dp has just really upset me.

[wrinklytum]

We are currently waiting a special needs assessment for dd.

Appears she has some learning disabilities,probably CP,she does not stand unaided,has quite jerky dyskinetic movements,not much language.

After a long time worrying the hv finally saw that dd had not progressed at all on Friday.He cofirmed my suspicions that it looked like she had suffered some kind of brain injury,dunno how or why as I had uncomplicated pregnancy and fast but seemingly uncomplicated birth.(Cord round neck and meconium in waters but scored ok on Apgar test)

Dp went out and got completely hammered on Friday night.Wants to seemingly avoid discussing dd.Today he took us both out for a lovely meal where sat near us was another little girl about dds age.I just couldn't stop the tears rolling down my face.Dp got fed up that I was crying,and we ended up snapping at each other in the restaurant.

Anyway tonight he told me that if we had had dd as our first child he would probably not have wanted another.I was so upset.Poor dd,so she is never going to be "normal"but she is still our gorgeous little girl.I don't know what to say to him.He is still being very loving to dd but he seems to be avoiding me.He is now stood in the kitchen,getting drunk,again.

Oh I'm so sorry you are feeling so down wt. He is taking it badly,and that is understandable, but he still should be thinking of you and your dd too! When you are finally assessed, you may find it helps, right now he is probably thinking the worst, instead of thinking about ohw fab her life can still be, he is focusing on the negatives (which is understandable but not helpful).

Awww - I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I haven't got any direct experience but my first thought is that if the news is so recent to both of you, you're reacting and coping with it in different ways. Your dp doesn't not love your dd, he just doesn't know what to think about it all - it's good he can express scary thoughts to you in a way.

Sorry - just trying to see at a distance that it sounds like you're both in pain and I'm so sorry.

Unfortunately it sounds like his way of dealing with his feelings. ie, he doesnt know how to deal with them, he probably feels angry, sad, useless etc.
He sounds heartbroken like you tbh. (sad)
Maybe once you have a proper diagnosis it will help as you will both have something to focus on and work on.
Sorry not much use at this, couldnt leave your post just hanging though.

This is all so new that your DP is just venting his feelings through drink. I would expect this to settle down in a day or two. Does your DP usually find it difficult to talk things through?

This is very recent big sad news. It's normal (IME) for couples to argue and have upsets around a child's disability. It's hard for you both. Re the restaurant incident, well, he was out for a lovely evening. You couldn't help your response, but he was understandably upset and annoyed by it. re the comment, I've said similar and I love my ds so, so much. It will get better. This is the hardest time.

wrinklytum,

Your situation is not uncommon; many men go into denial or act similarly when presented with something outside their previous realm of experience.

It sounds like your partner is grieving but fact is that she is still your daughter regardless of any disability and you can see that. He is afraid of what the future holds for her; he likely feel that she has no future.

You both need support and understanding. Have you been given any concrete information as to organisations that can help you as a family?.

I would also suggest that you post on the Special Needs forum of this particular site if you have not already looked there or done so. There are many on there who could help you.

for you all. Sounds like he is trying to take it all in and grieve for what might have been whilst being a big strong man at the same time. Horrible time for you both. Keep communication channels open but respect his need to sort it out in his own head first.
If it's any help, we were like this when dd1 first had her issues raised. This initial feeling of helplessness and grief is awaful. It does pass into a more proactive "what can we do" phase which is better but it takes time.

Waiting for assessment and the possibility of a diagnosis is a painful and difficult time. Everyone handles it differently.

You will both be hurting. In an ideal world couples would pull together at times like this, but the reality is that dealing with our own feelings and confusion is all we can manage.

Try to be kind to yourself and each other

take care

he is pretty much just snapping through the drink. the snapping at you in a restaurant thing i can understand as a man, not to justify it, but to explain it.
as a man whose missus' is quick to shed tears i can see the frustration of the scenario you mentioned.my missus will cry at anything sad movies,romantic gestures etc and as most men would do in that situation i feel it my duty to comfort her etc, which i love doing as it makes me feel like a better person and useful to her.
however she will also cry when she has done something wrong and knows i'll be upset (not in anyway saying you did this) and when something happens that puts both of us in a difficult situation (this is where i'm possibly referring to your situation). the problem with this is for me, and maybe your husband, is that despite the fact that both of you are facing the challenge together your being visably upset may make him feel angry at you as he is now expected to comfort you and forget his own pain when he himself is obviously looking for help and sympathy or the right to be angry and not think of others for a while.
i'm not saying he is right or wrong or that you are expecting him to comfort him, i'm just trying to help give an insight as to what he may be thinking as it is possibly how i would react.
hopefully it will pass soon and he can concentrate on your kid.

Well,dp eventually "cracked "last night.A colleague at work who has a dd with SN rang me,bless her,to offer her support and I think DP heard my chat with her,about all the issues I had struggled with over the past few days.When I got off the phone I found him sat in the living room with tears streaming down his face.We both ended up sat there crying,but I think on the whole it has made us feel better to both have a good weep.

I hope you are able to be really open and mututally supportive with each other now he's "cracked" it must be a very difficult time for all of you, hugs.

Thanks

People react in very different ways to news like this. If your dp is sharing his worst, blackest thoughts, you have to try support him and try not to judge him during these first horrid weeks

if he still feels like this in a few months then there is more of a problem and counselling might be a solution

but this is a terrible time when your dp's view of his life is changing. I know that it is equally hard for you - my dd has CP so I know how hard it is to first get your head around this.

Maybe accepting what he is feeling now is the only way to not let it destroy you as a couple. As I said people's reactions are different and nothing about your dp's reaction strikes me as anything other than an understandable reaction to such shock and hurt

This is a really difficult time and you have to try and treat one another with understanding and acceptance

Thanks Cappucino,I think I have been in shock for a few days,as has dp poor guy.We are treating dd just the same and are determined to do the best we can for her as she really is a lovely girl.Today I took ds and dd to a local attraction and we had a lovely time.There is a little childrens play area and dd was in her element bumshuffling after the other children,giving them her huge grins and shreiking "gaaaaaaaaa" excitedly at them.I am looking at the positives,she can bottomshuffle,whichm ust surely be a good sign,and she has plenty of understanding and is such a happy little girl

Thanks Cappucino,I think I have been in shock for a few days,as has dp poor guy.We are treating dd just the same and are determined to do the best we can for her as she really is a lovely girl.Today I took ds and dd to a local attraction and we had a lovely time.There is a little childrens play area and dd was in her element bumshuffling after the other children,giving them her huge grins and shreiking "gaaaaaaaaa" excitedly at them.I am looking at the positives,she can bottomshuffle,whichm ust surely be a good sign,and she has plenty of understanding and is such a happy little girl

Ooops,posted twice,sorry!

wrinklytum if you ever want to cat me to chat feel free