From November last year till beginning of January my husband had an affair which I discovered on Christmas eve after looking through his phone. Initially he kept stringing me along telling me he didn’t know what to do until he eventually ended it with me just before New years. Essentially he left me for her, before he realised a few days later that he had made a mistake and spoke about trying again.
Since about the 15th January we have tried to get things back on track. He has been living at his dads and helping out with the kids a couple of nights a week and taking them over the weekend.
Since this though I keep finding out things – like he told me he hadn’t seen her or slept with her again since I found out on Christmas eve and I found out through looking through his phone again that this wasn’t the case. They were still speaking and sleeping together right up until he told me he wanted to try again.
We were really getting on since the beginning of this month and I really thought we would be able to work things out. Wehad been on the couples counselling waitlist since the start of December and finally had a couple of sessions and he asid he felt positive – he had told the woman he didn’t ever want to do this to me again.
Then I found out this weekend that he had been messaging some other girl on messanger that he wanted to shag her. HE kept asking for it over and over again. Begging basically. The same night he came round to my house and we had sex. I was so angry when I read it. He said it was only a laugh, wouldn’t have happened and he was drunk. To me not a good enough excuse!
The problem now is that finally he seems to have realised he actually wants to be with me and to fix our marriage – not sure how he decided that on the same night he decided he wanted to bed someone else too…but he does clearly want to try and fix something as kept asking me what he could do to fix things.
I’ve spoken to my councillor about this and she has advised that I read up on controlling and manipulative behaviour as she thinks that’s whats going on. In our first session together he was very defensive and came across as quite controlling – wants to suit himself all the time and to hell with anyone else.
After speaking to her and reading about this I am starting to realise this actually might be the case. I’ve thought about so many times where he acts like a spoilt child when he doesn’t get his way. He downplays nasty things he says by just telling me he was only joking or that I’m too sensitive. He always acts as if everyone is out to get him, he gets very defensive about anything, constantly rolls his eyes at me and basically makes me feel very stupid when I do ask for things.
With the latest girl he messaged I asked last night if he would share his iphone location with me which he said he would, but threw the biggest strop about it and shouted at me. Basically making me feel very stupid about it and saying aw you will never let me turn it off again.
He doesn’t seem to get this is just for an interim period whilst he can start to prove he is where is says he is, and not in bed at some random girls house. He has had so much free rein and I never thought to not trust him to not be where he said he would be before. I don’t want to have to check up on him forever, it would only be until I could believe and trust him again. But I also feel this defensiveness is ridiculous as to be honest, I wouldn’t care less if he knew where I was. Surely its important in a marriage to know where your partner is?
Previously he would tell me he hadn’t finished work so he could go to the pub after work whilst I had to deal with picking kids up and giving them tea and waiting for him to get home. He said it means I won’t be able to go for a pint anymore! Thinking about it he has had such little respect for me, going to the pub without telling me, having a secret life with people he doesn’t speak about.
I don’t really know what to do anymore. Is this controlling and manipulative behaviour? What do I do? I don’t know what I want either which doesn’t help. I love him, and up until about 3 weeks ago I would have done anything to keep us together. I am feeling now that I am seeing him in a new light and not sure I really like who he is anymore.
In all this its made me feel like the only reason he wanted to try with me is because the OW didn’t want him anymore and its taken a few months for him to realise he wanted to be with me, or that I was his only other option.