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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice/Help

25 replies

Icd14 · 08/03/2019 08:13

Hello everyone, looking for some advice please. Last night whilst I was asleep I felt my boyfriend touching me intimately below, this carried on for a while but I just froze and lay there as didn’t really know what to do, think I was shocked as feel my privacy was invaded. At one point he stopped because I moved slightly then carried on again, I know he was awake whilst doing this, and felt him move my night slip up further. He carried on and I just froze.
Is what he did acceptable even though I was asleep and we are in a relationship?
Am I overreacting about what happened?

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 08/03/2019 08:21

Not overreacting in the slightest!

Fannybaws52 · 08/03/2019 08:32

It's sexual assault and a huge red flag!

He isn't who you think he is. RUN for the hills. He is hiding his true face. Get away now while you can because his mask is slipping and later down the line he will have you trained to accept his abuse and even blame yourself.

Don't walk away, RUN!

Original poster
Icd14 · 08/03/2019 08:50

The weird thing is the last few nights he has been playing with and feeling my breasts when I was sleeping ( I’m a light sleeper) which I thought was probably harmless but then he said is it ok if I do that when u are asleep, I didn’t answer just sort of changed the subject

OP posts:
wishywashy6 · 08/03/2019 09:05

Its really all about your own boundaries and if you're not happy with this, then no you are not wrong.
Speaking personally, I actually wouldn't mind at all with my current partner, I'd find it a turn on and for us it would most likely initiate sex. I've done it to him before and it's always received positively. We're open and comfortable enough with each other to know neither of us would mind this kind of thing.

How is your relationship generally? Did you feel like you couldn't ask him to stop? Have you talked about it?

Original poster
Icd14 · 08/03/2019 09:21

It’s not been great lately after a huge fallout and the sex has been non existent due to the fall out. I didn’t know or would know what to say in that scenario but I wouldn’t agree for him to touch me down there when I’m asleep as it could then lead to an open door for him to do anything.
Twice he did it last night and he was awake, I just feel anxious about it now but scared to bring it up

OP posts:
wishywashy6 · 08/03/2019 09:38

I think the fact you feel scared to bring it up says a lot about your relationship. Is there a reason you feel you can't talk to him about this kind of thing?
I have a very active sex life with my BF and so for us this would be something we'd giggle over and enjoy. I trust him 100%. It sounds like you don't.
He's meant to be your partner, the person you can discuss your fears/ doubts etc with and who you should be able to trust to keep those safe.
How long have you been together?

Original poster
Icd14 · 08/03/2019 09:48

Been together a year , think I just don’t know how to come out and say it, it feels like he was being sneaky doing it, because he stopped when I flinched and started again which seems strange to me.

OP posts:
wishywashy6 · 08/03/2019 10:03

If you feel that way then tell him. I'm struggling a little to put myself in your position because if I don't like how someone's treating me, I let them know.
While I've said I'd be fine with my bf doing this, i know in the unlikely event that I wasn't in the mood, I'd have no issues telling him to bugger off and he'd respect that and give me a cuddle instead.

I couldn't be with someone if I felt like I was treading on egg shells and avoiding conversations, is it worth it? Do you love him? Are you happy?

Original poster
Icd14 · 08/03/2019 10:14

As of late I’ve not been happy due to our fall out so we are trying to get back on track again but we have not had sex in weeks so the touching thing last night seemed strange. If he wanted go be intimate he could of done it whilst I was awake. When I woke up I said nothing about it and neither did he, he just adjusted my nightdress down over my exposed bits and gave me a cuddle

OP posts:
BIWI · 08/03/2019 10:18

So many of these threads lately Sad Hmm

Of course this isn't OK. Why didn't you tell him to stop? What are you afraid of? Why aren't you saying anything?

wishywashy6 · 08/03/2019 10:19

I'd agree if you've got other issues and aren't actively having sex because of this, then it would feel wrong. You really need to communicate this to him though.

Original poster
Icd14 · 08/03/2019 10:25

I just froze and my heart was racing as felt this behaviour was wrong as I was not 100 conscious, wish I’d have been strong enough to hve said something.
I will need to bring it up, I’m just feeling anxious about this and going over and over it in my head.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 08/03/2019 10:30

What did you fall out about?

CheckMatte · 08/03/2019 10:31

You was asleep, how are you consenting to him touching you?
It's sexual assault and it's needs bringing up asap!
It's disgusting behaviour OP
I'm sorry he's done this to you.

wishywashy6 · 08/03/2019 10:34

Be assertive, take control and speak to him. It's your body and only you get to decide who does what to it.
If you can't do this, or he can't accept it then I'd walk away and not look back

hellsbellsmelons · 08/03/2019 10:39

OMG - this has made my stomach churn OP.
None of this is OK.
If you have no ties and no kids then please run - far and fast away from this man.
He will end up raping you. Horrible and shocking as that sounds, that's the crux of it.
Get away now.
Put some boundaries in place for future relationships.
I'm assuming this isn't the only way he is abusing you.

Please speak to Womens Aid.
Ask about their Freedom Programme and attend a course urgently!

Original poster
Icd14 · 08/03/2019 10:39

We fell out because of his moods and lack of communication with my son, he is not his father but wasn’t making any effort to build a relationship with him
I didn’t consent, just awoke to find him down there with his hands and went into shock. Even now I still feel anxious as I type this. He did it twice last night, second time was more involved and heard him put his hands in his mouth afterward ( sorry I know this is detailed

OP posts:
CheckMatte · 08/03/2019 10:44

You do understand that you were sexually assaulted right?
Please leave right away

detoke · 08/03/2019 10:45

WELP! OP, NONE OF THAT IS OK! That is disturbingggg!! :/ err, run?!

Original poster
Icd14 · 08/03/2019 10:52

Think I’m having trouble believing what happened, he obviously thinks It was ok, he hasn’t said anything either

OP posts:
detoke · 08/03/2019 11:36

I think you need to actually just bring it up as this will continue if you dont tbh. Let him know that you notice these things so that he will stop. OR when he does it again just ask "what are you doing?" and I guess he wont feel so comfortable to do such again,. BUT I would not suggest you stay with someone that does that

Original poster
Icd14 · 08/03/2019 12:12

Thank you for the supportive comments

OP posts:
Fannybaws52 · 08/03/2019 17:37

So he's a disgusting sex pest who emotionally abuses you and makes no effort with your son?

Seriously?

Original poster
Icd14 · 08/03/2019 18:11

I will talk to him about this

OP posts:
CheckMatte · 08/03/2019 20:35

Have you spoken to him OP?

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