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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was I groomed?

5 replies

Headsamess42 · 08/03/2019 09:44

I can't believe I am even asking this after so long, but its something I've never discussed before...

So when I was 16 I met someone online who was a lot older (20+ years) who made it quite clear they were sexually attracted to me. Even now in my 30s I look young so I probably looked prepubescent at that age... Long story short, the man in question managed to coerce me into meeting him & I lost my virginity to him, we met up a couple more times & had sex. Something always felt so wrong about it & I think if anyone I knew would of found out I'd have been MORTIFIED. He had form for this type of behaviour and openly admitted his previous partner had been only 16. I had zero emotional attachment much to his distaste - he asked me to move in with him, be his girlfriend at a rapid pace. I decided it was all too weird so cut ties, although remembered seeing him drive by my house one time which scared the shit out of me thinking my parents would find out. Anyway I then got into a wonderful relationship with a boy my own age, it didn't work out but it was normal! I've gone on to have normal relationships with age appropriate other halves.

However to this day over 15years on I still feel the guilt, shame & terrifed feeling it will come out, i still frequently dream (more nightmares) about this. Perhaps its all the media attention grooming and abuse is getting or am I just lamenting over some bad choices I made as a teen that I just need to get over?

Apologies for the rambling & please be gentle on me.

OP posts:
Musti · 08/03/2019 09:48

Absolutely you were groomed and it's not for you to be ashamed. You were the victim.

Headsamess42 · 08/03/2019 09:51

Musti thank you for your response. Just the fact you read this post & validated how I feel. Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
0MrsP · 08/03/2019 10:09

Absolutely agree.. you was a child, they was an adult!
I hope some validation makes you feel better, if not you could also seek help, I had a similar situation and counselling really helped me. sometimes its beneficial to go through the finer details and they will help you see things much clearer. X

detoke · 08/03/2019 10:49

aww yes you were groomed and I can totally relate. When I was 17 I met this 40 year old married man and we became friends and he told me he liked me and made me perform oral sex on him because in his words "you will be 18 in a few months anyway" :/ I never saw him again but I still feel victimised

NotTheFordType · 08/03/2019 11:23

Yes OP that was grooming and you were coerced into sex which you were not ready for.

The shame does not belong to you my love, it belongs to your abuser. Flowers

I'm really glad you were able to then move on to healthy relationships.

I would encourage you to explore this with a counsellor, and eventually to discuss this with the people in your life who will be supportive. Silence only helps the abuser.

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