Am I selfish? Relationship, job, study

[Oppur]

Hi! I'm worried, I might be selfish for pursuing my dreams while sacrificing my relationship.
I've been in a relationship for nearly 2 years (we are 29 and 30), it has not been the easiest actually, because my boyfriend has been rather clingy. I even tried to end the relationship, but he promised he will change and he has been much better now. I have more active social life - meeting friends (not often, though) and having a hobby. He has no hobbies and he rarely meets his friends. He plans to start a hobby soon. We live together.
He has now accepted my more active life style, but it still somewhat bugs me (his previous clinginess). Otherwise he is a superb boyfriend - caring, affectionate, helpful and so on. But I must admit I am not 100% sure I did the right thing by giving him a second chance, because I am not sure I can get over the struggles he caused in myself with his previous behaviour.

What am I worried about. I want to go to university. I already have a degree (finished in 2012), I have been working full-time since. I have thought about studying something again for a couple of years, but have not really found the field I want. But I have now figured out what I want, but it turns out it is not possible to study it part-time or in evenings etc (only if I pay, which I cannot afford). So my last resort is take up regular studies which means classes during work days. My job is rather flexible and I am sure they would be supportive - I could go to classes during day and do my job tasks at evenings, for example. Also, not all days would be filled with classes, some days are entirely free and other days are like half-full with classes. So it would be manageable, BUT it would mean that I would have very little free time available for my boyfriend.. I'm afraid he would not be very supportive with the idea. Moreover, I also feel hesitant, whether I can pull through, and I would need some emotional support I guess, but I really-really want to at least try! But I'm scared that he would not be very supportive? Especially as he is also rather negative in his attitudes and would rather give up without trying if something seems too difficult to achieve. Or he would feel I'm being selfish? Am I selfish for sacrificing my relationship for my own goals? Moreover, I would also like to keep doing my hobby.. Not full-time like now, but have a training like one night per week - just to keep in shape and not to lose contact with my dear hobby-colleagues etc.

I am not 100% sure he is "the one", but he has some very good qualities and I would like to see whether I can grow my feelings back. However, I'm worried that by taking this step (studying) the relationship would fail and maybe I cannot handle it afterall and it was all pointless and a potentially good relationship died. At the same time, I feel so great urge to study! It would be so interesting! and I feel like with my current education and job I have not many options available (at least not very interesting or so), but with another degree I would have more options.

He’s not the one, I’m sorry.

You have your entire life ahead of you, you can stay as you are now and give up everything you love for someone you don’t, or evolve and be happy and free. It’s up to you!!

Another worry - I keep thinking that perhaps I should just settle down and rather make a plan with him to find a bigger place to live and start a family. Otherwise I would just study and perhaps the relationship dies and then I'm like 33 with my degree but no man and no possibility to start a family.
So confused.

Have an honest conversation with him and see what he says. However, his attitude should not prevent you pursuing something you really want to do. Please don't give up on the idea of your studies. Do it anyway. He will either step up or not and if the latter then best to call it a day.

It seems folly to alter your plans and dreams for someone you are not sure about...
I doubt you can 'grow your feelings back'!
True love and compatibility should not be so hard surely?

Have an honest conversation with him and see what he says
This ^^ You're asking complete strangers what they think but you haven't asked the one person whose feelings you're expecting us to guess about!

You have every possibility of starting a family after your degree, or you might meet someone in the mean time. This guy is not the one if he wouldn't support you in following your dreams. It's not like you're giving up earning and expecting him to fund your studies, you're being totally self sufficient. Sign up, go for it!

He is not the one for you and I do wonder why you are actually together at all. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Do you really think such a person wants a family at all?. I do not think that either of you really do love each other and have settled because no-one else has come along.

Do not settle for what sounds like a second rate relationship anyway at the expense of further study.

Now is the chance to do more studying frankly now is the time to dump him, before you sleepwalk into marriage and children with him.

Think of it as him deserving someone who wants to be with him 100% of the time.

Read your post back to yourself.

You’re trying to talk yourself into your relationship being right. It isn’t. So many incompatibilities. You’re very different and in the long run you will end up splitting up anyway.

Any partner who wants the best for their OH would encourage them to do something like further study if it was feasible and affordable as it’ll be rewarding, further your career, increase earning power etc. If he was truly thinking of the long term with you why wouldn’t he want your resources as a couple to be the best they could be before having a family?

I had a relationship survive and thrive while working eighty hour weeks for months on end plus full time studying. Because he wasn’t needy or clingy and had his own life and understood that work and education was non negotiable to me and we both put in the effort to make it work around that the best we could. Some days the most we’d see one another would be the six hours sleep I got being next to him. But it was worth it.

Red flags are waving like crazy when a boyfriend you don’t even have a family with would try to guilt you into not pursuing your education or studies just so he isn’t a bit lonely. He doesn’t sound capable of filling his own time or developing his own life. He’s not a go getter and that’s fine but it seems like you are? It’s a massive turn off when you’re already feeling worried that he’d make you feel bad and be whinging he misses you instead of his own hobbies and friends. Imagine the grief he’d give you if you dared to go out and blow off some steam getting drunk with coursemates during a busy week instead of rushing home to him.

I think you know you need to end this relationship. Even if you got pregnant on purpose now and sacked off your dreams you’d still be tied to a guy who doesn’t have friends or hobbies or seemingly ambition, who wants to hold you back for his own selfish wishes, who can’t entertain himself and makes you feel suffocated.

Seriously, there are tonnes of single available men out there and with better prospects you’ll be in a much better place for a family. Break up kindly, move on, start studying, date when you’re ready and be choosy and make it clear you’re dating with the intent to start a family in the next couple of years from the start so you’re selecting for men with compatible goals. Sounds mercenary but at nearly thirty it’s wise to be.

Does he have a career btw? And what does he do in his free time? He’s probably a nice guy (despite trying to discourage you from reaching your full potential... ) and suitable for someone else who’s similar and happy to be a homebody, only have each other as their only close friend etc. But that’s not you, is it? What you’re seeking to pursue sounds like a lot to give up for a relationship that’s best quality you can think of is that it’s ‘potentially good’, and that you already had the sense to end once already.

One word of caution though: how sure are you that this course will definitely lead to better employment and income etc?

Sorry, having re read your OP maybe I’m being a bit harsh on the guy. But my main point still stands.

Moreover, I also feel hesitant, whether I can pull through,

Why are you doubting whether you can pull it off? Why wouldn’t you be able to? It might be a tough couple years but people do it all the time. Most people I studied for my MA alongside worked as well. I worked full time hours on evenings and weekends to fit everything in alongside full time placements and studies as I had no choice, some others did too. It meant writing essays at midnight to 3am many times and then grabbing a few hours of sleep before another fifteen hour day but I did it and I’m nothing special, I just wanted it badly. Believe in yourself

Bin him, he sounds needy and clingy. I can’t image being in a relationship with someone with no friends and no hobbies . What do you even talk about?

He sounds like a clingy teenager who wants to sap the energy out of his first girlfriend.

You sound as though you enjoy life to the full, with a career, study, hobbies & ambitions. What does he offer you?

I met my now DH through a mutual shared interest, we have spent (individually and together) much of our married life following this interest - and of course we both have other hobbies - I couldn’t bear to be with someone who had no interests.

Two words my Dad once said to me ...
Don't settle
Don't waste your time on Mr Not Quite Right!!
Life is too short to miss opportunities like this and you should do your course while you are free and have no kids to worry about. If he's meant to be the one he will be supporting you all the way but it sounds like he isn't

I don't think you can grow your feelings back by not doing this degree. I think you would (rightly in my opinion) resent him for not supporting you through something that was important to you, and you'd end up 33 with no degree, no man (at least not this man) and no more options than you have now. On the other hand, if he's right for you, your relationship will survive you studying.

At 33 my mum was at uni and single. Then she met my dad, also a student, through a shared interest. Over 30 years on they're still very happily married. There's no rush!