Non-existent family....

[wellhelloyou]

I have no parents and two siblings left who aren't interested in me, my DD or OH. I have tried to keep in touch (just a text or message to say hi or ask how they're doing now and again) but either don't really receive a response or just a quick response and then silence.

There's no reason for it, they just simply don't want to keep in touch. They don't keep in touch with each other either. I have tried to gently ask if they were up to being in touch more (I only asked once) and didn't really receive a reply except along the lines just life is busy (which I'm sure it is) so I respect that.

I know no family (that I know of anyway) is perfect but I do have friends that get on really well with siblings or parents or other family members. I really love the thought of a big table with lots of family members of many generations getting together and enjoying celebrating birthdays, Christmases or the like. Or even just popping over to a family member's house for a coffee and chat.

I don't mean to make this a 'pity me' thread and I am incredibly grateful to have my lovely OH and our DD. We are a family in our own right I know that.

I suppose I just feel down a lot when I let myself think about it. When friends say they're going home to their parent's house for a weekend, a celebration, going 'home for Christmas' or just to hang out (especially they have a wee one) I feel sad. This feeling especially made me feel down when I had my wee one and no-one visited at the hospital/had no mum or other family member be there or help out to this day.

If I could change one thing it would be to have a close extended family. We do have a small amount of nice friends and I know many people say 'friends are the family you could choose for yourself' and I am grateful for friends but it's just not exactly the same.

Many friends say to me 'hey you can have my family, they can be moany, or sister is x to me' but then I also see closeness and even just having a 'home base'.

My OH just has a sister and dad and although the dad is in touch now and again (can go months without contact), the sister also has no interest in keeping in touch so we don't push it (there's been no falling out).

Is anyone else in this boat and what do you do to bring yourself up when feeling sad about this? I know I can't magic up a family and I am very very lucky to have an OH and DD.... I suppose I'm just looking for a few coping techniques. Thanks all

I know exactly how you feel. My dd and I have no close family and at times it makes me really sad. It mainly comes to the fore when we go through difficult times and have few people who 100% have our back.

Good loyal friends are hard to come by and should be treasured if you find them. The benefit of friends over family is that you choose them because of shared lifestyles/circumstances/likes etc. Sometimes, they don't stay in our lives forever but there's no reason why you can't make the best of them at the time.

Nothing will take away away the rejection you feel from your family but don't let yourself be defined by it. As you say, you are lucky to have OH and DD. Stride into the future being open to meeting new people and having new experiences

Thank you @YanTanTethera01 for sharing your experience and kind wise words.

From now on I’ll try a wee bit harder to be more open and positive to making and keeping good friends.

sound very uncaring, if they tried getting together they might find they enjoy it,

I am in a similar position. I have two siblings and neither are that interested in keeping in touch with me or with each other. I live in the same city as one of them. When I had DD1 she met her after birth and then not again for 18 months, despite me gently trying to arrange something. She didn't see me in that time either, as I was quite prepared to meet up without the kids.

I find it hurtful and I am envious of those who see siblings regularly and have close relationships with nieces and nephews. It just doesn't apply to my family or to DH's. Increasingly, I simply try to accept that this is the way it is and that DH and I have created our own little family of 5, and we have plenty of nice friends etc.

Similar position here OP. I don't have any advice really as I struggle with it too. I feel very lonely sometimes. It helps to read that I'm not the only one.

Same here. I'm divorced. Elderly parents (one has dementia and the relationship is difficult anyway) and one geographically distant cousin and his wife are the extent of my family (other than my DCs). I envy people with a wider family circle. I'm very good friends with a pair of cousins who were in my school year and I know their mums and dads and brothers really well too - I'm often involved in family BBQ etc with them and it highlights what I don't have.

It is a struggle. The hardest part I find is my DCs knowing that their friends have big family get togethers on holidays while they are always alone with just me. They don't know any other families like ours, with no one.. ..

I find you really need to have siblings with families of their own who want to get together with you. I only have one brother who never married and is antisocial, so what can you do? It's the luck of the draw I think just like you can't help what country you're born into.

I know exactly how you feel and it is hard x

Even more irritating for me, now that dd is a teenager, they all want her to visit. They never made the effort when dc's were young (totally ignored us) but now they like the idea of a young adult visiting.

I am finding it very odd and not keen to facilitate this at all!

I'm 1 of 4 with no parents and nobody bothers. Granted we are all hundreds of miles apart so technically popping round isn't going to happen.
I just get on with it tbh.

It's me and my 2 kiddies and I'm happy with that now.
You can't force family to want to have contact.
Accept it and get on with your life, it gets easier.

We're in a similar position too.

Both my parents are dead (one died when I was a child). I have several step and half siblings. I only keep in contact with one (who is lovely and we get on well) but distance means that we rarely see each other. He doesn't have any children.

DH's family are what can only be described as an utter disappointment. He warned me before I met them (didn't fully believe him though until I had lived through several years of it)...his parents have a lot of covert narcissistic traits and have, very successfully, triangulated his relationship with his sister to the point of splitting. I don't trust them at all and they can be very spiteful and manipulative. They never organise family events/meals - that used to be completely down to us but we now keep our distance for the sake of our mental health.

I sometimes feel really sad for our only child, and us, but things could be a lot worse.

Travelban That is odd that they want to see dd now she is a teenager! I would also be reluctant to facilitate.

Same here. No parents left.

Dh has a db, but he is totally subsumed into sil's family. They all spend Christmas etc together and have big family holidays. I don't do FB but dh does, and sees lots of big group holiday/birthday pics of them saying "Best family ever!!" etc which he finds it a bit hurtful. He tries to maintain contact, but we are really strangers and although they live 5 miles away the last time I went to their house was 12 years ago!

For me the worst thing of no family is that no one cares about the dcs - neither their triumphs nor their disasters. I did have a bit of a weep in John Lewis once when I was looking at the baby stuff and there was a woman with her mother in there excitedly choosing cot etc. No one to be excited for me (let alone pay for anything!).

I can relate to how you feel, OP. I really felt it at Christmas, DH was working and I was home alone with the baby all week. I missed having a close and loving family to just hang out with. I have both parents alive and a sibling, but they never bother to visit me. Phone calls sometimes, but that's it. I have to go to them, and when I do, it messes with my head so much that I can't stay more than a day or two. My parents are really close to my sibling and they all see each other all the time. It hurts, but I just let them get on with it now.

My plan is to have a couple more children and build my own warm little family to be with instead. I hope that by doing that, my child won't feel as lonely as I do.

Am in the same boat, no parents, have tried to keep in contact with both siblings, my DB who I saw maybe once a year (lived opposite end of country) suddenly passed away, my DSis who hadn't seen DB for 10 years didn't come to his funeral, I'm so sad, DSis does not make effort with anyone anymore it seems. My DMum was the glue that held our family together and she died over 20 years ago. Not only do I feel sad for me I'm sad for DD who sees friends with strong family relationships and questions why we don't see more of family,, when they don't want to know it's very difficult! I'm just encouraging her to value good friends.

I know how you feel, you wonder what you’ve done wrong. It’s become easier to accept over the years and I decided long ago that I would build a proper family.

Now, while nothing is perfect, I have a wonderful close relationship with my children & grandchildren. One of my DC has mentioned that her friends have commented with envy on our relationship. I know only too well what that envy feels like.

We still don’t get the big occasions that come with big families, but at least we’ve made a start!

Thank you everyone for your messages. Although it's not nice for anyone, it's good to see we're not alone (for the want of a better word!).

I think the only way is to hold the head up and be so grateful for what I have in my OH and DD. You don't always get what you want in life and some family life is horrific for many people so I really need to understand fully having a nice OH and DD is not to be taken for granted. We won't be having any further children so just the three of us. Uber uber grateful for DD as we were advised that having children would not be something I could achieve.

The value of good friends is a good thing to keep reminding myself also.

I suppose my learnings from this thread is just to remind myself to be thankful and love what I have.

Thanks everyone, wish happy days ahead for all of you x

That's lovely OP, thank you.