My mother despised me. I feel so broken

[hatedandheartbroken]

As a child I was emotionally abused.
I was a school refuser too and at 14 was very sick one night. Because of the school issue dm told me it was the poison coming out and she left me all night being very ill no help no comfort at all.

Recently I asked her why and she said I deserved it as I wasn’t going to school o said but what if it had been something serious and I’d been worse and died - she smirked and said oh that have been a tragedy !

Recently I’ve been unwell and she said to me again smirking had I considered it could be something serious.
I’m so hurt and I have no outlet for this

So you're mother's a psychopath.

I'd have no/absolutely minimal interaction with her and see if you can get counselling.

Do you have any siblings?

She has kept saying how awful I was at 14 but I was school phobic I wasn’t actually badly behaved just desperately unhappy. To be so unwell and have no comfort that night stayed with me and even now I can’t understand.
This latest thing the gleeful talking about my health now and could it be serious I can see what she means and it hurts so much.
I feel like the floor has dropped from under me realising my own mother hates me ? What does that say about me ? It’s meant to be unconditional love I’m 37 I want to cry like a child

Yes a brother who was/is treated as badly and a sister who dm adores

Ahh... the golden child and the scapegoats.
It's not you OP.
Your mum sounds dreadful.
Do some reading on toxic mothers.
Look into NPD and see if she fits the bill.
It's time to go minimum contact or no contact with her. For the sake of your own mental health!

Your mother was not a good parent (an understatement) to you when you were growing up and she has not changed. You did not deserve this and its not your fault this abuse happened to you. This is all on her and you did not make her that way (her own parents did that to her).

Please consider finding a good therapist to deal with all of your fear, obligation and guilt re your mother; I presume these are why you at all have anything to do with her now. Do read and post too on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. I would also consider contacting NAPAC napac.org.uk/ along with further lowering all contact levels with your mother.

You do not mention your dad at all; is he at all in your life?.

I lowered contact recently but she seems to save it all up and concentrate it so am I going to have to stop all contact as I can’t cope with this

I would agree with hellsbellsmelons here re the golden child/scapegoat scenario that is often played out in narcissistic family structures. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and you were and remain the family scapegoat. The golden child role too is a role not without price but your sibling is unaware of this.

Do you have a relationship with your brother still?.

Do have a look at the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and Out of the Fog.

He moved away years ago. I talk to him regularly he is very supportive but i wish I saw him more I understand he had to get away though

Oh poor you. I have a toxic mother too, so I sympathise. You need to get away from her for your own wellbeing. Also, try to access some help (or at least do some reading) to help you get over it

OP - I've only recently experienced this with my own family - look after yourself as YOU are the most important person in this equation. Not her. Stately homes is an excellent source for understanding, and also for realising you are absolutely not alone.

"He moved away years ago. I talk to him regularly he is very supportive but i wish I saw him more I understand he had to get away though"

This is your brother you are referring to in the above isn't it?. Glad to read he is supportive. You now need to put mental as well as physical distance between you and your mother.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I think OP meant her DF in that respect? OP - is there a chance you could reconnect with your DF now you realise you need more / better support with this?

My df and brother both moved away. My sister is still local we actually get on really well she is lovely but I don’t think dm likes it that we get on

OP, please go NC. Your life will improve immeasurably.

My mother was dreadful a right cow, she's 87 with Alzheimer's now, my input in to helping is very little and the bit I do, is more to help out my sister