Does anyone else speak and no-one hears?

[TomorrowIsFree]

It may be because I'm overly concerned about how others feel, I'm not sure.

I can be doing through 'x' and no-one gives a fuck, then someone else goes through it and crowds gather.

Hmm. I've generally worked in male-dominated industries and I've certainly experienced the classic senior managers' meeting where I've proposed an idea and everyone has said "nah that won't work" then a man has rephrased my statement (and not in a way that clarified or improved it - I'm an excellent communicator) and all the other men around the table have gone "Oh yes, great idea Bob, good one for you." And then Bob, as my line manager, has said "OK Ford, can you pick that up as an action point?"

Stabby stabby stabby

I've just proved my point . ffs

nottheford I've worked on those environments too - bloody annoying!

Why do you think it is that nobody seems to care when you’re going through something, but then they do when it’s someone else?

I wonder if perceived vulnerability\strength plays a part. Some people come across so strong, they deal with so much shit, that others around them get a bit immune and just brush it off with a ‘ah you know Lauren, she’s a fighter, she’ll be fine’. Whereas other people portray themselves to be or are a lot more vulnerable and needy, and people flock to them because they can see a mile off they’re not okay (or they see a chance to be a rescuer and take it cos they like the feeling of helping someone).

Could it be anything to do with that?

An example I think would be from when I was at uni many years ago, a girl on my floor’s grandmother fell and broke her wrist. This girl had two weeks off lectures, was sobbing, the house flocked round her to comfort and care for her. She was bereft, very sheltered life and smallish family and for some reason a minor injury to a grandparent threw her world apart for a couple of weeks. Lots of ringing home etc.

In the next room another girl a week before lost her mum. Sudden death from undiagnosed illness. Girl was 18. The house left some flowers and chatted with her but there wasn’t anywhere near the same amount of comfort and care and attention, she was obviously devastated but fairly stoic initially as she had a lot to sort out.

I can well imagine her thinking that following week ‘what the actual fuck’ when the grandmother wrist situation happened.

My other query is, have you ever directly said to the people who love you ‘I’m really struggling here and need a friend’, and what was the response? Sadly people aren’t mind readers and you sometimes have to say what you need.

Are you expecting others to be mind-readers? Are you usually perceived as strong and independent?

Sometimes those who are listening ears and/or always helpful to others are considered to be so capable that they never need help.

Please spell out clearly to your family and friends if you are struggling and need help. They are probably just not aware of it.

I feel your pain OP. I understand what you mean. Some people fall and coo over others but not you! And you are the nicest, kindest and most generous person of all! They don't ' hear' you Op because in their eyes you have nothing to say that they want to hear. Nobody hears me either Op. --

Approx 4 yrs ago I was in hospital for 3 days with Pneumonia , in my smallest lung. (Had it have been my larger lung I would have been in trouble) At the very same time another chair of the PTA friend had a chest infection where the doctor had prescribed antibiotics and passed her fit for work. She announced her illness on FB ( and msg'd me updating me
with her illness ,unaware I was in hospital) and all the parents in the year group/whole sch . They all instantly rallied around her, collecting her kids, for weeks , so she could ' rest' , cooking her stews and doing her shopping. Cleaning her house and generally falling all over themselves helping her. My DH collected our DC's from sch on the very same day
as friend announced her chest infection, explaining his presence at sch ,as I was in hospital, struggling to breathe and relatively unwell.
All the friends , others expressed their sorrow to hear that I was poorly and thanked my DH for ' letting them know' . It took me over 3 months to fully recover ,during which time I had not one visit, not one

child collection, not one stew, not one loaf of bread or pint of milk delivered!! ! I had to resume my normal duties the day after I was discharged form hospital as DH had to work and I had absolutely no one to turn to. I
just had to get on with it because I had no choice.

I realised that day a very important lesson. From that day to present, I no longer listen to any dramas. I no longer look after their kids when they have no childcare. I no longer listen to their moaning when they have a cold/bad back/mild chest infection. I don't care if their kids have missed the bus and can't get to sch, I no longer jump in the car and take them. I don't care that there is a power cut and they have no candles/batteries/matches. I don't care that their car has broken down, I don't care that their child cannot get to the sch Halloween disco ,if I can't have them , all because they can't leave work early. I really just don't care anymore
about them!

The upshot of this has been that those users friends who remain are genuine. You can be all things to all men but when the chips are down people generally tend to flock to those who can butter their bread for want of a better phrase. By that I mean, and it's only my observation , people tend to flock around those ,where they see a perceived benefit to them.

Something has clearly been the final straw for you op and I would encourage you to keep that thought, moving forward. I was not only helpful and strong but I never needed to reach out for help, until I was ill. That strength then seemed to be an excuse for others to use and then leave me to cope alone. When I did finally reach out and ask for help, no one came. They were all too busy helping my other chair of PTA who has more influence than me , friend. My chair of the PTA friend was clearly more of a dear friend to them than I was. Despite the fact she did not help them daily ,as I had done for years.

See your own value OP and take strength in that.

I can hear you OP, loud and clear. x