I can't believe I am even asking this after so long, but its something I've never discussed before...
So when I was 16 I met someone online who was a lot older (20+ years) who made it quite clear they were sexually attracted to me. Even now in my 30s I look young so I probably looked prepubescent at that age... Long story short, the man in question managed to coerce me into meeting him & I lost my virginity to him, we met up a couple more times & had sex. Something always felt so wrong about it & I think if anyone I knew would of found out I'd have been MORTIFIED. He had form for this type of behaviour and openly admitted his previous partner had been only 16. I had zero emotional attachment much to his distaste - he asked me to move in with him, be his girlfriend at a rapid pace. I decided it was all too weird so cut ties, although remembered seeing him drive by my house one time which scared the shit out of me thinking my parents would find out. Anyway I then got into a wonderful relationship with a boy my own age, it didn't work out but it was normal! I've gone on to have normal relationships with age appropriate other halves.
However to this day over 15years on I still feel the guilt, shame & terrifed feeling it will come out, i still frequently dream (more nightmares) about this. Perhaps its all the media attention grooming and abuse is getting or am I just lamenting over some bad choices I made as a teen that I just need to get over?
Apologies for the rambling & please be gentle on me.