Should my dp go on this family holiday?

[Maddy762]

My dp and I bought a house last year, which his father loaned us money towards as it required renovations. It turned out it required way more renovations than anticipated so in addition to the parental loan, we also had to get a credit card out and overdraft.
Our credit card and overdraft is interest free for the next 12 months as long as we make our monthly payments. We are putting all our spare money into clearing these each month and are on track to clear them in time before the interest period ends. We then planned to pay back dp's father thereafter. I am not entirely sure if dp has made the timeframe clear to his father.

Dps father and siblings want to go on a lavish holiday this summer but for the above, he has told them he won't be able to come due to finances. His dad has since offered to pay for just him for the holiday (this would be a gift). However, one of his siblings has told him his dad privately said behind his back that he is miffed we have not started paying him back yet towards the loan.

I don't want to seem controlling but I am concerned about him going on this for the following reasons:

1. His dad has expressed to other people some negative comments about us not yet paying him back, yet has offered to pay for this holiday.
2. I assume he would be paying for flights and accommodation and I am concerned about things my dp will have to pay for without realising and despite how things seem - there is the potential for costs to add up.
3. He would only be paying for my dp so there could be resentment among his other siblings, and potential additional resentment from the father himself.

I haven't really expressed my views to my dp as don't want to seem controlling but I have got anxiety about it all, I think probably because I am experiencing anxiety about finances in general.

1/Surely dp wouldn't want to go anyway knowing his df has been talking about the money he loaned you behind your back.
2/ Surely he wouldn't go and leave his family behind.
3/ He must know that df will be watching and resentful of every penny he spends on this holiday if he did go.
I would be looking forward to the we paid df the money back and wouldn't accept so much as a cup of tea off him in future.

You can't borrow money off someone, not pay any of it back or plan to pay any of it back for at least 12 months and then moan about them expressing negative comments to their offspring about not getting it back. You took out further debt/loans after taking his money and are servicing those debts first. Sorry but I think you're taking the piss.

I would get another interest free credit card and balance transfer close to the end of your payment period, and split the repayments between your credit card and your DP's Dad.

Then I'd decline to go .

But in my close family we either pay for the people we want to come with us on holiday or go somewhere we can all go.

Of course don't go it would be madness. Debt first.

You need to have an honest conversation with DP with your 3 points exactly as you have them here. Nowhere does it say you don't want him to go, or that he couldn't go, only that you had concerns about how the vacation would be financed.

I think that he should be paying an amount even if it's £50 or £100 a month back to his parent first. What is the amount, over what timescale and is there any interest charged ?
Could some of the renovations waited ?
No I would not accept the holiday

Oh gosh I thought I had it all figured out but I think really I had my head up my own arse . Have spoken to dp and we have agreed to pay £100 per month to his father starting now. We will be able to increase that amount in 12-18 months. Looking to pay him back within 3 years. All renovations were completed in around 5 months and ended in the summer just gone. We still have the bathroom to do but clearly that has been put on hold for at least a couple of years.
I told my dp my thoughts just now and said it how I wrote above, so will see what he thinks. I think he just thought free holiday = amazing opportunity.

I would not be able to sleep without paying some of the money back to the parent !

Given the OPs latest post above yours, @orangeB0ttle, I am not sure what the purpose of your follow-up post is, other than to be rude and nasty?

Well I would want to pay the parent back after hearing that he'd been complaining about me but I would also decline the holiday and explain why - frankly I think it's totally off to complain about one sibling to another and the father was rude to do that. If he wanted to be paid back before the debt payments he should have spoken to his son but I would certainly want my child to pay back debt to a loan or cc before paying me back!

What kind of parent would want their child to remain longer in formal debt or would judge them for having had to over extend unexpectedly due to extra reno costs. Not very supportive of him.

If he needs it he should ask not talk behind backs.

Mykingdomforbrie, we only found out he had been complaining today so yes this emphasises even further the importance of starting to pay him back. He does not want for the money (has around £100k in savings and we borrowed £5k). Just mentioning this because I don't want people to think our loan has impacted him on his ability to live how he would want to. His complaining that we haven't paid him back is not because the loss of money impacting him, but is about the principal of us not yet paying him. I honestly didn't realise, I like you, had thought we had better get rid of the formal debt as quickly as possible and then pay him back. My eyes have been opened now though. I am disappointed he chose to complain to someone else rather than speak to us. I feel it will have made dps sister also think badly of us.

I assumed you'd borrowed £50k or something big, not just £5k. I know £5k isn't tiny, but when he's got £100k in savings & is off on an expensive holiday, plus you're prioritising paying off interest-earning debt (though does he know that?), it's a bit off to complain without asking what your plans for repaying were. And he definitely shouldn't be complaining to DP's siblings. The only thing you've done wrong is possibly not explaining to DF when you'd be starting repayments.

I think you and dp should have discussed with his father how and when you could pay him back, at the point of taking out the additional loans.
In dp's father's shoes I'd have been very upset with you both for reneging on the deal you made with him to repay the loan from him.

Godowneasy, I agree, I think we were just so caught up in buying our first home together and the project it turned out to be. I guess all I can do now is move forward and start paying back his father from today.

All of this sounds like miscommunication rather than nasty intent, from any of you.

It's good that you've made arrangements to begin repaying him, it shows it was an oversight rather than an attempt to do him out of money.

Hopefully now that's in place it can just blow over.

But unless you can afford to pay for the holiday yourselves I'd probably say no thank you, just to avoid causing further issues.

Well to be fair none of you have done a stellar job on communication. You borrowed money, there was no excuse to assume anything about when you’d make payments.

I wasn't being rude and nasty - it's common sense, if you borrow money from someone, you both come to an agreement about how much you pay back each month. Unless you have an agreement to postpone the payment. If you borrow money from a bank there is no emotional involvement, if you borrow from family and friends, things can get messy !

Maddy, yes, I think you're right. Maybe you could both talk to him and acknowledge the mistake, and assure him that you are going to pay it back regularlarly henceforth.
Re your free credit on your existing credit card, you could always take out another credit card and transfer the balance to that when the free credit runs out. You'll have to pay a small fee, but it's worth it imho.

Re the holiday, it seems a bit strange that your dp would choose to go on holiday without you. Will you get a holiday this year if he goes on this one with his father?