What Should a Healthy New Relationship Look Like?

[ChaosandKarma]

I’m in my forties and started seeing a new man a couple of months ago. My last relationship started in my teens and was abusive throughout. It took me 25 years to extrapolate myself from him.
I have been on my own for 3 years now and have done so much work on myself, I’m happy, confident and settled for the first time in my life. I am ready for a relationship now.

My new man is lovely. We see each other a couple of nights a week but this tends to be fairly late until early the next morning. We don’t go anywhere or mix with other people. This is mainly down to odd working hours on both sides and is temporary.

I have realised though that whilst I now have strong boundaries around what I won’t stand for I have never actually been in a healthy relationship so I have no idea what it should look like at the beginning.

What does/did your happy relationship look like a couple of months in? How often is usual to see each other? What do you do together? How much do you keep in contact when not together physically?

I know everyone is different and I’m happy enough with the way things are going, I just can’t help being curious.

So you’re not going on actual dates, what about weekends?

Hi @Equalityumber we have only been out twice. One of our nights is a weekend one but it genuinely is down to clashing work schedules at the moment, it’s too late to really do anything other than hang out when we can get to each other. Will be resolved by end of April though.

I know it sounds more like FB’s

Hi OP

I was also in an abusive relationship from being 17, so I understand where you're coming from!
I've been with my bf for around 5 months, we spend most of the weekends together, unless he has an evening with 'the boys'. We also spend a night in the week together.
When not together we will communicate on and off throughout the day.
I hope this helps, and I'm glad you've found a good one after what you've been through. 😁

@needtobuildabridge thank you. Yes that helps a lot.

I’m so glad you have found a good one too 😁

When you say ‘see each other’ and ‘from fairly late until fairly early’ - do you mean he comes round and you shag and then he leaves?

I don’t think there’s a single way a healthy relationship will look.

2-3 months in, I saw my BF 3 or 4 times a week, around our time with the kids. We would usually go out (for something to eat/a drink/cinema/see bands/all sorts) and had only really started staying in together to watch tv/cook together etc. We had also been on a couple of weekends away together.

We kept in touch throughout the day with messages. We still do. It’s sporadic and depends what we’re doing at work. If one of us is out with friends though there usually isn’t any messaging each other (because we’re busy). We’ll usually message at bedtime though or in the morning if it was late. neither of us gets anxious if we haven’t heard from the other - I think that’s the key really. There’s no right amount of daily contact but you should both feel happy about what you do.

Following. I would love an insight into this as well. Sorry I am unable to assist

ElloBrian no that isn’t what I mean. It’s a long drive between us and so by the time we see each other we just want to curl up and chat and watch a movie or whatever. We dtd of course 😆 but it’s not all we do and I’m happy to take things slowly. We stay over night its just back to the daily grind for one or both of us, next day.

It’s not that we don’t want to see each other more and do more together but with work and family commitments it is what it is for now.

I know it’s not ideal.

I wasn't in as bad a situation as yours OP but I was in a relationship for 10 years from my teens. I didn't realise it at the time but he was emotionally abusive in certain ways. We should have split up by the 4th year.

But I never knew what a happy relationship looked like. And like you it was only after I was happy in myself that I finally could see the red flags and hear the alarm bells when they rang during my dating days. I stopped compromising on what I wanted in a partner too.

I am now with a wonderful man and I have an almost 2yo with him. We have been together 3 years, we have a house together and we plan to get married in the future (low key, beach, abroad).

Our first date - fireworks and tingles everywhere. The most amazing first date. It was only a curry but that connection was there. Instant. I was so damn attracted to him! That exciting mix of nerves and attraction! We'd been messaging some pretty hot messages before our date so that was like fuel on the fire there.

We messaged everyday - a few times a day at first, just to see how each others day was at work and see what we were up to, we'd talk about next dates. Fair bit of outrageous flirting too. Then a couple of months in we were texting alot more. More kisses at the end of the texts too 😂

In the first month, we saw each other omce a week. Then we saw each other twice a week, usually once in the week and once at the weekend. Sometimes spending the weekend together, work permitting. We lived about 30 miles apart. Sometimes I'd get the train, other times he'd come and pick me up.

We'd go for coffee, go for walks on the beach (were proper beach lovers), visit different towns, visit museums.
About 4 months in we spent a weekend in London together. Exhausting as I crammed in far too much stuff 😂
And about 7 months in we went on holiday in Spain. Bloody lush that was! No arguments, just sun, sea, sex and cocktails.

9 months in, we rented a flat together and the night we moved in, I discovered I was pregnant. Both of us were ecstatic about that!

I just knew with him. I'd felt things I'd never felt before, told him things I'd never told anyone before and we had so much in common. He hit all of my desirable points. No-one is perfect mind - both of us had a couple of wobblies but we just talked to each other and sorted it out. But I really did know this was different.

We get on really well together. We have the utmost respect for each other - I think that's one part of it. We make each other laugh. And we make it clear, every damn day, that we fucking love each other so, so much.

I wish you all the luck in the world. Keep those standards high. Don't compromise. Be happy.

Thank you @crustaceans

@canhearthroughmyglasses sorry that you don’t know this either

@plinkplink that is so lovely to read and gives me so much hope. Thank you! And long may your happiness continue! 😁

I think it's a bit sad that you're missing out on dates, the butterflies of dressing up and meeting for a drink, etc

That's what the first couple of months would hopefully look like

Do you eat meals together, watch TV, or is it just bed ?

Food and movies yes @bigchris it’s not enough but it will do for now. We talk and laugh a lot. And we are both looking forward to doing more together after April.

I think that what your relationship looks like logistically is not so much an indicator as the quality of communication and if you feel you can be yourself in his company.

Really glad you got yourself out of the bad relationship though op, that’s great.

Healthy relationship. First few months saw each other once or twice a week, not much staying over (I have kids full time.) so I got babysitters or we snatched time together when my parents visited from another country. Went for drinks sometimes, met friends, dinner, after a while I would just go to his flat. I met his friends on our second date, met the family a few months in. I was a little slower off the mark, with the complications of the children.

We snatched time together whenever we could. He was always the first person I wanted to see when there was opportunity. A few messages throughout the day, less so now (1.5 years in)

We now spend the whole weekends together at my house. Happy and healthy, no issues, red flags or arguments, the easiest relationship I have ever been in and a real breath of fresh air and polar opposite to my marriage