Getting to know new man

[CoconutGal]

I've been dating someone for 6 months now. I quite like taking things slowly & getting to know him but I do feel it's taking a very long time to get to know him. Even after 6 months I don't feel like I know a lot about him.

He's very different to what I'd usually go for. He's shy, athletic, has a different kind of friendship group to mine & is very much into self help & doing things to make him in his words "more productive". To begin with I found that quite interesting, now I'm concerned that he's trying to turn himself into something he's not & in the meantime just not enjoying life like he should be.

I'm the type to play fight, be a little childish with someone, relaxed & have fun. There's times where our dates are just lovely & he opens up a bit more & I understand him a bit more, but there's other times I don't feel so close to him & I can't work him out. I'd like him to relax, I feel like he worries too much about simple things that can't be changed. But I'm unsure how to talk to him about this without sounding like I'm trying to change him or without hurting him.

In my experience, men aren't delicate little flowers who can't handle a grown up conversation and, if they are, you're best off not in a relationship with them.

It sounds like you're just fundamentally incompatible but I would broach it with him and see what he says.

I think in the long run he will become tedious. I briefly dated a guy very similar, and whilst initially I quite admired his mindset of ostensibly wanting to become a better, more conscious, more productive person, I eventually began to realise that it was going to be a never ending journey of always trying to have more. Always another ‘prize’ to covet, a new hunger to sate. If you are forever desirous of change, you will forever come up short.

In terms of feeling like you don’t know him. Well; perhaps this is who he is and what there is to know. I often joke with people that there’s not really more to me than the shallows they can see, but it is mostly true, I don’t have fathoms ofhidden depths. Maybe the same is true of this guy, however mysterious and elusive he appears to be emotionally.

I also dated a guy like this who seemed intriguing and self-aware at first, but actually turned out to be very rigid in his views, critical of me and patronising. A shame.

He sounds like someone who is more focused on achievement and outward projections of himself rather than developing real connections.

Are his friendships close or are they superficial?

I think your instinct is telling you that this will be hard work. I suspect he can't handle intimacy..if this is the case you will never get the closeness you want and deserve.

Did he have a happy childhood?

@lifebegins50 - he's briefly told me that his childhood was a strict religious upbringing & he blames that for him feeling shy. In terms of intimacy he is very attentive, likes to hold my hand, cuddles a lot, puts his arm around me a lot too, that side of things is where I feel like I know him best.

& his friends are close, he sees a few of them regularly through the week. Though I haven't met them properly yet, they appear to have a "right wing" mindset & can be political which frankly isn't really my interest.

I strongly recommend these 36 Qs: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/news/people/news/these-36-questions-can-make-you-fall-in-love-with-anyone-a6772366.html%3famp

DH and I spent a whole day early in our relationship discussing our answers in bed, & afterwards I remember thinking "holy shit, that worked, I'm totally falling for him!"