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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wanking addiction?

20 replies

underthe · 08/03/2019 10:50

My boyfriend of 5 years has told me he's been wanking a lot? He said it's his addiction 🤦‍♀️ only told me after I found porn and adult sites on his phone fake email just full of porn 😭 he's lied about it for the whole relationship, he said hes done it for years as long as he can remember, I always thought his sex drive was low and it's because of this, he would do it when I'm in the house looking after the kids in the morning before work, I feel like I'm not good enough for him!
I'm not sure what to do, I'm at a lost. We have been arguing over it for nearly 4 weeks now, he said he hasn't done it from the day I found out and I believe him he's so different more awake if that makes sense, wanting to kiss cuddle more have sex more. and he's sorry and he feel bad ect he says he love me but why would he do this? he's got rid of his phone, (. Never asked him to ) and said he will change and I can see he's been trying, helping out more not going straight up to the bathroom when home from work. but I don't trust him, can you rebuild trust,
I know most men wank and that's no the problem! He's lied so much, he done it when I could of done with the help from him but he's been doing! I'm so hurt

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 08/03/2019 10:53

he says he love me but why would he do this?

Because for a lazy person, a wank is a lot less effort than sex. No partner that needs to be satisfied.

Is he the father of your children?

maximumcarnage · 08/03/2019 10:53

Sorry little perplexed here. Is your objection to his porn habbit or relieving himself?

underthe · 08/03/2019 10:54

Yes we have 2under 2 and I have a son that's he brought up to, x

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underthe · 08/03/2019 10:58

@maximumcarnage tbh it's both, he was paying for the porn that hurts even more am not to sure why! Hurts that I always try it on with him and I get told no and now I know why! He said he didn't release how bad it's got until we was taking about it. He said he would do it shut it down and wouldn't think anything about how it would make me feel

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maximumcarnage · 08/03/2019 11:15

Ah okay, not I understand. Have you discussed getting help with this? Getting therapy to treat it? If he says it's a problem, an addiction, surely he must be in the process of, or actually getting some help for this?

maximumcarnage · 08/03/2019 11:15

*now

Arnoldthecat · 08/03/2019 11:18

Why would he pay for porn?? its free of charge isnt it... Was he paying for something more specialised like one to ones with webcam girls?

underthe · 08/03/2019 11:20

He said he he finds it easier now I know, and he said he hasn't done it for the 4 weeks we have argued about it, i think it's more, but he said it just sometimes always done! There was loads of websites more then just porn that also has charting bits on there webcams ect but he said he just used them for porn, is this something to end the relationship over?

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underthe · 08/03/2019 11:21

He's not a very confident man, so I don't think he would use webcam am I'm always home, when he's home we only have a little house, so I think I would hear him and in his bank it was just £5 here and there x

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needthisthread · 08/03/2019 11:22

He gets caught watching porn so plays it off as a 'addiction' Hmm

underthe · 08/03/2019 11:24

@needthisthread every day or more for over 15 years? Something or right! He said when he was single it was like 8-10 a night!!!

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hellsbellsmelons · 08/03/2019 11:26

That depends on your boundaries OP.
I've been there and got the t-shirt.
Complete porn addict ExP. I said I'd help him while he got therapy etc..
He lied about going. I found he hadn't even tried to stop.
Then he wanted to live out his fantasies and was trying it on with every woman he came across.
He cheated. And he's now history.
And I feel quite sorry for his OW.
She's bending over backwards to keep him happy.
Threesomes etc..... Her self esteem is shot to pieces.
But.... I didn't have any kids with him so it was very easy to just wave goodbye.

If he's willing to work on it then you may have some hope.
But paying for sites and chats etc.... would be a deal-breaker for me.

needthisthread · 08/03/2019 11:29

Well if you truly believe he had an addiction you crack on and try and 'fix' it for him:

But if he has been hard at it (pun intended) for over 15 years yet never discussed it with you I would say it's unlikely to be an addiction.

He has treated you like shit, he has got caught, you are defending him.

He has played a good game there.

Deathgrip · 08/03/2019 11:29

He has a porn addiction, not a wanking addiction. Have a look at the Your Brain On Porn website - for some it’s as addictive as cocaine and causes similar processes in the brain. It can adversely affects relationships and sex drive, and ability to ejaculate. Having been there, I would not believe for a second that he’s quit just like that with no support and suspect he’s just getting better at hiding it.

If he’s serious about quitting, get him to look at the No Fap group on Reddit.

underthe · 08/03/2019 11:30

@hellsbellsmelons sorry to hear that! He really is trying, I do think it's sorry. And now I know he understands how much it hurts me, hes promise me he hasn't chatted to no one, as he know that's cheating, and he wouldn't do that. He said when he's wanking it was like his brain would shut down and and if he seen a video he liked he would just pay for it because he needed it. He didn't need to tell me he was paying for them and he didn't need to show me the website he said he did it because if we was trying to wipe the slate clean i needed to know everything

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underthe · 08/03/2019 11:32

@Deathgrip he has no way of getting on porn no phone! He smashed it up,

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NotTheFordType · 08/03/2019 11:33

@Arnoldthecat

For the same reason people pay for cinema tickets, DVDs, or Amazon Prime. Because content providers deserve to be paid?!

underthe · 08/03/2019 11:33

Just a cuddle from me at the moment and his hard 😂 so I honestly think he hasn't been doing it

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Arnoldthecat · 08/03/2019 18:09

I wonder if there are psychological issues? wank>feel good> orgasm>brain releases feel good chemicals....and...repeat.

Obviously too much is harmful . It decreases sensitivity and cant lead to you being unable to respond during intimacy with your partner.

I doubt that he pays for services simply because he has some strong ethical issue about performing rights.

I feel you both need to keep talking and see how it goes. Its easy to get another phone etc once the heat has died down. Only time will tell.

Bookfour · 08/03/2019 23:59

Agree that content providers should be paid, otherwise it is exploitation. That said I can't answer the central question

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