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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He broke my heart with what he said

61 replies

kombre · 06/03/2019 23:00

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 and a half years, a few times in the relationship he has been reluctant to say and didn’t want to hurt me but has commented on my weight and my body. I am petite, always have been, when he met me I was petite too. He knows I’ve had issues off my family and when I was at school about my body and how slim I am/was. I am petite, I have small breasts but my bum and thighs are alright I personally think I have weight and curve there. He basically broke my head the other day, when I said, you don’t really flirt or joke around in a “naughty” way with me, and after a bit of thinking he came back with, I really don’t want to say it, but I’m not attracted to your body enough for me to do those things. Which I think is one of the worst things a person can hear from their loved ones. Couple days have gone by and he said he still wants to be with me and that he knows he took a really bad approach talking about it and he should love me for me. But he hasn’t done much else like compliment me, buy me anything or surprise me, I just know I’d do anything to makesure he was okay if I hurt him with such a thing. But also, this has hurt my mental health and esteem like crazy, I will be insecure and sad knowing he’s not really attracted a lot to my body,

But it has been a long time for us, and he loves me for me, but this is obviously a serious issue,

Any advice please ????? 💔

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 07/03/2019 00:02

So he's "settling" for petite you.

The question is why are you "settling" for an utter twit/fuckwit like him?

BusterGonad · 07/03/2019 00:06

He doesn't love you, he's just looking for a girlfriend that looks good (in his opinion), believe it or not some men actually love their girlfriends underweight, overweight, with big boobs, no boobs, during cancer treatment, after having a baby and with a saggy mum tum. Your boyfriend is a total prick who will hopefully end up alone.

NewYoiker · 07/03/2019 00:09

If you dump him you'll love 13 stone in one go. He doesn't deserve you. Fuck him

Mumsymumphy · 07/03/2019 00:09

I feel really sorry for you OP, as I've been in a similar situation.

Was with my then partner on an (allegedly) romantic weekend in Paris (valentines weekend). Everyone had asked me beforehand if he was going to propose on the trip- i had no idea, we'd never discussed getting engaged/married. Had been together 4 years. So we were in Paris waiting for a boat for a sightseeing trip down the River Seine. It was a long wait so we got a hotdog from a stand. Only, I got chips aswell. He went all quiet as we were queuing up. Me asking what was wrong, him replying 'nothing' and so on. Then just as the queue started moving he said "I won't marry you if you get any bigger!" Wtf! I called him a superficial bastard and spent the boat trip in tears. Never did see the sights along the way as I kept my head down. Bastard. Was stuck in a different country with him for 2 more nights. Dumped him when we got back. He got nasty.
Please, get rid. It will mess with your head otherwise. There'll be other aspects to his personality that you may have spotted but 'let it pass' or that will surface in time. But it won't get better.
Get out now, make him realise what he's lost and save your sanity. He doesn't deserve your time or your emotions. x

dreaming174 · 07/03/2019 00:11

I think some people have a preference but when you fall in love with someone, those things can go out the window. If he really loves you, then he should love ALL of you.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/03/2019 00:18

He's shallow, to say the least, and cruel.

DH and I have been married over 30 years. I've been thin and I've been fat. And now I'm getting saggy and wrinkly. And never has he made any nasty comment about my appearance. I'm sure he may have his 'preference' for how I look, but he keeps it to himself. Why? Because he loves me. And my sexual attractiveness to him is based on his love for me, not my appearance. And vice versa.

Dump the bastard. Any man who is not good for your self esteem is not good enough to keep.

pinkypromisex · 07/03/2019 00:19

OP, please stop making excuses for him. He sounds like a complete gobshite and you deserve better.

Movingtoplanetclanger · 07/03/2019 00:19

He is undermining you and making you feel self conscious. It's a red flag for emotional abuse. If an abuser can make their partner feel unloveable they will put up with all kinds of shit.

Since being with him have you felt better about yourself or worse? People who live you should pull you up not tear you down.

Don't be fooled by him acting like he's reluctant to criticise you, he is criticising you regularly. A few times in 5 years is regularly.

MrsTumbletap · 07/03/2019 00:19

This isn't going to get any better OP. Only worse, he isn't going to start madly fancying you next year.

Your sex life will suffer, your confidence will suffer.

If you are young you need a bit of chemistry and sexual attraction, I would start breaking away from him emotionally and move on.

nicenewdusters · 07/03/2019 00:21

He sounds like more of a twat with every post OP. Well good for him if he likes bigger women. You probably like kind, sensitive men who aren't shallow vain pigs. So at the moment neither of you have what you want !

Mumsy Flowers . Shame you didn't push him overboard Grin

AornisHades · 07/03/2019 00:23

On bless him, he's bravely struggled on for five and a half years having sex with a sub standard body and looking at your less than perfect face... So brave Hmm
Alternatively he's a bit below par himself and putting you down makes him feel better because he's punching above hie weight and he knows it. You can do better than him and he doesn't want you to think he knows that.

SurgeHopper · 07/03/2019 00:26

So basically he wants a porn star or what

He's sounds like a total pillock

ReanimatedSGB · 07/03/2019 00:37

Look, dump this bellend. His opinion is completely unimportant and so is he. While he might be a well-intentioned (sort of) idiot who has absorbed too much nonsense about the importance of being 'honest', hes more likely to be both insecure and nasty. He is likely to be criticising you in order to make you so insecure and desperate not to be single that you will let him walk all over you.
Get rid. Being single is so much better than being with a tiresome man who doesn't treat you with kindness and courtesy.

Justaboy · 07/03/2019 00:41

If he really loved you ..

He'd accept you as you are!

Go figure.

RugbyRugby · 07/03/2019 00:54

You need to leave this relationship immediately.

It will destroy your self esteem more that it has already if you stay.

There is no need. There a plenty of men who would worship your body and would love feeling "manly" next to a petite woman.

It's hilarious actually that while most of us are worrying about being too fat/too big, that some how you have managed to end up with a man complaining that you aren't big enough!

Seriously dump him.

RamblinRosie · 07/03/2019 01:07

Let me guess, he’s not going to get a modelling contract any time soon.

I’ll bet that you look gorgeous and that he knows he’s punching above his weight, so he puts you down, that way you don’t realise you could do so much better.

gluteustothemaximus · 07/03/2019 01:16

I’d be devastated if DH said that to me. He flirts with me all the time despite my fat mumtum and my droopy boobs and wobbly bum. Always compliments me even though I’m no super model. Makes me feel fantastic.

He is not making you feel fantastic and that’s no way to be. A partner makes you feel special, loved and wanted.

Fightthebear · 07/03/2019 01:27

There’s no point staying in a relationship with a man “not attracted to your body enough”, there really isn’t.

Find someone who is Flowers

NewYoiker · 07/03/2019 01:31

*lose not love ffs sorry

Dervel · 07/03/2019 01:39

Spoiler Alert Porn Addiction it’s his fault and is projecting that fault onto you. You sound lovely and very attractive, don’t be the scapegoat for his flaws.

OnlineAlienator · 07/03/2019 02:05

I dont believe he loves you. My husband was skinnier and shorter than i would consider 'my type' but i stopped giving a shit about that when i met him and obviously desired him. Love makes this stuff irrelevant, otherwise all relationships would end with the first wrinkle!

Lovingbenidorm · 07/03/2019 02:14

Klopptimist 🤣 class!

MirriVan · 07/03/2019 02:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whywhywhy6 · 07/03/2019 02:23

Dump him. Find a real man.

Graphista · 07/03/2019 03:27

What you look like, what size you are is irrelevant.

He's admitted he's with someone he's not physically attracted to and is unapologetic about his words AND actions on the subject.

Does he take you out and about? Is he proud to tell people he's with you?

Because honestly it doesn't sound it and that being the case you deserve SO much better!

People are attracted to different looks for lots of different reasons.

One of my brothers best friends (very tall slim guy himself) LOVES tall, very full figured women. He's had criticism from arses for it, he tells em to wind their necks in! Both his wives have been this body type, when he split from his first wife (drifted apart) a dick he works with made a stupid comment about how he was now "free to find a real hottie" and when he started dating his second wife this guy was all "I don't understand why you chose her" she's funny, kind, intelligent, gorgeous, tall and very curvy. Bro's friend absolutely adores her and they have a great marriage. That's what matters - that they love and are attracted to each other.

Another has a thing for redheads (I'm a redhead and he asked me out a lot when we were younger but I felt it was too weird as I'd known him since we were at primary!)

Someone else I know is slim, petite, pretty and yet her husband gets bent out of shape if she even gains a few lbs, he doesn't treat her well and she's terrified of gaining weight. They've 2 children and each pregnancy she was on pins and needles about the weight gain and he did give her loads of grief about it and she was dieting practically as soon as she was home after giving birth! He is no fucking oil painting either! But he is a flirt and is disrespectful. Personally I think she should dump the arse!

As should you. It's not your body type that's the issue, it's his attitude to you that's the problem.

Everyone should be with someone who is proud to be with that person, who thinks they're gorgeous and an amazing person.

Whatever else I can say about my ex he would NEVER be like this. I was very slim and quite small of bosom when I met him which he obviously found attractive, but during our time together I lost weight becoming very slim at one point (size 6) and then later gained a heap of weight after having our dd. He still found me attractive and complimented me and talked me out of criticising myself too.

Now he cheated on me but here's the thing- she and I could be sisters physically! Including fluctuating weight. Whether someone loves you isn't just about the physical attributes they have (though physical attraction is an important part of sexual attraction it's not the whole equation). He's also pursued me for a physical relationship since our split when I've been at both my heaviest and lightest. Makes him a disloyal arse but he's not ever said or even implied (and believe me I asked!) that his cheating on me was anything to do with my physical appearance.

I'm not sure I've explained myself well. I hope you get from it that you deserve better.