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Relationships

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Original poster

Asexual relationship

25 replies

timestamper · 07/03/2019 12:38

Can I ask if any poster is or has been in an asexual relationship, even if they are sexual themselves , and how do they cope with it . Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

timestamper · 07/03/2019 13:19

Anybody?

OP posts:

noego · 07/03/2019 14:41

Asexual people can be in a romantic relationship but just not interested in sex.
So either the other partner is asexual as well or they agree to an open relationship whereby the non asexual partner is free to explore sexual relationships.

Original poster

timestamper · 07/03/2019 16:15

Can it work if partner is not open to open relationship? What about babies in the future or what about sexual frustration ? Hugs and kisses will only go the distance for so long for the partner is sexual I would imagine, even if you feel you can tolerate it right now?? He is happy though.

OP posts:

noego · 07/03/2019 19:54

A relationship with an asexual has to be worked out mutually so that each person is happy. It can be a deep discussion.
Being asexual doesn't mean that they do not get sexual feelings. Just maybe not as much as a sexual person. Some Asexual people like to be in romantic relationships and enjoy the kissing. cuddling, holding hands etc that normal relationships have but without the sexual desire. However they can be aroused in certain situations.
Have a look at this site for more information.

www.asexuality.org/

Original poster

timestamper · 08/03/2019 10:55

Thanks noego. He is asexual I am not but feel I am giving up my sexuality to be with him coz I like sex but he only likes kissing and massage. I do understand him and accept him for his sexuality but I am afraid that in the future my sexual needs will lead me to frustration . I worry about pregnancy. He can dtd but has no real interest or intention . Should I bale

OP posts:

noego · 08/03/2019 11:09

Should I bale

Only you can decide that.

Original poster

timestamper · 08/03/2019 12:07

I’m in love with him. I’m trying to look into the future. A sexless life with him seems overwhelming . There’s Is love between us , I’m definitely more in love with him than he is with me but he keeps saying how relieved he is that a woman finally ‘ gets ’ Him and understands him and appreciates his issues and accepts him. I’m torn as to whether he loves me or the idea that he has finally met someone sexual who is willing to forego their own sexual needs for him . He is not flexible in his need not to have sex and an open relationship is not an option for him on the future. He is not willing to compromise in the sex . All his previous relationships ended due his lack of interest in the sexual element of the relationship

OP posts:

noego · 08/03/2019 12:34

If you 'get him' then he should 'get you'. If you get my drift........These relationships are not a one way street, where someone gives up their individuality for the sake of someone else's. Ultimately it will lead to resentment............

Did you look at the web site I posted? You are more likely to find answers there than here.

How does he identify himself? Find out and then look on the web site.

category12 · 08/03/2019 12:43

Jeez, so the price for this nonride is no sex for the rest of your life? No open relationship, just suppression.

How about, just being friends?

Don't settle for this. Love isn't enough, it doesn't overcome all, and since you want kids and enjoy having a sexlife, you need to let it go.

category12 · 08/03/2019 12:44

Price of admission far too steep.

IrenetheQuaint · 08/03/2019 13:20

Nothing wrong with an asexual relationship if both parties are happy with that, but you're not, so I'm wondering why you're even contemplating it?

FermatsTheorem · 08/03/2019 13:23

So, he doesn't love you the way you love him, and you're wondering whether you can face a lifetime of no sex and possibly no babies.

"But I leurve him" is no reason to make yourself unhappy (which is what the inevitable outcome of this will be). Run away. Run away now. Run for the hills.

Original poster

timestamper · 08/03/2019 21:16

He says he love me . I believe it to a point but he is the one who calls the shots . He has been honest from the first few dates about his sexuality . I have accepted this because he is a fantastic boyfriend besides the sex thing . I wonder about the future though . We have so much going on but this is certainly an issue in the future . I have said I accepted it so I can’t really Moan about it .i have to weigh up everything he brings to the relationship , which is a lot versus no sex for the rest I f my life . I just don’t know what to do . I’m afraid that he loves me because I have accepted him and not put any demands on him

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FermatsTheorem · 08/03/2019 21:36

Name change fail OP.

Crikey, you're in a right mess emotionally. There's a rule of thumb - try saying "no" to him and watch how he reacts. Seriously, a relationship where he takes and you give and you are resigned to putting up with any old shit just to keep him is not a healthy one. Sometimes "love is not enough" and this is one of them. I'm guessing you're very young. Please, please do not piss your life away bending over backwards for a man who is giving you precious little in return. This is not just about the sex; the whole way you talk about it makes it sound really one sided and unhealthy.

formerbabe · 08/03/2019 21:38

Have you posted about this before? I recognise the situation from a thread a few weeks ago.

category12 · 08/03/2019 21:38

^ What FermatsTheorem said.

Don't waste your life on something that is't right for you from the get-go.

Original poster

timestamper · 08/03/2019 22:29

Hello. No not posted before but thank s to ever body who responded . I am a mug . I know that

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Closetbeanmuncher · 08/03/2019 22:49

Oh he's happy.....great that makes a lifetime of no sex, where you still have to be monogomous worth it then

Why are you wasting your time?

SandyY2K · 09/03/2019 01:22

He loves having found a non asexual woman, who is willing to become celibate for him.

Love should be equal. When you love more, you put yourself in a position where you can be taken advantage of.

No way would I do this. Well unless he was a multi millionaire and I married him... with a plan to move on in a few years... just kidding.😂

OpiesOldLady · 09/03/2019 01:38

Not sure if it's much help, but my DP is asexual. I am not. I'm a polyamorous pansexual with a very big libido. Chalk and cheese. However it works for us because of three things. We're honest with each other, we communicate all the time, and we trust each other. Without any of those three, we couldn't have a relationship. DP knows I have lovers, he's good friends with a couple of them, but he also knows that he's the one I want to come home to and share my life with. It's not the norm, but it works for us.

From what you've said about your DP, he sounds like a right selfish arsehole! Relationships require give and take and it's great that he's happy not to have sex ever again, but what about you? He cannot just expect you to never have sex ever again. You really need to talk to him.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 09/03/2019 11:31

He had been very straightforward about what he wants - an asexual, monogamous relationship. It sounds like he would be happier in a relationship with another asexual person. You are allowed to be just as straightforward about what YOU want - with him and with yourself.

You say repeatedly that you worry he doesn't love you, he just loves that you are prepared to be asexual for him. I think this is probably very perceptive of you.

Original poster

timestamper · 11/03/2019 13:26

I had the weekend to spend with him and It was lovely but when it cameto stayingover at his home,he made excuses for me to go home . He likes kisses and cuddles it has absolutely no desire for anything physical in the morning time .he uses excuses to sleep alone likehaving to go to his family early or to football etc . So I don’t really think he is too bothered about making me happy sexually . Itsabout him and his needs. I think after the weekend that he definitely loves that I don’t ask for sex but he definitely knows from my eaactions that it frustrates me

OP posts:

OpiesOldLady · 11/03/2019 13:29

So what do you think you'll do now then?

ChristmasFluff · 11/03/2019 15:22

This is doomed long term. Better to end it now.

Or at the very least ask yourself why you are willing to give up a whole aspect of your being, in order to accommodate another person you don't have a formal commitment to. I also think that a decent human would be extremely uncomfortable with the thought that you desired something he couldn't give and won't allow you to get elsewhere. Whereas he seems to be reveling in it.

I can't understand why you would want to proceed with something that will so obviously cause you so much anguish

noego · 11/03/2019 18:10

One of the things that you might have to contend with if this relationship grows OP is the fact that he might not trust you to stay monogamous. Which will also build resentment between you.
It is going to be very difficult for you to suppress your sexual feelings both towards him and maybe ultimately others you may fancy in your life time.
In which case neither of you will be free from that underlying emotional turmoil that a relationship like this can bring about if not dealt with openly, fairly and equally.
Perhaps in this case tough love is required and you have to let him go to be what he wants to be. Like wise he has to let you go so you can be what you want to be.
There is a Buddhist saying................

You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.

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