner even without the sexual spark, but I can't.

What are his health problems?

I’d rather not say as it’s quite outing but it’s permanent though not life threatening.

In a way though, it doesn’t matter what the health issue is other than it prevents us from having a regular sex life.

Thank you for not flaming me

Still feel rotten though

Don't be me. Walk. Sorry.

There are plenty of women who aren't that fussed about sex who he could be with. It's just an area you aren't compatible in, and if that makes you unhappy then it's not worth carrying on.

Not trying to pry OP, just wondered if it was something he could get help with but isn't doing so.
It sounds like it's not that though.
So in this case, please look out for yourself.
You get one shot at this life.
Live the way you want to!

The last thing you are is heartless or a monster! Your feelings are perfectly valid. It's soul destroying when you're a good fit ... except in bed. And it's even worse if you genuinely fancy the person!

Personally I think if there is no real sex at the beginning then it's better to be mates. He's looking for companionship, affection, and you're looking for something else. It simply indicates you're not compatible

You’re not compatible sexually, to me that’s one of the biggest things that differentiates between friends and lovers so as it’s sich early days, I’d walk.

I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone with life long health problems tbh. If you don’t think you can cope with the lack of sex then it’s best you end it now.

Does no intercourse mean nothing, does he try other things?

Cuddles wouldn’t do it for me either, you should find someone more compatible.
You are not a bar person x

I'm going against the majority here, but it sounds like you want to not be with him because of a side affect of a medical condition. I wouldn't call you a monster but how would you feel if it was the other way round.

I'm going against the majority here, but it sounds like you want to not be with him because of a side affect of a medical condition. I wouldn't call you a monster but how would you feel if it was the other way round.

She's entitled to not want to be with him for any reason at all. It isn't like she made a commitment to him and then he got a medical condition and she's running off. She is at the stage of trying to figure out whether she could commit to him or not. Mis-matched sex drives, not liking his mother, not liking his job, not liking his nose, not being mad about his dog, not wanting to be a step-mother, discovering he collects star wars memorabilia - any reason is enough if it bothers her.

Thank you @pallisers. You’ve absolutely got where I am right now. We’re still dating, not living together or married. I don’t want to keep him hanging if I know the lack of sex is ultimately a dealbreaker. It almost doesn’t come into it that it’s a side effect of a medical condition or just a low sex drive. The result is the same.

You are not compatible. There should be no moral judgement involved.

Also this is only going to get worse isn’t it. You are not compatible and have only been together 8 months. My sister dumped someone once because of their taste in shoes. You have no obligation to him. I’d run a mile.

I agree @MsTSwift. I think the reason I’m feeling guilty is because his previous relationship ended for similar reasons and he’s such a good guy and it’s really unfair that he has these issues. And that’s why I feel like a monster for leaving him over lack of sex, not because he isn’t a really decent man. However I don’t doubt for a moment that he’ll meet someone far better for him than I could ever be.

You are not a monster. I would walk away. There are times I wish I had when I had the chance.

Thank you @Pinkprincess1977
What do you mean when you say you wish you’d walked away when you had a chance? Are you still with him? Sorry if that seems prying, just picking up from your post that’s all.